Couldn’t have happened at a worse time.

Everything around you has been blown up and as the pieces settle you try to interpret the ruins. This seems to happen at the worst time during a terrible life storm that already has you down. It comes in the form of familiar things that touch our weaknesses. It always causes mental confusion and doubt. It takes your focus from things that are happening back to things that happened. The purpose is the same, to keep you down and ineffective.

People give it different names but the result is chaos and temporal drama in our lives.

Regardless of the trial or temptation, God’s plan for our lives and his direction for us is always forward. To run our race, press toward the mark with clarity. He doesn’t plan for confusion and chaos. He talks about the enemy of the soul doing that. His whole universe is orderly and he states that he is not the author of confusion. His goal for us is to glorify him. Stuck like Chuck in the muck doesn’t move us forward. This causes us to stop in our tracks and try to analyze and put the puzzle pieces together in a way that makes sense to us. Some things do not make sense because they are born out of chaos and sin. They can never make sense. Why a child is killed by a parent, why a 2 month old baby dies, why parents abandon and abuse, why spouses walk away, all of these do not make sense in this life. Trying to make sense of them robs you. If we try to manage the ruins in a way that we can deal with them, we wind up fabricating an answer or endlessly searching for one. When that answer or search fails we become confused again. This leaves us thinking God is being silent. Sometimes we are actually being so loud, trying in our own strength to control our chaos and we miss him and his direction.

God’s plan for our lives and direction always includes a sound mind. This life can have many things that rob us of our soundness that shreds our soul and taxes our mental capacity. These things happen and it is natural to grieve them and to try to understand. God went to great lengths to not only save us but to transform us. When we try in our strength to manage the senseless, we create chaos for ourselves. We misinterpret our interactions with people and their heart. 

When something engages us in life with a situation that is not sound it takes a toll. We are subject to the person or situation’s confusion and deception. If we lose our soundness we can be vacuumed into emotional damage and not only hurt ourselves but become confused.  We can have a lot of head knowledge and process the should have’s or could have’s  but the things that touch us our heart in an unsound way are not good for us if we do not remain sound ourselves. Letting someone hit rock bottom is the hardest thing to watch and even harder to allow. I watched someone self destruct and it’s heartbreaking. Ten years later they are still in the muck and I would love to see them soar with the eagles again. I have seen myself hit rock bottom as well so I am not unfamiliar with this happening. Oh! If only I could spare you the time this wastes.

Resisting change is futile. A sound mind happens when we are raw and real with ourselves and seek that soundness in things that are sound.  

God’s plan and direction for our lives is not to be deceived. Anything that robs us of knowing the truth and moving forward in a truthful real way is not of God. Feelings are the worst deceivers! They change and we also manipulate them to our advantage. This constant analyzing and reviewing the old indicting tapes causes us to begin to deceive ourself if the information we are processing isn’t true in the first place. 

When we are processing information we have to be careful to discern the truth. We tell ourselves things to cope that are not true. Once we think we have something nicely tucked away our hearts settle for a bit. All of a sudden something happens that transforms our nice folded answers into spaghetti. What is the answer? Keep moving forward, do not be deceived and keep your mind sound. Know yourself! I am talking about your weaknesses, strengths and character. Also know that you are priceless to God no matter how flawed you are. Trust what you know to be true beyond a shadow of doubt and test everything else by truth until it resonates and is valued as truthful or dismissed as not truthful. Do not deceive yourself by making excuses and allowances. Think on things that are right and true and quickly cast away thoughts that take you to a place of not being able to be yourself or that creates chaos in your life. You will never find God’s direction apart from God’s truth. I wish this didn’t sound strategic and clinical but we are not talking about the great touchy feeling stuff here. We are talking about the battlefield of the mind and how the world, flesh and devil all interact to bring us down. This is war not for the fainthearted. It feels like war it is ugly and necessary at the same time. It’s part of healthy growth.  

The good news is God loves you and his heart for you is to have peace that passes all understanding, to live abundantly, to love and be loved. I am proof it’s possible to keep going on when the worst of the worst has happened. If this little gal who has been knocked down every way a person can in 50 short years has unshakeable peace, then you can too. I didn’t ask to be strong and truth is when I am weak, and there are times I am, God is my strength. Love strong, think deep and realize that you have to be who God made you to be and there’s no guilt or shame about that. Lay your burden down at the foot of the cross. Move forward dear one in truth. Stand firm on it’s foundation and be blessed.   Nehemiah 8:10

What a Beautiful Day!

Sitting here before you in this beautiful moment in awe and gratitude. There’s instrumental music playing, my lights are down low and my little corner of the world is cozy and warm.

There’s so much to be grateful for.

The most precious gift in life I have ever had are my two children who love the Lord and that have their Momma’s heart. My life has been filled with so many precious things. For 17 years I was able to teach some of the sweetest children on earth, for 20 years I was able to be a wife and for life I am a mom.

Being a mom is the greatest accomplishment of my entire life. I remember looking at my girls when they were born. It was so precious to watch them sleep and check a million times to see if they were breathing. They never knew I was even in the room. My heart ached when theirs did, and still does. I remember seeing my oldest singing from the hymnbook while sitting on her play gym outside the kitchen window. She was crying. When I asked her why she was crying her words were. “I’m singing so pretty I am blessing myself” I hid that in my heart. Knowing their journey now years later, it brings tears. My oldest is a thinker and her dreams have always been huge.

I remember my youngest and her sense of individuality. She loved big hats and her grandma gave her a few. I still see my little girl in the lunch line at school in those big floppy hats. It was her style and her statement. She was my hugger baby. She hugged everyone she met. My youngest is a romantic and her dreams are always about how she can love and serve others or be loved in return.

If I never do anything else in this life or have any blessings in the future, being a mom to Laura and Katie was my Super Bowl.

Teaching high school was such a fantastic privilege. I loved seeing the kids go on to serve the LORD and love him. I wanted the same things for them my own children had. I wanted them to know God’s love and perfect peace in the storms. I loved seeing their lives unfold and little families. Wow! How far many have come and how precious they have been. I will never forget 10 years ago getting about 60 letters on a very dark day in my life from each of them. They wanted to bless me with a waterfall of grace from their loving hearts because they cared. I still have those letters.

Being a wife was an honor. No matter how it ended I still wouldn’t have wanted to miss the journey. Planning, hoping, dreaming, loving, sharing and serving were exciting to me and I miss doing that. I miss decorating the house for every season and trying to make it a home. The laughter and love still echo in my heart. I still consider the privilege something to be thankful for.

All of the things above are great honors. I know that all that these things can all change in a moment. They did for me. Yet I am grateful and this moment is just about God catching me up on that gratitude. I love the verse James 1:17, It says every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness neither shadow of turning.

All of those things may change in our lives. People vary with their feelings and emotions from the damage this world slings on us. No one is immune and the losses are real and painful. Our Father doesn’t change and that is my peace. I know that whatever comes my way is good and perfect for me. I know he can even turn my tragedy into triumph. He can use my mistakes and make them a message. He can take my weakness and turn it into willingness and my sorrow into surrender.

He’s my Father and I trust him completely even when it doesn’t make sense to me. This is a time that life doesn’t make sense and I have perfect peace anyway. I guess that is because I know that I know that He loves me and cares beyond my own comprehension. Just as I checked on my daughter a million times to see if she was breathing, God says he holds my life in his hands and no one can take it. He’s always there for me.

I am thankful as he graciously blesses me with his perfect gifts. I may not see them right away. Life is just too precious to waste or wish away. Thank you Father for loving me. I love the song Hold Me Jesus and I love Phil Keaggy on the guitar as well. This is for anyone who is beginning the journey of divorce and who are ok on the outside but who are inside still falling off the cliff. Divorce challenges your faith and peace like nothing else can. My heart aches for you but I am a testimony that you will get safely home. There’s grace in the loving arms.

Sweet Time ~ Living Like You Were Dying ~ because Heaven is for real!

Living Like You Were Dying has become a mantra for me in a way. I think God supports this when he says we are a vapor and vanish.

Wow! I turned 50 this past year. It was a year of many first and many changes. Although I had been divorced 10 years it was the first year I had ever lived alone in my life, the first experience with an empty nest, the first time I adventured back into the dating world. Splat! Oh well, I tried, I’ll soar again in God’s time, that wasn’t pretty. This year I had a car wreck which was topped by my daughter totaling my spare car. I had a cancer scare that made me realize how sweet time is. I jumped out of the rat race taking a 40% pay cut by changing jobs. Life is too short to be stressed instead of blessed. I sold my home in SC and cut ties with the past and my security blanket back there. You can’t move forward looking in the rearview mirror. When your faith and fear collide, and they always will, you have to choose to keep pressing on.

The year was filled with so many great things. A great ministry to volunteer time that helps people get back in their race, a praise team at church that sees something in me that I am still learning about myself and some really great people who taught me, encouraged me, stretched me, crushed me and humbled me in so many ways that I can’t begin to explain. It’s called life though. Jesus walked Peter to the boat in a storm not on calm seas. Jesus is walking me through this journey and where I see the lesson I am learning, where I don’t see, God patiently and graciously walks me through again. Wow! how loving is our Father to do that. I love the abundant life God has given me. Not things, they pass away but the blessings that are too many to tell and too many to not see the hand of God.

Sometimes I ponder things and wonder if seeking direction with the Lord is as important as simply following where he is leading. Does that sound conflicted? Let me tell you what that means to me. Sometimes we see a path and ask the Lord to confirm it when maybe the path opening before us is the confirmation. God says that he opens doors man can’t shut and he shuts doors man can’t open in Revelation 3:8. You might refuse the door but it isn’t closed. It’s open and always will be for eternity. You will just miss the journey if you don’t’ go through it. I used to be one that would see the path, second guess myself, second guess the path and even the bricks it was paved with. My over analyzing and also my own conclusion that I was right in my analyzing would muddle the path and muddle me. By the time I started the first step on the path, if hadn’t of thought my way out of it, I was restless, uncertain and already thinking of plan B. In my mind seeking God’s direction was more of me analyzing what was best for me and hoping God endorsed it to happen that way. The learning curve on that can be as long as you want it to be. God has plenty of time to wait for you to surrender to him.

Grant it, life is hard and being vulnerable and taking risks is hard. Yet when God lays a path before us we need to go for it like we are dying. We need to not waste sweet time second guessing God and thinking the impossible can’t happen. If it looks too good why can’t it be from God? He says he uses the foolish things to confound the wise. He also says he gives good gifts to his children. He even said finding a wife is a good thing. We are not in a minefield with God. He has a clear path, clear plan and clear say regarding the matter. He said nothing was impossible with him.

It would be nice if we all could spend time in heaven like the little boy did in the book Heaven Is For Real. If we could understand that Jesus really loves all his children. If we could love and trust like children do! Oh My! I teared up reading how this little boy told his parents that as a four year old Jesus had the angels sing to him because he was so scared. I am not sure the angels will sing the song above to me and evidently they won’t sing We Will We Will Rock You either. Read the book and get the gist of that comment. When Lazarus died he was sitting in Abraham’s bosom and this little boy is sitting in the arms of Jesus. I don’t think there is a coincidence in the parallel.

I am sure the sweet time we waste on earth would minimize if we had an eternal perspective. So, when the path opens before me, unless God says NO! There’s no reason not to go through that door. It might look like spiritual skydiving, Rocky Mountain climbing or bull riding and I am positive it’s not always pretty or rosy. But it’s the race! It’s the plan to move forward and God is passionately loving us with abandon and cheering us on. The sweet time I have left I hope to love deeper, speak sweeter and forgive sooner. I want to live like I am dying because I am in all reality. When I get to heaven if I can ever look up at Jesus because I can’t imagine the glorified awe I will have for him. I am totally blown away now by his grace. If hear the angels sing I hope they sing this song. But if they don’t … I am sure whatever they sing will never be as loud as the heartbeat of God for this little gal he has declared priceless and purchased so no one else can buy me.

The Secret to Life ~ Your flight has been cancelled.

The Secret of Life is in letting go. Listen to this song Completely and read below.

I was supposed to be on my way to an adventure in Atlanta. This was all changed in a week that has been unlike any other I have had in a while. I can’t remember my heart being taken through so much so harshly and quickly. The reason I wasn’t going was partly my fault.

I prayed before I went to bed about the situation and everyone involved. I knew I had to give this completely to God to move forward in my own life. I knew also that God’s direction would be the only one that made sense. I felt His peace and fell asleep. It was the first time in over a week I didn’t go to bed feeling restless. He was my rest and peace. I surrender all.

About 3:19 am my phone went off. I didn’t hear the ring but I heard the vibration. I knew it was the airlines 2 hr. notification. I dismissed it and went to sleep. At 3:27 another vibration and I looked at it because my children live so far away and it was a number that I barely remembered was an elderly lady who calls confused from SC thinking I am her daughter. I put the phone down and dosed back off only to hear the phone vibrate again. I figured it was the notification that the flight had taken off. I saw the number but still didn’t put anything together. Ok, between 3:27 and 5 am my phone vibrated several more times. This was annoying to say the least. I awakened enough to realize that it was only 5 am and the airline must be trying to reach me!

I checked my messages and they said that my flight had been cancelled. They didn’t give a reason. I called the airline and found out that indeed my flight had been cancelled and I could be put on a later flight. I explained to them that I didn’t want to do that and before I could explain further they said. Then we will credit your card for this trip.

Now that might sound like normal routine to you but I believe God woke me up to get that refund. First, I have flown over 100 times in my life and never ever had a cancellation. Secondly, I gave everything to GOD. After this extremely tough week, I believe he wanted to confirm I had trusted him the way he wants me to.

Thirdly, this is the most important to me. I had been chastised and rightly so, but one phrase I was hit with were the rebuking words “the God that I serve or I serve a God that” as if I knew little about God. I don’t remember now because everything has been deleted. Yet, It really hit my heart hard and hurt. My heart was to help and not to anger or cause grief. I am glad God really knows what I was trying to say.

I haven’t done everything right in this life but I have always turned to GOD and depended on him before all is said and done. What I tried to accomplish with my words was said in a terrible way for which I take responsibility. Once something is out there you can do little about it. Still there’s no excuse.

All I have ever had and known was real in my life was my Father’s love. I am thankful at a time when life was tough, God took a moment to reach back to me and remind me he’s still in control and there’s little that I control. That although I am not perfect I still serve a God who is. I am thankful he restored money I could not afford to lose and also restored my heart because HE is the God I serve and he does love and forgive everyone including me and people who can’t love me and can’t forgive me. For that I am thankful because we all need his precious grace. This gal needed not only the grace but as my Father keenly saw I needed the love and affirmation. God touched my heart today and I am his and he is mine.

God hasn’t finished with me or with my story. I don’t know what to expect anymore except to keep my dreams big and my worries small. No one can shut a God door.

Rev. 3:8 I know they works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name.

It’s Never Ok except to LOVE THROUGH.

It’s never ok to play with someone’s heart. Dangling hopes, dreams and desires before someone who has prayed for a while for those things is bound to hurt them and confuse them. That’s never honest and never compassionate regardless of your intentions. You have to be careful with matters of the heart when you are engaging people. You don’t know what makes and breaks a person or what could hurt them deeply and interrupt their race. Honesty has to be the basis for everything. You should know yourself and where you are headed. If your head and heart are disconnected you will move ahead of your heart a divided person. There may be good reason you are divided, explore that division and find out what direction you should head. Never start a race you are not willing to run. I try to be aware of this as much as I can but sometimes miss the mark and I understand others can as well. We have to forgive people when they do this and hope they will forgive us as well. It’s explained by the fact that the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked according to the Bible. With all the knowledge I have there are still times I am knocked off my feet. We long and desire some great things in this life and having those things isn’t wrong, but be ready and able before involving someone else who is ready to have them. I know people have good intentions and do not intend to hurt others. Yet still we have to own it to grow and learn. Intentions are not meaningful if the person never sees or knows them. People can misjudge you quicker than trust you. They may only know what we said or did. Hindsight is 20/20. The Lord tells us to guard our heart and we have to be careful with where we place our trust or how we are drawn into a persons life. We have to be able to tell if someone is being truthful with us and if they are making a decision from wholeness or brokenness. Listen to that voice that says, wait or not now. That’s our accountability. We also have to be careful with our own weakness. If we are treading where our desire and past hurts collide we can potentially put ourselves in an unhealthy situation and not realize it until we are hurt deeply. We may hurt others deeply as well. Ugh, this stinks too.

I have never understood the concept of throwing people away. Even people who have done some pretty terrible things. I hope and pray I never do! I understand healthy boundaries. I understand separation, enabling and codependency. That is not what I am talking about here. I understand solving disagreements with clear kind compassion that sets those boundaries. I am talking about judging and sentencing a person without fairness. Even as humans we can show mercy if we choose and hear out a person.

I am glad my Father’s love is perfect and that he understands my heart and weaknesses and doesn’t just wad me up like a piece of paper throw me and all of the good things about me away because of his anger or because I was impatient with him or because I crossed a line. Truth is I am going to be impatient once in a while, I will cross lines at times and I will cause anger. It is never my heart to do these things but I am not a super Christian. I am truly a lamb who needs her Shepherd. I am a loving gal who is imperfect and still seeking and growing in this journey. I don’t and won’t always get it right but no one who has ever stayed in my race will say I failed to forgive and love through the rough spot. I really don’t know how else to do it but to love through. The truth most people miss or do not take time with in this life is when they are misjudged. As bad as I can be and as much as I can fail, I pray Lord, let me learn to love like you do more each day! I am amazed at the great love of GOD! Some of my best friendships were born out of misunderstanding. Take time to work through things that offend and realize you are filtering everything with your own stuff. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is a trite saying to me. I say go the extra mile and love them through not only the doubt but through what they can’t see. If a person can’t see it and receive you, then LOVE ANYWAY. You can be hurt and rejected but that’s ok. Here’s the thing ~ He is my God and is the God of second chances and even as unworthy as I am, I get a second, third, fourth, hundredth, chance with Him because he alone is faithful and true to offer it. He can’t violate his word and withhold it from me. His restoration and resurrection are principles he wants in my life to get me to where I need to be in his purpose and plan. It’s a check he can write and cash because of his Son Jesus. He is able to offer it because he loves me and has proven his love with a cross. He sincerely cares and loves me with undivided compassion. He offers grace that abounds beyond my sin and that sustains me in hard times. I am thankful God sees past my shortcomings to my real heart and knows my desires. I am thankful God loves through. I am thankful for the journey and once again I have to start on it, knowing that should God provide that second chance, it will come in a way that is right for me by someone who has a heart like his and will treat me like He treats me. The world will throw you away but God’s love never fails and it reaches even an imperfect sinner like me. I am thankful for people in my life now who have God’s heart and can show me his love even when I fail. I love them dearly and wow! what an honor to race with them and be taught by them!

There’s a lot of shame and blame in this world. I am thankful Jesus rose past it as a perfect example and endured it for my sake so I would have a way to race and finish well. He loved through.

Hebrews 12

1Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

2Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

The Living Years

There’s a song by Mike and the Mechanics called The Living Years

It talks about parental damage and wasted time. I know this first hand and even though Dad’s been gone since 1987 I still can have something rattle my insides about the past. I was involved in a storm this week that I created for myself but it brought up things I thought were long faded from my memory. One thing I learned from the wreckage of having a distant dad who didn’t really know how to love was that you have to say what needs to be said and do it in the right way. I could have asked him hundreds of times why we couldn’t get to a healthy daughter/father relationship and why we had to talk in defense. I could have said why did my brother die and tried to understand his hurt and pain instead of clinging to my fear of being the next to die. We do sacrifice the future when our pain carries us around and we don’t give up or give in. It’s very tempting to hold on with right on our side but how does someone find their way home to us if we value our being right more than doing what is right? Sometimes I have been right in this journey and times I have been wrong are probably more numerous. Still if I win everyone loses. In relationships the goal has to be for everyone to win and for us to realize where a person fails in our eyes we can get angry or show mercy. I can’t avoid saying what I need to say but I am still learning and navigating in unchartered waters in some areas and have a lot to learn. I learned that people make mistakes and deserve a second, third even 100th chance. I can’t stay stuck in the places that are hard even when I cause the hardness because they will become my trophy to pain and eventually a monument. Even The Living Years are hurtful there is still a lot of life out there and whole healthy love and we have to move forward to the mark and keep going. Look around you and find others who need your love and grace and walk with them forward toward Jesus as well. Everyone who crosses your path was there to either to teach you or you teach them. Follow after love with pure motives and a sincere heart and trust GOD not yourself. Lesson learned. One day I will know how to love perfectly because the glass will be removed but the best I can do here is to love as whole and healthy as I can. Sometimes that doesn’t look like love and it’s sad when it doesn’t because my heart is always to love. Yet when I read these words I know they reveal my heart and clearly show my need for growth. A man in my church was gored today by a bull that caught him against a fence in the roof of his mouth and literally took his face off. When I think of that and how the whole family is wondering what tomorrow brings I have to realize we all have to live because we don’t know.

The Way of Love

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

The clock cleaning I deserve.

I just had my clock cleaned by someone and I deserved some of it. I was trying to help and really sensed the need to try but still I crossed a line I didn’t realize until it was too late with words that I should have never written. Our God is a God of second chances and sometimes those second chances come right away and some take years. When I try in my own strength to help that is when my intentions are good but my method faulty. When I take on the roll of counselor where it was not asked for and not welcomed I deserve the blasting I just got. There is no excuse for it and the lessons learned from it are most painful. The biblical response is to take this discipline and to seek forgiveness. The door has been slammed totally shut to seek forgiveness. When we do not wait on God and listen to our own voice this is bound to happen. We have to really look inside for the answer and seek the Lord. It’s been a long while since I was here, it feels horrible. I would not hurt anyone especially someone I care about for anything in this world. I would sooner cut off my own arm. I love people and I know why God hates divorce. The aftermath it creates takes years to overcome. When you see another person really in the midst of the war. You want their family to survive because their story hits so close to home and yours didn’t survive. You want to spare them pain you really do have to be careful that you don’t get yourself in the way. One of my own rules was to let the weaknesses be God’s business. I had the best intentions at heart but I was wrong. God wants us to put the past behind. I misinterpreted what was happening and between faulty email system and my own stupidity I brought pain where I should have been praying and trusting what I knew. Hopefully I have learned here and will never forget this lesson. The price is always high when we do not wait patiently for the Lord. Sadly humbling!
“The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he understands how weak we are; he knows we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone- as though we had never been here. But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him. His salvation extends to the children’s children of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey his commandments!’. Psalm 103: 13-18

What a year! I am so loved.

I look back over this year and am amazed at how quickly life changes. It doesn’t collapse in a moment but it can change with one phone call, a person’s actions or events so easily that you almost feel like a bomb has exploded. I was waiting to have a biopsy and was thinking about this past year. I was wondering how I was going to tell my children that I have cancer if the results came back negative. This was the last of a long series of test I had in which I fell through the cracks with my doctor. For those having a breast biopsy I want to give you this information. It’s not as bad as it sounds. It was worse emotionally than it was physically.

I was reviewing this past year and tears welled up thinking about my girls, things that I still wanted to do for the kingdom and also oddly enough about how to be a testimony with cancer if that was God’s will for me. I always question my motive and desires because I know just how human I can be. Yet something in me wanted to glorify the Lord if this was to be my lot. I won’t know until Tuesday of the results. I thought I was in the clear earlier but evidently I wasn’t and had to have this final biopsy. I think the main thing I came away with was worth sharing.

Here’s the thing, I sat there looking over 2011 and there were some hard spots. I became an empty nester, lost a dear friend that was the first person I ever trusted so deeply, changed jobs, moved into my own place, celebrated life without my mom who went home to be with the Lord and lived alone for the first time in 50 years.

I know life changes and I am not the kind who jumps for joy each time the pendulum swings and smacks me down when I just got up. Yet I have to say over all with all the hurt and sorrow what a joy I have to know that my Father gives good gifts to me. He is concerned that I grow and serve him and he wants me to appreciate his love for me. God isn’t impressed with me but wow does he love for his children to appreciate his love.

He gave all he had for this little lamb. So as I think about my rough year I have to say I am still thankful. I love this life God is carving for me and I can’t really complain about the hard places. My car is still broken needing a lot of repairs, do I have cancer or not, I don’t know, my new job is starting slower than anticipated but I know that I know that I know that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day. God has all this and is taking great care to walk me day by day through this journey. I have to praise him and thank him for his great love. I have to tell you dear ones to rest in that and only be defined by one who sold all that he had to purchase you a precious pearl and treasure. Matthew 13:44-46

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall have everlasting life. John 3:16

Blue Christmas

Elvis sang “I’ll have a blue Christmas” I have to admit as upbeat and strong as I am the holidays are the hardest sometimes. God is my all in all. I am totally blessed in so much yet being alone and missing my girls is tough. Being 1027 miles from those I love, and still missing my mom since her death 2009 Thanksgiving, all do challenge me this season more than ever. I’m blessed, thankful and even realize that in this valley I hit I am still a precious daughter of the most high GOD. I may not succeed in temporal things that others find so easy. I can even stink at them and fail, I am failing at something that should be easy. What do I do? I go to the Rock. I tell my LORD how I feel and HE hears me. I used to believe you had to fake it till you make it as a Christian. Success is not really a great teacher, but wow failure is a masterful molder.
To be honest faking anything in my life just at this point seems to sicken me. Bottom line is this. I am incredibly humbled to have a front row seat to GOD’s glory at the same time seeing my humanity lessen and my identity mold before Him. The more I know HIM the more He reveals to me just how much more I need to see His reflection when I look in the mirror and less of my own. Today the mirror revealed an area of my life that was being touched over and over again. It has been surrendered to GOD but still gets opened up like a deep wound. Now that might not make sense to you but don’t you think if you give GOD free reign in an area He is going to work in that area? He’s working in this area forging a deeper intimacy with me but wow the surgery is not pleasant. There is only one answer to WHY. HIS love! His love for me is the WHY that makes it bearable and even joyful. Joyful, how laughable is that? JOY in heartbreak? Ok, I know it is counter intuitive to say it but YES! Happiness is so fleeting but JOY transcends circumstances. It allows you to bring GOD into your circumstances instead of wallowing in them crying out for mercy. Your circumstances can be like mine created by a series of bad decisions that you now recognize or circumstances thrown at you that you had no control over. The goal is the same, for your good and HIS glory.
I have been here before. Times past frankly I did terrible with any challenge like this. Now I know GOD has a plan. I will trust that plan and leave the consequences to GOD. What is my challenge? Does it really matter to explain? It could be anything you are experiencing that opens up things in your life you have to deal with. Things that open up that place you keep guarded in your life to keep from experiencing pain like you have in the past or a place you shouldn’t go. I wrote this to be real to let you know that Christianity is not about perfect people pleasing a perfect GOD. It is a relationship with a perfect GOD that is pleased to come along side of me as I journey in the life HE gave me. My advocate is my GOD.
My heart will as it has all my Christian life, turn to Jesus. I will tell my Father everything and hopefully grow in this. I absolutely know I am loved and can rest fully in GOD’s love. So for the holidays I will praise HIM.

Send the Rain Lord!

Listen to this video and let the LORD open your heart.

My precious Lord means the world to me. Navigating this life would be impossible without His Word and the Holy Spirit. I would die without Him. I’m so humbled by my weaknesses and my own inadequate way to convey what a precious glorious loving Father He is. Thankful is the weakest word sometimes. Truly He leads me every step of the way with His Word and with the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I am not talking about something spooky but just about praying, seeking His Word and about Him opening doors and giving me peace about those doors. I won’t do anything without the peace of God because I have learned that the price to pay without His peace is too high.

I love this video and the quotes that were used making it. Oh that we would be changed by the power of God that is not just a promise but a reality. My heart desires to change the world and to see people meet my LORD and know the fullness of his love. Father let me give and make a difference and to love deeply with reckless abandon and give out and burn out for a love I have found that is greater than my life…love that rescued me from the pit of despair to a seat in the heavenlies that can never be shaken or taken. Dear ones you are defined by what binds….. be free lambs. Open your hands and receive what God has given you right before your eyes so that you can say God is good to God be the glory. His heart is to take you from grace to glory.

If my world can be so rocked by pain I know we all need to heal. I know beyond a shadow of doubt our country will heal when our people in the pew get healed. We soldier so wounded we miss the voice of God. …. revival is here if we want it but we have to let GOD rain in our hearts. We can’t keep acting it out we have to have it flow out from within. He is the power of the resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings should make it clear to us. We have to bring our darkness to the LIGHT so it can be exposed and so that HE can change us. He wants to heal, transform and restore. Let God be true and every man a liar. Stop telling yourself who God is and listen for once to who He is. Faith comes by hearing. Open the Word and see the character of God. Hear who HE is. We can’t change ourselves. Going through the motions only wastes precious time until the real living begins.
If we could heal ourselves why on earth did he come to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free….wouldn’t heaven have been a nicer place to stay???
This lamb is weak and needs healing in some areas….. I admit that I need the rain in my life…. the fire the wind the holy spirit in power to be all that God promised. I stink at being rejected. I hurt and cry and clamor like a little broken lamb but my Savior was rejected and despised the shame but endured the cross for my sin so that I never have to be rejected by Him. Heb 12:2
Who am I to ever pitch a fit because of rejection. I am a spoiled brat needing my Lord who cares more about my character than my comfort.

Dear Ones it’s time to get down to God’s business and open our hands to let go of what we cling to so that God can fill them with what is dear to his heart….. so we can heal and be the light to the world that we are intended to. It’s time to get under sound doctrine and solid leadership so that we can grow. Help us not stay in our comfort zone but stretch us and mold us. Healthy things grow.

Dear GOD bless my enemies, bless those who left when they should have lingered, who hit when they should have held, who yelled when they should have yielded, who lied when they should have led, who have cheated when they should have been committed, who have tolerated when they should have treasured. God for their sake bless them and curse them not. God restore what they have taken and what they have lost by missing you in the storms and temptation, by hearing their own voice louder than yours, by clinging to fear instead of faith when you wanted to pour your blessing on them and their hands were too full. Oh my Father help me remember when I am like them to run to you and please forgive me as well. I know Lord and humbly I say thank you for bearing long with me and please pave my road with bricks of grace and mercy…… Dear GOD heal our land as we humbly pray and seek your face … heal our hearts … and GOD show us a better way. Dear Father I plead with you that we get out of the way and let your will be done.

Forgive us LORD and lead us to revival so that the world may know freedom and truth. Help us remember it’s all in and through you we have our being. In Jesus name amen….

The Tender Silent Warrior

Sometimes there is nothing more you can say except no regrets and that you are thankful.

The Tender Silent Warrior

A man in on the front lines
Working day by day
Doing what is right
In spite of the fray

He works with his hands
And gives all his might
It hasn’t been easy
He gave up his right

To be just a man
Walking away from them
He stood by the stuff
When the lights were dim

His back is tired
Some days go wrong
His bed is empty
The nights are long

So much has been done
By his strong hands
Whose cheering him on
God understands

He can look around
The fruit of his work
Who smiles when he’s done
Duties he didn’t shirk

He bows and prays
He has done right
Who says thank you
Alone in the night

Heaven’s on his side
God has a plan
He answers the accuser
I love that man

Come what may
God can’t love him less
A tender silent warrior
He’s done his best

My heart will still pray
earthly love he will find
he changed my life
he’s one of a kind

Labor Day Weekend

East Texas Rain

I am not sure what the words are that I want to convey here today. This morning started with tearful prayer very deep in the middle of the woods in WV. I often run to my Father on the harder things. I am a tough cookie but so very tenderhearted. I wrote this song and I think it fits my heart today. When I was in school and even now I am more of a literalist who keeps things simple. So if you think this is about rain it’s not. It’s about the pouring in our soul of hard things. No one gets through this life untouched. Some carry deep deep self inflicted wounds. I know for me it was a huge wounding that caused a series of events that lead me to Dallas. I thank God for loving me enough to put my character over my comfort. What I have learned here has been priceless. Whether you throw yourself in a pit or someone else does. A pit is a pit. Life has to go on even in those times and it can get muddy when you mix law and grace to sort the proper approach to it all. I am finding the older I get the more I see. Christ is about freedom at the very cost of his life. He said he came to set the captives free. My heart is that you are free.

Luke 4:18
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,

This was the answer Jesus gave in the synagogue proclaiming the reason he came to earth. Sometimes we just get the idea he came to save us from sin. He said that but in reading in the passage as he spoke from the book of Isaiah he also said the rest of the story if you will. Saving a man’s soul from hell is truly amazing. We all deserve hell! God’s heart is revealed here for much more for us. If you look closely at this verse you will see how he views the damages of sin and see his plan to heal the brokenness, to free our mind and to give us new vision so that we who are bruised by the ravages of sin are truly free. That’s the key how free are you? I know it’s not all about us. But to GOD it is all about us. It was all about the kingdom and molding and transforming our minds and lives to something of substance. In his own words the “abundant life” is what he said he came to provide. Sin is a hard task master. The way of the transgressor is hard as the Bible says but that is exactly why we trust Jesus who is the way the truth and the life.

Here’s something I have seen when a person does fall. There are two ways they handle that. For me I quickly try to handle it and to repent and turn away from it. Yet in fairness I am not the kind whose tender heart can just jump in feet first for a long season of sin. I am too much the kind of lamb that clings to my Father. For others they repent but still cling to the aftermath. I wrote this song in October 2009. We have to ask ourselves sometimes if we are trying to pay more for our sin than Christ did?

East Texas Rain

East Texas rain

on my window pane,

Falling in my heart

tearing me apart

Texas ain’t my home, something bigger is calling me

I been gone to long too far from where I ought to be.

Will I ever get

To a home again?

How can I go?

How can I know?

You will take me in

I gave my heart,

Every single part

Complete surrender

Loving and tender

Don’t trust your fear

Just draw me near

Hold me in your arms

Keep me safe from harm

I own it!

God has allowed me a front row to his mercy and grace. I just wanted to briefly say here I don’t have all the answers but I know who does. I am so in awe of this Father who loves us in spite of our short comings, imperfections, sins and who sees fit to daily walk in our messes and unconditionally love us as a Father. I can’t exactly put words to my heart today but I would say grateful, thankful and humbled come to mind. I don’t deserve the blessings of such love but I am totally in awe that God’s character keeps it for me. “I know who I have believed and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I’ve committed unto him against that day,” as the old song goes. Please understand as I say this with tears and an abandoned heart. I can’t comprehend the love of God deeply enough. Dear ones I want you to own it! Forget me I am just a gal who has an amazing God. The good thing about me isn’t me at all but HIM. See Jesus! He’s everything.

When God ran to me

Reposted from 2008 in honor of all God has called son who have fallen in this world but still are loved by a Father whose love is perfect. A Father who ran down that long road to meet them and said my son has come home again! Happy Father’s day Sir.

When GOD ran to me. Click here to listen

Luke 15:11-24 A

¹¹And he said, A certain man had two sons:

¹²And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living.

¹³And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living.

¹⁴And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.

¹⁵And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine.

¹⁶And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him.

¹⁷And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!

¹⁸I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee,

¹⁹And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.

²⁰And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

²¹And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.

²²But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet:

²³And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry:

²⁴For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.

This story has a very significant meaning in my life. I did pack up all I had and run from GOD. I didn’t live riotously but I did waste my substance. I spent all I had physically, emotionally, and spiritually and was left desolate. For a season I lived beneath the calling GOD had placed in my life at salvation, the calling we all have to be salt and light to the world. You all know what I am talking about. I am talking about the kind of living we do waiting on living to happen. The kind of self absorbed reckoning with our lives at the cost of being right with GOD.

Whatever is in your life that is distracting you or keeping you from dealing with your “swine trough” is a stronghold.  That swine trough could be pride that keeps you from forgiving someone, it could be doing a “work for the LORD” that is nowhere near God’s plan for your life. It could be a trough of indecision or the game of “waiting on the LORD” Where did GOD say to wait on him and do nothing while waiting? I see myself so much in the statements above. This prodigal got to the point he felt he was no longer worthy to be called his father’s son. Have you ever said these words? God I am not even sure I am saved and I doubt I am your child because I am here in my pig trough belly aching when I could be at your table. WAKE UP folks we can’t do this long and not feel like swine and degenerate despots.  We can’t run from a holy and just GOD and feel nothing or expect no conviction. When we neglect to face our issues we create a reality that very far from real. Human nature can justify almost any action but there is a clear and true standard that answers most of our questions in dealing with almost any situation. That standard is God’s Word. Our hearts are wicked and will deceive every chance they get.

Can you imagine the scene? I am going to paint this picture for you in modern times using a modern situation. Imagine a woman coming down a long road after being ravaged by divorce from a 20 year first marriage when she had served God with all that she knew how. Then to be followed by a precious second relationship  that failed because of disobedience to God’s Word. Finally to move out of her comfort zone  to total devastation in a city far away from all she knows and loves.  She has done all she can do and knows to do to try to make it in this world. Her heart is broken and she doesn’t even feel worthy to be a daughter of such a Father. A Father who she thought at one time considered her worthy to be His child. In her mind she is thinking any closeness I can have to Him even to be His servant on the outside of the family is better than what I have sought in the pleasures in this world. She feels unlovable, rejected, and torn to pieces. She feels no hope out there where the prince of the world is Satan. Her heart divides her each choice she makes because she is not whole, healed, or able to decide what is right anymore.

Slowly she begins to read about her Father’s love, care, compassion, sacrifice, and understands that is where it all should rest. She doesn’t place her confidence in those who pull you into the swine trough any longer.  She is remembering as David often did in the Psalms of God’s goodness even when people you love make terrible mistakes that hurt you. She begins to read her Father’s Words with passion seeking jewels of his grace, guidance, mercy, love, and understanding as well as righteousness. Her head lifts and she prays earnestly to the only hope she has in this life. Father, I have sinned, I have taken your grace and disgraced so much with my life with fear, doubt, and directing my own steps.  Her prayer is a long road, but she is not left journeying that distance alone. When the Father sees her heart is broken HE begins to run to her. As each prayer she prays indicates her total surrender His steps pick up even faster. He takes her to his chest and shouts to those around to begin to celebrate. He clothes her with his clothes, not the clothes she was wearing in the world. Her prayer ends where it should have began, in the arms of GOD. He restores her to the status that she had before she fell. He restores her to the heir and daughter she was.

The point of this story is of course that I am that woman. The other more important point is that through prayer and God’s word I was able to stop being her and by HIS grace learn my Father’s heart for me by His Word. I know folks tell you all the time to read the Word. We think a few minutes on Sunday when the preacher gives a message is enough to last all week. I am telling you not reading the WORD and praying daily is spiritually going to starve you and make you weak for hard times. Life is hard but GOD is good and we will lose sight of that if we neglect knowing Him intimately by reading the WORD. Begin today to know the heart of GOD by reading HIS love to you in written form and accepting His love demonstrated to you in the Cross of Christ. Email me if you want to know more. Blessings

Fish or Cut Bait

A wise pastor used this phrase with me once and it never has left. It was in regard to relationships and life in general. Timing is very important and can’t be dismissed. I believe life happens in seasons. A few months ago I was sailing in a very calm water that was very content. Right now I am in a transition season on two fronts and it is very difficult. I still love life, meet it head on and seek the Lord but the bouncy joy I generally have is a bit quieter. These seasons are for our good and growth. God knows what it takes to mold a man or woman and is passionate to do that. Much of my blog has been about that molding process. Whether I bring it on or it’s a God appointment, one thing for sure, my God loves me and wants me to grow more like him. If I didn’t know that I would never have peace and joy. I have been thinking about the Scriptures below and see in them another phrase that I use quite often. “It is what it is”

The Bible says hope deferred makes the heart sick and we have to realize that time is a precious commodity and not allow ourselves to hope our time away waiting. I have been doing that lately. I have been hoping for a future instead of living in the now. Reading below you find more than a romantic notion. You find that we are to actively move through our time. We are to do the actions in the verses below not let them be done to us. The Bible says also to redeem the time because the days are evil. We are not left here to limbo through anything. God’s Word is clear that we are to live purposely because one day this life is over. One day we give an account. I want to hear well done. I believe for me the will of God is to do the next right thing, then the next right thing.

As a dear lamb of God, he teaches me over and over that the secret to life is letting go. When my hands cling to what I want I am saying no to God. When I hold on to my own way and ideas about how things should be and what looks proper or what I deserve (or don’t deserve) I am saying I know better than God what is best for me. Freedom and surrender are very close cousins. We have to free ourselves from ideas that bind us or box God in, we have to surrender that God might just do something we never expected in a way that only seems right to Him.

Dear ones before it is too late and the river of time carries something away from you that God wanted you to have, open your heart and mind to His provision and his grace for you. Let him restore you. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Only God does. Above all use your time wisely. Be restored by God and stop saying no. Don’t play God with your life or your time. The time to live is now.

Fish or cut bait is a term about stopping something that is futile. I say if you cut bait continue to fish where it makes sense to you and is planned by God. Never stop fishing. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you.

Ecclesiastes 3

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

13And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

14I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

15That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

16And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there

Praising Anyway

I raise my hand in praise saying you are my GOD, you are my Father, you are Holy and worthy of all praise. Even in my weakest moment you are my strength. I love you, I praise you, I am in amazement of your attributes and character that lay for me a firm foundation that I can stand upon. Mighty wings that I can rest under. Forever I sing your praises and understand your unfailing love for this wretched saint. I am reminded that your WORD is true and you are faithful to it. I am reminded that this life is temporal and that eternally you and you alone are my hope of GLORY. IN the storm you promise to be there even if I try to run to the depths of hell you will not leave me oh my GOD. No matter how dark things can be you are light. What else can I do but raise my hands and say …….. You are worthy because of who you are, I give you glory honor, praise, and say with my complete heart I thank you.

Father I don’t understand all that is happening but I adore you and know you are my hiding place, strong tower, refuge, and rock that is higher than I. This lamb is calling her Shepherd … with a grateful heart that I will always be a sheep needing you. I need you OH GOD. In Jesus name Amen.

This started out on my facebook but grew too big to put there. Ya know, sometimes you get to a place you just have to praise when you don’t really feel, or know what else to do. I wanted to start my day with praise and share it because HE is worthy. I am reminded of most of what I wrote over the last few months. As my writings become my life going from what I have learned in my head to what I understand in my heart I see God’s character and my own and find that I lack and still have much polishing to become a diamond out of the rough. God bless you all…

Life Doesn’t Collapse in a Moment

Life doesn’t collapse over minutes and we can get to the point we feel as if our life has been turned inside out. There are many in this life who are living that way and who have gotten so discouraged they are resigned to the coffin waiting on the nails.  They don’t have to live this way but choose to. All who give up do it  by either  deception of or  leading by  the flesh,  the world or the enemy.  No one cognitively thinks, let me pattern myself to fail. The result of all storms will be one of two things, they will develop or destroy you. The primary purpose of the storm is to glorify God and reveal his character so that you can trust safely in Him to guide and mold you. Sadly, I have been myself and seen folks who sit by allowing the storm to drown them. I would be there still if it weren’t for the Word of God and the great Shepherding of the LORD.  I am keenly aware these days that a relationship with God requires the same kind of effort one does in the world. I have to be attentive and purposeful in it to stay close to Him.

We get all turned inside out when we have knowledge of GOD that raises questions and not intimacy with GOD that answers those questions. When a storm comes just knowing about GOD does not lend itself to trusting GOD. I know God parted a Red Sea but that fact  doesn’t give me hope in a storm when I am up against the wall.  I know God spoke to Moses from a burning bush, but that doesn’t comfort me when I need to hear something in the storm. I know that God is sovereign but that doesn’t satisfy my heart when life fails and seems out of control.

Now, this might seem heresy but let me continue. Knowing what GOD did in the past does  not guarantee me anything if I don’t know His character and by  intimacy know He will not violate that character. The character attributes of God reveal not only who He is but also who I am in Him.  What does God’s Word really mean to us if when we are  tested we crash and burn? There’s no strength in that, no power, and certainly no glory for the LORD.  Just accumilating facts is meaningless if I don’t know a holy and just God’s moral and divine attributes. God’s character is what sustains his promises. Who he is determines what he does. It’s like going on a honeymoon with facts about your spouse but not your spouse. Check out the book of Habakkuk for a glimpse of God’s character and our response to Him.

Define Good

There is a verse we all know and use from time to time. Romans 8:28.

 ²⁸And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28, King James Version)

I used to think this verse was just a catch all for every thing that happens in this life. It’s thrown around like a baseball when everyone has a problem. I don’t see this verse that way at all. I know I think differently but I realized a long time ago that God gets to define good. What I might think is or isn’t good isn’t necessarily good. So many things in life happen and it seems to be devastating to the person you watch going through a rough season. I have experienced this first hand with several hard situations.

The conclusion I have always come to is this. God is good and gets to write my story for His glory. Joseph who had been sold into slavery said this. What you meant for evil, God meant for good. We have to understand that there is not instant relief to the “good” process. Sometimes it is a season that last for an undetermined amount of time. Some of the molding we go through also refines us and defines us as God seeks to make us more like His Son.

Think about that in light of the messes we make. We mean some things for evil, our hearts are desperately wicked and the Bible says even we can’t know it. So when we see a verse like this we might want to think it’s just dandy that there is a happy ending. It truly is great that where sin did abound grace did much more abound. I truly love that God said that.

What I am trying to say is this. The good that works out is not about my happiness or my comfort. God is more concerned with my character than pleasing me and giving me a rosy posy hand all the time. He cares that I grow and learn life’s lessons even at 50. I am blessed beyond all measure even in the storms. There is peace in knowing He is God and I am not. That he works continually on my behalf in His good pleasure and good timing. Indeed God is good.

Guard your heart, use your brains, and above all remember this is the Internet.

I wrote this article last year for a Christian internet dating site. I have edited it with a few more thoughts. I think it bears repeating. I am not trying to discount getting to know someone through dating sites. Studies show that people who meet on Eharmony for example have a higher success rate than meeting in person. Yet at some point people have to go toe to toe and eye to eye to dance in the minefield of relationships. That’s all I am saying here. Dating sites are a tool at best. Don’t get the cart before the horse.

March 2010.
Sometimes you have to use common sense. I know this will go over like a lead balloon. Internet dating sites lend themselves to serious discernment problems. You can’t have a “relationship” with someone you have never met. You can feel deeply, feel strongly, and all kinds of things but you can’t have a relationship with a chat box or phone call or even a few phone conversations. Relationships take quality time and take one on one interaction, and eventually growth together in person. That simply can not happen online where aspects of personality and character can not be seen. It’s far too important a matter to play roulette with. At some point you have to meet and see where the relationship might go.

Miracles happen and things stranger than fiction have. Generally speaking that’s the exception more than the rule. You can at best develop an “acquaintance friendship” Friendships take a long time to form and relationships even longer. Online one might jump right into the latter without the former and begin roles never assigned to them if in real time. The problem with this kind of thinking is that you can give your heart over to a person you have not met because you are living in a pseudo fantasy land and wind up with disaster.

A person can expect you to fill a certain role based on where their heart is and they wind up with a disaster. This creates chaos, distraction from the LORD and folks get hurt that way. Be mature, respectful, and direct in these things. Do not play games or expect mind reading. Guard your heart, use your brains, and above all remember this is the Internet.

We have to understand God’s heart for us is not to walk into a disaster. Disaster that often breeds with the availability of Internet anonymity. Too many can “be all they wanted to be” vs. be real. I know I have used the word “fantasy land” before but that is because there is no word to describe the plane that the Internet affords. It’s still being defined. What I do know about and have seen is the brokenness of people who have played in this media and found themselves hurt. I have seen it and experienced it. I think the Internet’s own virtue is it’s own demon. The fact that you can connect with so many on so many different levels because you aren’t distracted by the physical. I have a couple of long term friends that I have come to know as kindred brothers and sisters in the LORD but I know how rare that is and given their character I am thankful they are real. I have met them both and to me they are extended family. Even those friendships are 8 years old and did not foster overnight.

Men, if you are reading this understand intelligent women are not just protecting their heart but yours as well if they are wise enough to hold back. A weaker woman will create you as a white knight in shining armor. A strong woman will still develop ties that are going to cause her heartache if she doesn’t make healthy choices. That is unfair for you and her. Yet if a woman can’t see at best all people have armor that has rust spots and chinks she will get herself involved with someone who isn’t real.

Women, if you are reading, understand words are just words. Action reveals what a person truly believes and exposes their character. Until you are in person, you really have words and maybe a bit of knowledge about them. Be aware of sites that offer too many contacts which also offers too many distractions. Juggling men will lead to being perplexed. One pursues you that you are not interested be honest and cut that off. It’s not fair to make people an option. Another delays pursuing you because to him you are an option. The old saying goes, “never make someone a priority who only makes you an option” A third guy is great but keeps you clueless. Shake hands, be friends and move forward. Some say that they are not ready for anything but are on a dating site fishing. . Don’t be insecure about that, understand it’s good news. Clarity is much better than guessing. This division of the heart is not good for a woman to bring into her life. God is not the author of confusion. A man will seek what matters to him. He may not do it at your speed but you will know if he’s interested or not. No need to sell yourself, throw yourself at him. If a man isn’t casting a net in your pond the best thing you can do is gratefully accept that.. Know yourself and your God who will provide the desires of your heart. I know I am not winning friends with this post. I love people, love the LORD and had to get it out there.

Men approach relationships different. I don’t pretend to know what all of those differences are. I just know that women aspire to relationships emotionally more than men I think. (keep in mind this is my own opinion and observation)

The goal should be though if CHRISTIAN to do it in a Godly way vs, worldly way. You can’t trade urgency for real passion, heart, fun and companionship. Rushing a relationship is like lighting a short fuse. I for one do not want to be the cause of anyone being hurt and want to do things in a way that lasts beyond the fireworks and pleases GOD. If I had to draw lines to do that I just can’t apologize for that. Passion in it’s place is well worth the wait.

I think a woman should be pursued and found as a treasure. Keep your options open until you meet a person and see their life first hand. Be careful out there.

Turn on a Dime

I am amazed how fluid life can be. You can hope and dream but in all reality we have to know that dreams are dreams. Our feet have to land on the ground and sometimes accept where we really are.
This was a proving week. It was a week to learn about my own weaknesses and strengths. Until you are proved you can think you know something or think you are something. The Bible says not to think too much about ourselves and after this week I see more clearly why.

I just want to take a short minute to say this. I know some of my post get long but here’s the short cut to it. This is how I want to go out. I can’t wait to see what God is doing with the recent developments in my life. I am amazed and overwhelmed sometimes with just His love. Top that with the changes taking place in my life and I can’t imagine where this is going. I just know that I am following, praying, reading, growing and totally excited at age 50 to still be in the race.

Acts.20:23 But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God.

Plow Days? (for lack of a better title)

My little heart has pondered, prayed, persevered and plowed through. I know that my heavenly Father wants the best for me and have no doubt about that at all. I write a lot here about how wondrously he has saved me and sustained me. Even this post I am sure will wind up saying that some way.

Living in this fallen world that isn’t my home has been a journey I would have never believed I could survive. It may look automatic or easy in writing but today I think it’s necessary to say it’s not. We are all “works in progress” as we have heard so many times. I think that we can claim that and I surely do. I am totally a work in progress. I have to be careful being too comfortable with that term because I might plow a rut that gets my plow stuck.

I would rather strip gears than idle long and God continually keeps right on teaching me that he wants to be my everything and is. Is he really enough? It’s hard somedays here. My circumstance right now is absolutely one that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. In the middle of the uncertainty I have to be real with folks about who Christ is and I have to do the best I can to be a light. I have to keep my head on straight and realize others are affected by my actions. Only God can help me and keep me out of the way. In other words, I can’t just take a vacation from being Deb and throw it all out the window because it’s uncomfortable. Believe me it is uncomfortable.

The details aren’t necessary but the bottom line is this. God has said to seek first the kingdom and all these things will be added unto you. I really think that means if we seek what God values we will have what we value because we are becoming more and more like him daily. Our values become like his.

Is he really enough? The answer to that is this. I don’t have to feel he’s really enough I have to know it. I don’t have to feel forgiven, I have to believe it. I don’t have hands clinging to hope, I have to rest in my hope. When questions come in they can only be answered with truth.

The feelings are there and real and raw. They are more so in the last few weeks than in a while. Life can be a struggle but that’s where I have to put feelings aside and rest in what I know to be true. Tall order for a woman who has a heart like mine. It’s the hardest thing I do because I care deeply, love deeply and plow deeply.

I am not talking about discontentment here. What I am talking about is the movement of God in my life to reposition me. The handwriting on the wall kind of work God does.
I know that I will continue to pray, believe, hope and move forward. I have a God who will sift me and joys in doing it because it’s best for me. Several years ago I looked at heaven and said “I will love you anyway Lord” and that’s where I am today. I will love him anyway in all things because he is mine and I am his.

When things don’t go like my planned dreams I pray for God to lead me to what he can bless. I give my best daily to him. He sorts it and the wood hay and stubble fade but in there somewhere are things he keeps. I raise my hands and praise him. God is good in my life and I am blessed beyond anything I deserve.

My chin is up and I am moving on believing God wants the best for me. How this will all play out I have no clue. I can’t at this point say I know anything for sure beyond what I know in Christ. I will though put one foot in front of the other as I follow my precious Shepherd who knows how all things should be. When the plowing is done it will be time to plant and harvest. I long for the fields to be ripe again.

I might not understand it all but daily I pray this verse. I believe no matter how far I have fallen and how much I have done in this life. This is my mandate from God.

 ¹³Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

 ¹⁴I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:13-14, King James Version)

I ran under his wings.

Under His Wings By New Manna Youth Choir

I can almost pinpoint the day my universe began to slide out of orbit. I knew the enemy of the soul had created a storm I had no choice but to endure. I remember when it hit how I had felt so destroyed. The best way I can describe it is this. Imagine walking across a field so tranquil and so serene with your husband who is your best friend and your children. Then you feel a sharp pain and grab your heart. There’s blood and you have been shot. You are not sure where it came from but you put your hand up to stop the bleeding. Another pain occurs and you have been shot again. You cover that wound with your other hand. You look around but there’s no help. Third shot and you realize it’s your best friend shooting. Your heart shatters and your knees buckle. How can this be? Where is my safety? How on earth could this happen?

You have no hands left. Two more shots and you realize your children have been hit. You can’t cover all the wounds. You are all wounded and there is nothing you can do. Even to this day when I hear this song, I remember. I was sitting a New Manna the night they sang this. Tears streaming down my face as they do now. I knew then that day in the field was coming, knew the enemy was looking for me and that I was soon to be alone in this world. I can’t describe the pain better than that.

Nine years later when I hear that song I am a different woman. Oh, I would have given anything for my children to not have been hurt by divorce. I would have never in a million years wished that for their lives. I have to say though that I am thankful.

How on earth can I be? How on earth can anyone be? Well it’s been a journey. I live every day of my life with a choice I didn’t make. I have been alone now 9 years. It’s been a hard road and is a hard road. I won’t mince words on that. I have real joy though and wouldn’t take nothing for knowing what I know now.

I learned something from it that I praise GOD for. I learned that under the wings of the almighty is the only place I could find out who I was in Christ. The most joyously painful lesson I have ever learned. I have learned that GOD is in control of everything and that everything that happens is for my good and His glory.
Nothing describes it like Psalms 91

 ¹He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

 ²I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

 ³Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

 ⁴He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

 ⁵Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

 ⁶Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

 ⁷A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

 ⁸Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

 ⁹Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;

 ¹⁰There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

 ¹¹For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

 ¹²They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

 ¹³Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

 ¹⁴Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

 ¹⁵He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

 ¹⁶With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation. (Psalm 91, King James Version)

When I read those verses I am reminded of the love and care of a GOD who has bound my wounds and healed my pain.

How far down the road am I from that beautiful field? Well my life is not a bed of roses but no ones is. We live in a fallen challenging world. Yet I have chosen to know my LORD intimately and be satisfied with him completely. I am overwhelmed with His love.
I desire to remarry one day to a man who will walk that field with me without a weapon but so far that hasn’t happened. I am not fretful or scared it won’t. I know GOD’s heart for me. I have learned to be content and wait until GOD decides. He’s walking that field with me right now and that’s the best part. Although the song above still brings tears and I know another trial can come into my life any time of that magnitude. The thing I know now that I didn’t know then was the character of my GOD. I knew tons about GOD and loved deeply then. Yet when my storm hit and I was alone naked before a just holy GOD who saw me and my situation, it was then I realized who He truly was.

For me it was the WORD of GOD that changed everything. I began searching for answers and found them in the Truth that set me free. I was freed from the bondage of my past, the burden of my sin and the sorrow of my heart.

Now that brings me to one point. The same GOD who freed me will free the person who shot me the same way. It’s the same grace, same faith, same truth, same salvation, same word and same forgiveness. That might not sound fair to folks wanting revenge or being bitter. Think about it though.

GOD is so fair and holy he will restore the one who brought me pain the same way he will restore me! Doesn’t that reveal a character that is immutable, righteous, holy, just, and perfect. Doesn’t that show his great love for you! Wow! I can still hear the cry of my heart from those days. Lord, only you can take me from disgrace to grace to glory. Please step in here Father this is too big for me.

I remember going to the altar during the school day when I had a moment and crying out to GOD not knowing where I would be in the future. There’s no darkness to our GOD. My darkest moment was light to him according to Psalms 139:12.

Today yes I am thankful. I have the deepest well in my Father’s love that springs up and splashes anyone who gets in my path. I am so blessed, so thankful, so much more a woman because of HIM. Forget me and see my Saviour that hides me under his precious wings. No storm can harm me there. I am in some storms now and some temporal uncertainty. Where will I live, where will I work, will I love again and how do I stay a light waiting. We all face that kind of stuff. I might not know all of those answers but I cling to the One who does.

I have forgiven, I am forgiven and life moves on.

That’s HIM!

Please click here to hear the great song That’s Him by the Hoppers.

It’s 2 o’clock in the morning and my heart is wideopen so I must write. I love the song above because that is exactly how I feel about my Savior.

When life has been such a mess and I have come undone

When there’s no answer for my sin in this world

When I seem to find the race hard to run

When I run low on heart and high on hurt

When I can’t find my way back home

When I don’t know what to pray

When it seems as if I will be alone

When I struggle in the fray

I raise my hands to heaven and say …… that’s HIM …..

That’s HIM who knows how to lead this little lamb to HIS throne so I can boldly  pray to my GOD alone. That’s Him who cleanses my sin and welcomes me in his gates. That’s Him who will never leave. That’s HIM who will give me peace. Alpha and Omega …… oh so much more….. he’s the one who reached down to save me like I was HIS only child. I can’t find the words to describe the safety and love I feel in my heart. Security, peace and forbearing my sin… How can I ever thank the one who speaks to the waves. He calms the storm in me….. THAT’s HIM..

Create in me a clean heart, My sin.

Create In Me a Clean Heart by Keith Green click here to listen.

I love the passage of Scripture that this song is based on. Psalms 51 I think verse 4 stands out to me. As I write and try to share my story I try to say things that are generally uplifting but there are times when I have to be real looking at myself. It would be easy to always let you see victory in my life but then if you looked beyond the praise you would see a person who is different than you read here in this blog. I am living in Christ victoriously but also like everyone, I sin. This is one of those hard post because it’s me just as I am behind the praise. I am seeking God’s will and was convicted about sin.

David had sinned with Bathsheba and it was pointed out to him. Psalms 51 was written after his adultery had been revealed. I watched the anatomy of his confession and see in this deep understanding of God’s character. The focus is not the adultery but the fact that any action that crosses the threshold of temptation to violate a holy, just, and merciful God is indeed sin.

I would love to say I never sin but that in of itself would be a sin. I would love to say nothing ever gets me down but again that would be a lie and you are getting the gist of what I am saying. I can’t justify my actions. I have recently been dealing with something and had come to a couple of realizations. I will only delve into one here. I am being tested. What I want to deal with in this post is my sin and God’s will. This particular time of sin happened several years ago. I can’t say at the time I didn’t know I was sinning, I did. I was surviving by rationalizing my actions. I am not going to go into what I did because it really doesn’t matter. Disobedience to God is disobedience to God. With sin it’s a most sizes fit all proposition. The bottom line is my sin was against a just, holy, God who has redeemed my soul. Because I did it willingly I did not feel Godly sorrow over it. I thought it was heinous that I couldn’t feel repentant. I was basing my life on what I was seeing around me at the time and a lot of people were naming the name of Christ doing the same thing. Does that negate my responsibility? IN NO WAY! I knew better, and I sinned anyway. I recently have had to deal with my transgression and seek the LORD to create a clean heart in me. I really want to love and serve my LORD with my whole heart. I can’t do that with a heart that is not clean and receptive to His leading. Whatever I cling to, whether it be sin, relationships, past or future fear, all of it gets in the way of His plan. I see my relationship to Him as the most powerful love of my life. Sinning against Him hurts me in many ways and He is clear about my sin in His Word. You would have to see where he brought me from to understand why the love of Christ constrains me. I want you to know that you have to deal with things to grow and heal. I had confessed other things to GOD since this sin but not this one. I think pride was part of it, and also denial. When I moved to Dallas, God orchestrated a lot of things in my life to heal me and draw me close to Him. How could a gal who loves the LORD so much do something so bad? How could I be digging into Scripture and prayer and not have told GOD I was sorry for my wrong doing. Why didn’t it bother me daily, why am I now dealing with something that happened years ago. I think it was that I had to see myself as sinful as I was and because of all the brokenness, I couldn’t see it and take care of it. I spent time in prayer seeking the LORD about another matter when it hit me head on. I had sins that had never been addressed. I spent today reflecting, repenting, and receiving forgiveness. Why would I write that here? For sure it’s humbling, but at the same time, there may be a reader who is struggling, who has something in their past that they think is so far past that it doesn’t matter. Maybe a lot has happened to them and their life is hard and they think that there is so much packed way down there is no hope. I don’t know what your story is, but I do know the answer is always to take these things to God. To me today it mattered. First when I realized it I saw myself in need of the only GOD who can forgive sin. I ran to Him. Secondly, it showed me how fragile my life is and how carelessly I can be with it and days can turn into years. Thirdly, and this is the one that brings tears, I am more free by the Truth of God’s WORD that says who I am in CHRIST as I face who I was. Freedom in CHRIST is priceless. It can’t be bought or sold. His Truth sets us free and reveals His character so that we can grow more like Him. .. Wretched sinner that I can be from grace to glory to glory. I love HIM! I am in awe that only HE can take us from disgrace to grace.

Psalms 51: 1Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. 2Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 3For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. 4Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. 5Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. 6Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. 7Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. 9Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. 10Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. 11Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. 12Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. 13Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. 14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. 15O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. 16For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. 17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. 18Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. 19Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.

Encouragement from my beautiful daughter.

(my daughter sent this email to me and I hope it encourages all who might read here.) I read this again today … what a priceless treasure.

Dear Mom,

I kinda understand what you are going through there at work.  It’s hard to live in a secular environment, be criticized for faith, and still remain positive. 

I hope I can encourage you with what I have learned here.

I now feel like I understand what is meant by “The Truth shall make you free.”  I go to classes where no one believes in absolute Truth.  I find though that it is not discouraging or limiting.  It is freeing in the sense that I know the Truth, and regardless of what people think of me or believe about me falsely, I am free in Christ.  I am free to be able to hold my beliefs regardless of what society says.  I can see clearly how postmodernism has become a prison for people because they are trapped in trying to explain the world and events without fully understanding the whole picture. 

I know you may not be experiencing this as I am.  However, I think some themes here are similar.  I know that no matter what happens that I am secure in my faith and in my God.  I have Truth on my side.  I have God on my side.  I have security regardless of what happens with the economy or school in knowing that He will take care of me.  These facts give me confidence.  I feel that there is no reason to be sad or worried or fearful.  Those aren’t from God.  Those are things that come to attack us and make us think that God isn’t in control or on our side.  I can’t explain enough how good it is to know I serve a BIG God, not a tiny one, a dead one, a confused one; but a GREAT BIG GOD that is all-powerful, and all-knowing.  It gives me confidence and that is where I draw my strength. 

I understand its hard to keep going in the face of adversity, especially at work or school where our lives are literally lived.  However, God wants you to know that he supports you and is “keeping” you in his perfect Grace.  He is BIG and can handle whatever people may say to you or do to you.  Just live for Him and in light of His grace.  He will take care of the rest. 

I could go on and on here because I really get it now, but I hope that in some small way you can feel encouraged knowing that others are going through the same types of struggles, you are not alone, and regardless of what people are around you God is always there.  He identifies with us in a way that no one else does.  He asked Saul on the road to Damascus why he was perscuting Him.  God said “ME” meaning that when people speak wrongly against you or bring evil against you they are essentially doing it to Him.  That, I believe more than anything demonstrates our identity in Him.

When life gets hard, remember Who’s you are!

Love you!

Why can’t we be rescued? When the sacred is torn from our lives.

Click here to listen

Natalie Grant sings the song Held about a true story of a woman losing her 2 month old infant. We have all been there where we have cried out to God at those times when we knew no where else to turn. The dead end of desperation sometimes drives us to God in the hard seasons. Or it drives us to things that can’t answer the soul’s need.

We all have been in situations where only God could heal or rescue and He doesn’t. We have all said goodbye to someone we loved too soon whether they died or left our story. We have watched dreams pass through our hands like grains of sand. Losing things you hold dear like family, loved ones and friends is the toughest for me. Being physically alone and my sole support makes the journey harder too sometimes. The tearing away is hard and when I write that I really feel for and respect the valley. The realization that you can’t change what is about to happen can almost be gut wrenching. There is something that brings a feeling so raw and real when we suffer serious loss. “When the sacred is torn from our lives and we survive.” We have passed from death to life, is this really life?

It does raise a question in us or at least is does me. The answer is always the same though dear ones. My Father is in control. I might have to be held by that understanding alone right now! I am in a very hard season that started yesterday. I had been on a break that I am grateful for but God is about my growth and walk with him. I already know he is not going to rescue me from this storm. It will come and he will walk out to meet me in it and walk with me back to the boat, but this is my storm and it’s coming. I know that I know that I know that whatever happens he is my God and I am his precious daughter. What I might define as disaster he defines as destiny. He’s the Savior who walked Peter on the water in the storm, the one who weeped over those who were weeping when Lazarus was called forth from the tomb. My God is the one who asked the disciples to wait and watch one hour while he prayed and sweated blood in the garden.

Just as I would without a doubt give my life for my children, My GOD who gave his life for me does the same. Where is the hope then?

The hope is not in the happening. What is going on right now is not the real story. The real story is that GOD is forming and molding me through this hard season to glorify him and also to be more like him.

I have a love hate relationship with that process. I totally love GOD and embrace it with joy that he would love me enough to use everything even my sorrow to mold me. I do not love the pain to be honest but the journey from grace to glory went through a garden and a cross. I am settling down for this storm knowing that it will end and the skies will clear and my life will be what God wants for me because this lamb is following her Shepherd no matter what happens. In the past I tried to calm the sea but I have learned if you are sinking you drown the more you squirm.

In these times when it doesn’t make sense and I can’t see in the darkness I go to the rock and know that he can. My darkness is light to him.

Psalms 139:12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

There might be tears and I may call on close friends to pray for me but I will not be moved. I will stand on the promise that he is faithful. I already know that I will post something in the future that will reveal how my GOD stood by me. For right now I am telling him everything because I know that he can take it.

Shipwrecked- Can this be a good thing?

 Καὶ ἐν τούτῳ γινώσκομεν ὅτι ἐγνώκαμεν αὐτὸν ἐὰν τὰς ἐντολὰς αὐτοῦ τηρῶμεν. I
Repost from March 2010
John 2:3 (scroll your mouse over the words for their meaning)

What do you really know?

My journey recently took a rabbit trail that I am working through.  I am so thrilled with where I am headed in the LORD and very content in being able to trust Him for hard times. LORD willing each day has new mercies for me. Yet sometimes those storm moments come when you really have to have a firm foundation or other shipwrecked people will cause you to shipwreck as well. I truly know that as much as I love the LORD at any time I can be tempted and not look for the escape, or I can be tested and not retreat to my faith in GOD.

This rabbit trail is about my observation and understanding though limited of what I see from my perspective happening in people I know and love and at times past in my own life.

 It you read the account of Peter walking on the water  in Matthew 14, you find that he called out to Jesus in the midst of sinking in the storm. Jesus came out to the men in the storm but the storm didn’t cease just because Jesus came out on the water. The storm was no big deal to our Lord to be honest. He could walk in a storm just as he could walk on calm seas. What a great side thought there that ties to Psalms 139. Where can we go that the LORD can’t be? What safer place to have Him show up than in a storm?  As a master teacher I can see Jesus heart in this to reveal the Father to them. This was a teaching moment about our faith. Is our faith in what we know or in who we know? What they knew was that it was stormy, someone or something was walking on water, and they had left Jesus on the shore.  Their faith should have been looking for Jesus in the storm but they were looking at themselves.  

 One would have to ask  when Jesus came out in the storm to them, why did  they questioned who He was. Had they seen that many spirits walking on water to fearfully ask if this was a spirit? I doubt it. I think the phenomenon here was that the storm had them so distracted that they forgot who they were just with. Has that ever happened to me in my life! I watch it happen to others as well Biblical characters, Elijah coming to mind right away.   We know the great mighty power of God that can save our soul, create the world, and do many miracles in the Bible.  It’s amazing that when our “storm” -circumstances get just powerful enough- we forget who we trusted and who lives within us.  The object of our faith wanes to the noise of our situation because as great as knowledge when it is all that we have then we come up short having a foundation that is as shakable as our own human reasoning. Solomon wrote about the folly of just having knowledge without obedience.

They had to ask who was out there and when Jesus answered it was him, Peter immediately switched to his faith and said if it’s you let me come out there. For a moment Peter forgot about the storm because his eyes were properly focused on the Lord. He walked out to the Lord, but the minute he lost focus as the wind kicked up he began to sink.  I think the pivotal moment with Peter is when he began to sink he called out to Jesus. Who indicated that his faith was little. Oh, that we would fully rest and trust in what GOD has said and done before us in His Word.

  Truth that sets us free is based on the object of our faith being the truth. It’s based on trusting and gaining experience in that trust through real intimacy with Christ and practical application of the WORD of God.  Not having that relationship causes us to become confused in the storm. Just having knowledge without experiencing God’s faithfulness expressed by His character revealed in His WORD always undermines our walk.   We look out over the boisterous water with vision that is filtered by our circumstances and not our faith. That causes us to shrink back, look around and shipwreck. The trust we have in the true Word of God engages us and moves us when life doesn’t make sense or is as we had hoped for.  True faith will cause us to be constrained by the LOVE of Christ.   The book of Timothy talks about unfeigned faith and shipwreck.  The anatomy of a shipwreck is not pretty. When we shipwreck basically what happens is we are in a holding pattern. We are not effective in the kingdom any longer except as a poor example.  We leave people behind who looked to us for leadership and light.  We miss opportunities. We also sometimes resign our self to the wreckage thinking there is no way out. That is disastrous but there is an even more severely ugly type of shipwreck where we have watched the storm so much, we think we are in right standing with the LORD even though we are sidelined because of disobedience. I am reminded of Saul and David, both thought GOD was going to deliver the other into their hands. Yet, only one was correct. Saul was shipwrecked but all the while thinking he was A-OK.

What do we really know? For me, I have had to learn to trust GOD above what I feel, how I am treated by others, and regardless of what people I love do. When a person decides to choose something that is in disobedience to GOD, I have to get out of the way and let that be God’s problem. When it’s me, I have to as Peter did, call out to the only one who can save me. If  Peter did not call out would he had of drowned? I think spiritually he would have. It breaks my heart to watch people drown spiritually.  When it’s me I always suffer loss. Father GOD, we love you and praise you for your wonderful gift of grace by faith. Increase our faith and thank you for being a GOD whose character reveals why our faith is not in vain. Help us see you clearly to avoid being shipwrecked or to enjoy the privilege when dashed on the rocks of seeing GOD work even more of Himself through us. In Jesus name amen .

Thanks to Erika for a missing piece in this post. YES! all that comes in to our lives that provides an opportunity to grow is a good thing. What a mighty GOD that works these things in His plan. I am humbled by Him.

Medicating yourself emotionally, We have to deal and heal

Written March 2010.
Losing my Mom was very difficult. She suffered her last days on this earth but always trusted the LORD knew best to heal her or take her home. My last conversation with her was so emotional. I did not make it to her bedside before she passed. She knew she was dying and said how much she loved me over and over. She also said to be good to people and love the LORD.  As I went to her home to try to get things together after her death I was overwhelmed by the amount of medication she had. I can’t imagine taking that much medication in one day. For as many pills as she took there was no real relief to her suffering because the pills only masked or numbed the symptoms. They did not heal her. While I was home I tried to do some things but had been having a nagging back ache for a few weeks. There were things at my own home back in SC that needed to be taken care of. I managed to overdo it and return to Dallas with very intense pain in my lower back. Long story short after nursing it through the holidays I saw an internist who sent me to an surgeon. I had some inflamation in my spinal column that was pushing on nerves really creating havoc with my concentration and lifestyle. I was prescribed several pain relievers of different types to bombarde the inflamation. They worked for a while but again only masking the pain and not healing me. Something in my spine was misaligned and the meds just kept me from feeling it.  When something is spritutally misaligned no amount of emotional medication will heal that. We fool ourselves thinking we are ok when we are running and numbing.

In midst of the grief and physical pain  I was challenged to a very deep level by someone  from my past that I loved.  I had been praying for them for over a year so their sudden appearance seemed to be an answer to prayer.  Unfortunately some answers sometimes are not what we prayed for.

 This morning I couldn’t sleep thinking about what I am seeing them go through. I thought of this medication scenario when I thought of them. Physical medication that heals nothing does bring momentary comfort and alleviate our pain and suffering. Emotional medication damages us rather than brings comfort. It doesn’t let God’s intention for suffering and testing heal. What do I mean by emotional medication? I mean surrounding your life with things that numb your accountability to GOD and that fills your hours with distractions that keep you from change and God’s will.  We hear about major addictions people turn to in order not to feel or deal, drugs, sex, money, and power.

What I am talking about is much more subtle. It’s in our minds and hearts and we have to be careful what and who we expose ourselves to or allow ourselves to become in bondage to.  There are two approaches to truth it is either believed and demonstrated by our actions and changes us or dismissed and fills us with knowledge that is useless unless we change. In other words the power of truth is the response to it.

  We can be blinded while we are medicating ourselves and it takes more and more to stuff out the noise of our soul’s cry to be free.  Jesus came to set the captives free. Isaiah 61. Luke 4. We are going to be tried and tested in this life and much of it is orchestrated to reveal our character and mold us into Christlikeness which frees us.  I try to be real about that and my reality isn’t always pretty, I have experienced alot in 49 years. 

It grieves my heart watching someone I love  ruin their testimony, wander in circles in the wilderness thinking shamefully that it is their plight.  People outside of me and my bias who are  watching them see it and are saddened as well.  When you are being medicated this way by artificial worldy pleasures and pursuits,  it’s hard to see it in your life. Your symptoms can be so masked that you really think you are ok even Godly.  I was there the first years after my divorce. No one could speak to me and change my heart and mind. I spent hours with people who were broken and medicating themselves with my brokeness. That makes this all the more hard to watch. I have been there.

I have also learned to purposefully take care of my relationship with Christ.  I try to keep myself surrounded people who love God and sometimes we pray for and talk about situations and circumstances in our lives being the body fitly joined together. I need the accountability and truth in love they share and I do likewise with them. The biggest change in my life is digging into the WORD of GOD and developing a real intimacy with Him.

 I was having such a conversation with a Christian friend who is an author that deals with the subject of wilderness experiences, brokeness, and depression and victorious living in Christ beyond them.  I asked him a question based on his experience with folks who resign themselves to “a hard life” who were burnt and spent and this was his answer about their future.  I thought it put into words what I hadn’t been able to so far. This is to me what an emotionally medicated person looks like.

“[They] will either enter the rest of Christ and the reality of Christ or  live as a wilderness christian with a deeply broken heart wandering around going nowhere in circles” , “pitiful lives with Christ in them and all you see in flesh”

“like the desert a vague memory they will be as a witness,  a piece of sand blown away in the wind forgotten that Christ lives in them” ,”You are welcomed into the kingdom but boy a poor example, just like the Israelites, resigned to self-imposed poverty in the desert,  and there you will die as a Christian”

“[It's] so simple, the same faith that saved you is the same faith you live as a Christian. Christ in us living thru us but so hard to grasp”

“Thats what happens to wilderness Christians, you lose focus on the heart and build your ego up - [     ] and put a Christian label on it or you get attracted back to Egypt and live in sin. Build your ego up and make your Christian life attractive on the outside,  but the inside is as dry as the desert and as dead as bones.”

This conversation was the result of my heart grieving my loved ones loss.  I hate to see them lose. I heard it and felt it in their last contact with me. I hadn’t seen it as clearly as before. The bottom line is as much as I desire things be different, I am not this persons mom and certainly not the Holy Spirit. I can’t fix people. If I could they would be in worse shape anyway because I am not GOD.   I have to stand back and get out of God’s way. I also am accountable to guard my heart and walk so as not to let someone be a stumbling block to me. The last underlined sentence gripped my heart the most, I am sure we all have had seasons like this somewhere in our walk.  What is the answer? The truth is we all face things that challenge our lives, we come to those storms and are either developed or destroyed. It all depends not on the truth we know but the truth we believe. Is CHRIST not only able to save but able as HIS Word says to “keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day?” Everyone has their pivotal moment when they have to either trust GOD or wander in the wilderness.  Challenges reveal our substance and character and most importantly what we believe and base our faith on.  GOD will let us choose. GOD is sovereign but it’s always our choice to obey.

Totally Disturbed! TY LORD

When I was a teacher I loved studying and teaching on the early pioneers in science, many of whom were strong in the faith. Sir Frances Drake wrote this poem that describes the passion I have for the LORD and for knowing HIM intimately. I can’t begin to praise the wonders of GOD who has shaken my life and molded it into such a beautiful rose. I have to add here just so that you know without being envious that my life is not perfect. It’s far from that. I planted myself 4 years ago in circumstances that I should have never entertained and now after much trial and refining by the master potter, I see that and allow the Holy Spirit to work in my life to mold me to HIS will and way. God had to disturb me from mere existence to life. ONLY GOD can do that for us. I pray daily for HIS will and way. HE is my breath and complete and utter dependence on HIM is all that I can base my life on. Day by day HIS grace reveals to me what HE desires through HIS love letter to me. HE is my lover, my friend, my everlasting eternal holy GOD. Oh, how I love HIM and ache for the day when this temporal disturbing life is over and I see HIM never more to be disturbed. Thirsting here in this life to want more because HE is all and I want all of HIM. Praise you Father for overhwhelming me with your love.

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

Sir Frances Drake, 1577

Psalm 100

¹Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all ye lands.

²Serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing.

³Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

⁴Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

⁵For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.

Changing Scars to Beauty Marks

I heard Anne Graham Lotz talk about God changing our scars to beauty marks. LORD knows I had some scars. I was talking to someone after a lecture I attended and after our conversation I drove home with alot of what I had said running thru my mind.
It’s not an easy message to tell folks that some of their pain is ok. That life is hard and GOD will be their peace. They want relief and sometimes relief doesn’t come in the process as quickly as desired. This causes all kinds of problems if you push ahead of God’s plans for your life and seek relief in the wrong people or things. People do not want to hear that this life is not about our comfort. I was driving along home thinking how much of my own life has been marvelously crafted by a hammer and chisel of some of the greatest pain. One of the deepest scars is the scar of rejection. No one naturally likes to be rejected. Those who are rejected by people who should have loved them are the people I most identify with. That type of rejection leaves significant scars. Women should guard their hearts better than I guarded mine. Women are not naturally designed to do that. We are designed to want to give of ourselves to others. I love being a woman and the wonderful thing about a woman’s heart is also what makes her vulnerable.
The most wise advice would be to avoid the scars in the first place. I know that sounded like DUH! God is teaching me by His Word how to do that but this blog is about people who are already scarred. What do you do when you are so deeply wounded and healing seems so very slow? I can only share and hopefully encourage you. I was very depressed and sinking over a final rejection by someone I loved. They couldn’t get their life together for whatever reason which kept them from being in my life. Boy, did that hurt watching them waste away and finally realizing they choose to.
I can’t tell you why this wounded me so deeply still learning that, but I can tell you that it was not a feeling I had experienced before. It was one of the deepest pains I had ever felt. I think it stripped something inside of me that needed to go. The best I can describe it is this, God has to meet all your needs and people never will. It’s unfair to folks to expect that. God has been molding my life in that direction lately. He has been molding me to trust Him completely and no one else for anything else. I love the body of Christ, love to fellowship, and they do meet a lot of needs in my life as they minister to me and I to them. What precious people God has put in my path in Dallas. Yet my hope is not in them because at some point they will fail me and I will fail them. I have to allow for that to happen because it will. Just love them anyway as they love me anyway. My hope is in the LORD alone.
What is healing me is His Word. I know that might be the last thing you want to hear because Christians rarely read the Bible anymore as a whole. We look for blogs, self-help books, and tapes and conferences to bring that magic wand that opens our eyes and makes all things right with the world. Save your money and your time. Those things can help to some degree but nothing will replace time with GOD and time in the WORD. Believe me I tried them all!!! My only hope is that you read this stuff I write and want to get to know the GOD I speak of intimately. If you read it and think of me then I have failed my mission. If you could look me in the eye right now I would tell you this. Get in the WORD, do it consistently and pray regularly it will change your scars to beauty marks. It won’t feel natural at first and might even be a chore. Still do it dear ones, let it open those wounds and spiritually salve them over as you heal the right and proper way, by God’s perspective. When I read I see the character of GOD who loves me, allows the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort me, as He heals my wounds. This life is hard, hard things happen, and some are part of our growth. Imagine a GOD who is loving enough to walk through it with you, leaving behind HIS WORD, and Spirit to be not only your guide but to reveal HIS heart clearly so that you know HE is holy and just. Only a perfect holy just GOD could orchestrate a symphony of pain that could bring sweet music and relief to our broken lives. It’s not about the pain, it’s about being molded more into HIS likeness to glorify Him. Jesus said he came to set us free. Pain brings bondage. It takes our focus. The only way to be free is to shift your focus to the object of your faith. God’s WORD accomplishes that in us by setting us free with truth. Luke 4:18 Jesus proclaimed this was part of HIS mission.
Luke 4:18 The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,

Good Friday? Are You Kidding Me?

I have been studying church history and the history of Christianity in general and I have wanted to honestly absorb what happened the week that Jesus died. I wanted to absorb the enormity of the unspeakable gift and sacrifice of God to fallen man. I have seriously pondered and thought what it must have been like those last few days to be part of the ministry of the Son of God. I realized how beautiful the picture was that Christ, in his last act with the disciples became a servant, washing their feet. I have often thought that if I had to use only a few words to describe all of Christianity, servant would be in the top 10.

As we look at the cross we have to think about how the followers of Jesus felt before his death. Circumstances had to look bleak hopeless and unreal. The day of agonizing prayer in the garden as the disciples slept, the betrayal, and the subsequent arrest and ultimate crucifixion was to be remembered in history as “good” Friday. Good? Is that our definition of good? No, it would never be viewed in an earthly way as a good day if the events were happening to us.

Mary has lost her son, grieving as a mother would. The disciples are wondering if it was all real or a joke since their teacher, master, and Saviour now was laid in a tomb. Preparations were being made to bring the necessary spices to embalm him, meaning they didn’t think he would rise from the grave. Agony, grief, pain, doubt, fear, regret and “what ifs” were plaguing their thoughts as Satan was working and enjoying the moment. God was all the while, working unseen, conquering death, finalizing the atonement that would secure our justification. I was playing this over in my mind, trying to embrace everything I was reading in the Bible about it when it hit me like a lightening bolt right in the center of my heart.

Dear friends I want to be honest with you because this is on my heart and I want to be real and to share what God has done. We all have our Good Friday seasons. We have those times in life when it all seems bleak and our hearts are weary. I was struggling with divorce, single parenthood, being single and relationships, finances, and all that encompasses being hurt with betrayal of infidelity and a childhood that was emotionally abusive. I was violated beyond description. I wanted to die sometimes to be frank. I am a witness and case in point to the fact that with human eyes and a fallen heart we can sometimes lose the picture and feel hopeless. I was falling apart, losing my self in an ocean of agony, grief, pain, doubt, fear, regret, and “what ifs.”

The pain was real and deeper than ever before. It was the culmination of many things and many years. I had a skewed view of who God was, what He should be doing, and how life should turn out for me and how He should take care of my needs. I won’t go into tons of detail but I was at rock bottom. This meltdown came after I had just learned a powerful lesson about God’s grace but with the agony that was gripping me, grace or anything profitable wasn’t clear to me.

I had been to countless hours of Christian counseling and still nothing broke the spiral I was in over the complicated mess my life had been woven into partly my own doing and self deception, partly by my past and partly Satan’s plan.  I also did not understand the fellowship of the suffering of Christ in which my trials were to reveal my character so that each trial would mold and make me more like my master. It was a dark, dreary, disillusioned and depressing time for me. Then………… as I write this with tears of joy…more of my story later… let’s go back to the tomb for a moment before I tell the rest.

Two women approach the tomb to take spices. They didn’t expect what they were going to find even though Jesus had told them. Catch this! The Son of God told them verbally he was going to raise from the dead and they doubted, they were taking spices to embalm him forever. Thank you Lord, for the human element you made apparent in your Word so that I would know there are times we just don’t have enough faith. They didn’t expect to find the stone rolled away, they were spoken to by an angel that Jesus had risen and ran back to tell the news. The disciples were found mourning and didn’t believe it. They too, the very people who had walked with Him and seen the miracles, and had heard his words, they too doubted. It took time for it to sink in. How many times have I stayed in mourning when the good news was right before my eyes?

When the message gripped their hearts, and dear ones is has to grip our hearts, our heads can’t fathom it. THEN……THEY KNEW!!!! THEY KNEW!!!! HE’s ALIVE!!!! We are forgiven!!!!!!!!! All that he had said and all he had done was indeed real and was TRUTH. They were set free by THE WAY, THE TRUTH, THE LIFE. All the while as darkness was encompassing them, Jesus was working behind the scenes he had paid the debt we all owe for sin and cannot pay, he had conquered death so that we can live, and all so that I can be forgiven by his imputing righteousness on all who believe and will believe down through the ages. Christ living in me.

Ok, back to me. I have been through a very dark time as I described above, a time when I didn’t trust God enough for what He promised to do. I didn’t see God realistically or Biblically. I had no clue that all I was going through had a purpose. I started digging deeply into God’s WORD to see what was real and what was not. I started looking at God, my Father, for the first time in a way that was different. I don’t see God the same way I did in the days when I wanted him to endorse every prayer and make life all better.

Today, I truly know I am resurrected, restoration has begun in my heart and healing is taking place. Circumstances haven’t been greatly changed, I am still single, finances are still low as a matter of fact sometimes negative, and the past is truly and realistically what it is. But hallelujah my mind is being renewed, my sins are forgiven and my view of it all is different and what I have been through no longer has control of me. I can’t begin to tell you how deeply my being was hurt or how thankful I am for that valley of these last years.

The chains of it all have been released as I realize who and what I have in Christ. I couldn’t have learned that apart from the Holy Spirit teaching me in the Word. Praise the God of heaven and earth who will never leave us. Who us raised from the dead. Who was and is the true I AM.

Friend if you are going through a season or even a life of pain as I testify to you there is a day when you will realize this. God won’t change the past, but you can trust in faith that He is faithful with sustaining grace to know that whatever happens or has happened in this life is for a season and a reason.  The season may be whatever length it is but there is a far and better country. The reason might be to reveal your character so that you can see where you need to let go and let God control.  My peace and joy doesn’t come from my circumstances being miraculously changed for my good, but in knowing God, that He loves me, is with me, and will never leave me. His character is paramount to all the truth that He is.  He paid for me with His own Son’s life and is forever my Good Shepherd. Storms will come and go, winds will knock me down, but praise the One who is raised from the dead, praise be to the One who sent Him for my redemption.

Praise GOD for saving grace that has set me free to be at peace with God. I hunger daily for His Word and have found not reading it to be like neglecting my relationship with God, I sing praises to His name, (in Dallas traffic much to the laughter of cars around me.) I want to learn, grow and share with others the wonderful news of salvation. If that is all I do the rest of my life it will satisfy me. I want to reach out to those who are lost and share this Good News!

My life is in the hands of God. So, I leave you with this. If you do not have a personal relationship with God, I want to let you know I can tell you how or if you are going through a season of trials I stand with you in prayer and love as you embrace what God is teaching you. I want this post to glorify our LORD and humbly send it to you… KNOW THIS, RESURRECTION IS COMING!!! What a glorious thought. It may be in heaven but we have a day out there when all pain is gone and tears wiped from our eyes. I would love to hear your testimony or praise if you want to share.

Gal 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

2 Corinthians 5:15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.
16Wherefore henceforth know we no man after the flesh: yea, though we have known Christ after the flesh, yet now henceforth know we him no more.
17Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
18And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;
19To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.
20Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God.
21For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.

Wail On, Pit Dwellers

(Please note, I totally believe GOD wants to hear from us. I have been a pit dweller at times in my life this is written for a reminder to myself as well )

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! No one just wakes up with an emotionally burned out crippled and  crumbled  life. It takes time to get to any destination.  You might retort to me look at  Job and point a finger and say ah ha .. you have no clue what you are talking about.  Yes, Job is a person in the Bible who suffered greatly and we point to him often when we are in storms to try to get the courage to gut it out. I think we do ourselves a disservice doing that for several reasons because when we look at Job, we see the end of the story where GOD restored him. That keeps the focus on what we can get out of our brokeness rather than what it does to us in molding our character. We also need to look at Job’s life fully, not just that he suffered.  I am not talking about a person who is being tested in the way Job was. I am talking about when our circumstances are orchestrated by our own bad choices. Choices that have consequences that can not be restored. Don’t misunderstand me here, I am not saying God doesn’t restore. He promises to restore what the locust have eaten. I am saying the suffereing and  restoration Job had was not the kind I am speaking about. There is much to learn there but I am talking about when sin damages us.

  Our lives do not crumble overnight.  I woke up at 3:00 am with this thot in my head and decided it will be today’s blog. Where I am at today came through many tough water that were deep and challenging.   So this blog seems to be more or less dedicated to trading your sorrow for joy of the LORD.  My intent and purpose is to give folks a glimpse of what  I found elusive in many of my storms. Not that I can change anyone but that  the things that changed me were the WORD of GOD and soldiers in the body of Christ who shed their light at a time when darkness surrounded my soul as wave after wave of my journey collided with my faith. I just want to shed what light I have been given. 

 My life could have been much different if I had not have taken the trip I did to get where I am now. What if each moment in our lives we could have an instant replay. We surely wouldn’t get to the place where we are sitting broken and burned out if we could just replay those things that didn’t go as we hoped. Of course we  really can’t do that and if we could it would create disaster in our lives. By sheer human nature we would abuse such a gift. It’s a kind of winning the lottery pipe dream lets get back to reality.

One of the most sheep like qualities of Christians is our ability to depend on ourselves to be our own shepherd. We acknowledge GOD, even have a wealth of knowledge about Him but lack the ability on our own to stay out of the ditch.  In storms knowledge of GOD is useless without intimacy with Him. It’s like being all dressed up and no place to go. I lived that for many years. My knowledge was performance and fear based. The times I have been in the ditch were usually when I was steering the vehicle. We can’t just ask GOD to come along in our lives as we take on burdens He never intended we carry or as we try to orchstrate our way out of the storm or into a better place, or deny it’s complete existence. We know GOD, what His WORD teaches but we filter it by our lives and the parts we line up with we feel good about. The parts we don’t we dismiss or deny. It should be the other way around .

I know when I was deeply stuck in the mire, no one could talk to me. I was insistent that life  was going to work the way I had prayed.  Basically I am glad it didn’t in some cases. I was praying for my way and not God’s way.

The mire is so ugly.  If you have ever tried to walk in deep goopy mud you know what it’s like to try to pull one leg out, take a step, then pull the other leg out. It doesn’t take long before you tire completely. Spiritually, we create mire pits when we stop believing what God has said is true. When we do not watch His character to always keep His WORD and work in a way that is for our good.

We create a problem or make a huge mistake and the first thing that happens if we are not intimately walking is that our natural selves take over and rationalize how things can not work instead of seeing the beautiful plan God has to restore and renew our faith by transforming our mind.  We become a dead man walking so to speak. You will stink if you play with dead things but every believer has the Holy Spirit who is always ready and willing to walk you through the situation.  Psalms 40:1-3

 
1 I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

2 He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

3 And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.

I love this passage!!! Really let it sink into your heart that sitting on your spiritual hiney is not only keeping you stuck in mire, it’s also keeping people from seeing GOD at work and fearing and trusting Him. It’s not all about us.  LOOK! and see that HE takes you out of the pit and He establishes our steps. Whew the pressure is off of us and on to Him. We just have to just follow the Shepherd. 

 Now don’t get the idea you will just sit there and wait for God to show up. NO! You wait paitiently but wail on! Wait on it to be God that answers but cry out to Him. He will incline and lift you up and put you on a rock, a solid foundation. If you know anything at all about walking in mire it is this, you are on shaky ground getting dirty and sucked in feet first. Your life is not too burned, it’s not over, it’s not done if you call upon your Father to lift you out. Dear ones I need to see that in you and you need to see that in me. Let’s let GOD hear us and get us out of the pit that keeps us hidden from the lost and dying world.

Why Crash Dummies are Smarter than Humans

Yeah this title may sound silly but lets explore this notion. A crash dummy is made for one purpose, to see how it can withstand the impact of trauma. It isn’t meant to survive the impact but to be evaluated after the impact. If it survives that is not the issue. A crash dummy is put into a situation to tax all of its makeup. There is no implied protection or escape. If the entire dummy is destroyed,  the forces that destroyed it are examined or the structure that was supposed to protect it. The dummy really is just along for the ride. Every crash dummy has a purpose in essence. Never has a dummy stood up and said this is unfair, I can’t take this anymore, I am outta here! This is too hard, life isn’t fair, why can’t I change? Nope, one sole purpose of the crash dummy without deviation is to be put in harms way and evaluate the stressors that come against the dummy and the product being tested. Crash dummies take their role and play it out daily. Day in and day out, crash dummy families are put in a car that is smashed to smitherenes and the damage is evaluated …

So why are they smarter than humans, because humans are not made to be crash dummies but we take our lives and put them in wrecklessly into vehicles that test our very existence and ram us  right into the wall before us. We become crash dummies when we know God’s vision, HIS WORD, His great compassion but play fool hardy with the very grace He extended to us. We are not as smart as a crash dummy when we sit day in and day out thinking life is hard but all the while we are making the very choices that make it hard on ourselves. Life isn’t hard it’s impossible in our own strength. You can’t sit and say “I can’t change or I would have” without being a crash dummy. You become a sitting duck for depression, fear, doubt, lack of personhood whether man or woman. You can’t choose if GOD loves you but you can sure choose how you walk in that love. Medicating yourself with pity and wiping your tears with bitter regrets. Give me a break, crash dummies don’t even  do that. They are smarer than humans, they take the beating and also are in subject to the ones who are responsible to put them back into action. Even crash dummies have accountability so to speak outside of their own existence. the follow the will of the researchers. Daily there are people who are being led away captive by foolish people who are not serious about their own lives or the lives of others. Mark it down folks who sit hours joking never exercising or applying the WORD of GOD are themselves the pitiful joke.

How stinkingly foolish to know the goodness of GOD, His character, His attributes and to just simply say, my life will be hard from now on but I can’t change. You got that right. Just as a crash dummy can’t change and be a toaster or golf cart, you as a created being, drawn by GOD, can not change anything. You were created and fashioned for HIS glory and pleasure . You can live from disgrace to His grace. Crash dummies are created for disaster they know their role. You were created to glorify GOD for His pleasure. Who will have the last say in your life? Will you pretend to be Godly where you can hide yourself and your reality?  WAKE UP!!! This life is real, GOD real, don’t waste it and die from a life of isolation as if you have no choice. Will you just get into your spiritual vehicle and keep crashing into the wall or will you really live?

You can’t lie to a crash dummy. Crash dummies do not change their role because of anothers words.  Humans are gullible thinking they know how to manage their lives and deciding prohpetically that there’s no hope. We tell ourselves that life is hard, we self talk our way into negative thinking, and hopeless existence. That is why GOD said our heart is deceitful.

So, what does a human do to be smarter than a crash dummy? We take all the head knowledge we have about almighty GOD and stand on it until the stars fall. HE is trustworthy, He is true, HE can heal, He can restore, He can deliver, HE can save, He can love, He can make all things new, HE can be all that HE has promised. IF HE can’t do one of the above… HE’s a liar and we need to close shop there is no hope.

Do you hear what I am saying. I am not your momma, I am one who was crashing my life until I realized GOD’s WORD covered my guilt, sin, shame, and pain. Romans 8:1, Ps 40:1-3, Isaiah 61:1-3 Psalms 91, Psalms 139, I would have to list the whole Bible to make the point! Get real, stop blaming,stop crashing, stand up be GOD’s man and leave the consquences to HIM!

Law of Subtraction.

(Mom went to be with the LORD before I made it home again Nov 18th, 2010. Her last words to me were that she loved me over and over. I miss her dearly, her legacy to me was to love and be good to people. She was even taking searching the Scriptures the last week of her life to LOVE the LORD with all her heart and do what she could for Him) God help all who sit on spiritual hineys complaining life is hard. I reposted this  article which was written waiting to catch my plane back to Dallas Tx, March 21, 2009, to remind me not to waste my life on what might have been. GOD is my life and I am thankful for each beautiful day in my life experiencing HIM.

Subtracting the distractions and excuses from out of your life that subtract from you, in other words asking yourself a real question; what radical change do I need to make in my life that will position me where I need to be in Christ with those I love?
I was in a hurry to get to the airport to make my flight so I could hurry up and see my Mom before she passes away. There was a traffic jam because two other drivers in an obvious hurry slammed into each other. I made my flight and the stress of the traffic jam was totally unnecessary. As a matter of fact the entire rush of the weekend was totally unnecessary. We are so connected in this world but have no real connections. We have created a surface culture that stretches us from one extreme to another never offering substance, quality, and real relationships. You may stop here and think that this article is offering little substance. Well hang on a few more sentences and see if you identify.
I was looking at my Mom in the hospital bed. Here was a woman who was once your typical five foot two eyes of blue. My mom was a beautiful woman and my dad was handsome and stunning. Seeing her now at age seventy two was very hard. I knew other women at her age that were in much better shape. She was struggling to breathe without a machine to aid her breathing. She was trying to hang on to life as best she could but the hope of life as she had known it was gone. There would be no more days of walking unaided, without an oxygen tank, or without giving out more energy than she had to give. There would be no more steak dinners, movies, or simple sitting outside in the sun. Life had been subtracting from her days each and every time she was taking a labored breath the deficit became more alarmingly clear. Her arms were all bruised black and blue from veins blowing. A simple finger stick left her bleeding for over an hour. Her face was worn, tired, and merely stretching over her slight skeletal frame. It was hard to see. What I want to write about is my glimpse of the future. Growing old isn’t always kind to us. We get to the end of our days and pay in our bodies and minds for the days gone by. I hope and pray I learned from this preview that there are things that matter, chiefly among them living well.  Serving the LORD with your life!
The Law of Subtraction is merely that we need to subtract things that subtract from us as much as possible in our lives. Things that interfere with our walk and purpose in life, Christ life. We live at a staggering pace and once in a while we get a glimpse of reality. When a loved one is on their death bed we can learn from them what matters in this life. I can tell you it isn’t bank accounts, living status, or job recognition. No one on their death bed wants to get up and go trade more stocks, or be promoted one more time, or have just that one bigger house.
People near death talk about life surprisingly. They talk about those they love, good memories of times that might have been hard but are good. They regret the subtractions in life but do not talk about those.
I want to talk about them. I don’t want to sweep them under the rug. Let’s get them out and be real and honest with them. We are way beyond hypocritical here because we all know we “pretend” all is well when really all is not well and we are not well. We continually monitor all areas of our life and determine what is necessary and what is ok to let slide. Letting our spiritual wholeness slide has severe consequences. If it didn’t I wouldn’t be sitting in an airport on standby 30 hours to go back to a place I do not feel welcome to work in a city 1000 miles from my family and friends.
How do we slide spiritually? For me it was first and foremost all my fault. There is no one to blame but me. Let me say that clearly. I know people do the best they can but we use the “best we can” excuse for stupid reasons sometimes.
“ Well, I was just doing the best I could and I don’t know what more I can do, if you wanted perfection you should know I am not perfect.” Ugh, horrible excuse.  Really, we are doing the best we can? I firmly believe GOD loves us unconditionally, and that as His sheep he will see to it that this little lamb finds her way.
Yet to just say I am doing the best I can when really I should be saying I am doing nothing is how we slide. Doing nothing is stupid, because doing nothing is exactly what it sounds like. DOING NOTHING.
People say things like, my heart is broken and I am waiting on God to heal me one day so I can feel again. I am just destroyed right now so I know God understands why I just can’t deal with this. I have said those words!!!! I really meant them when I said them but I was so very wrong to think that way. I didn’t understand a lot that I know now though. Really can you imagine God is sitting in heaven healing you while you do nothing? Of course He can, but that would be really irresponsible on His part because that is not what His heart is for healing. The whole point of healing is to restore. If we are to just sit and do nothing, why did God go to all the trouble to spell out clearly in His Word that He wants to have an active even interactive relationship with us on an intimate level? If God waved a magic wand to each problem and made it all better what would we do? I will tell you what we would do. We would put expectations on God that would eventually lead to our disposing of the need for a relationship with him and change it to an addiction to Him based on our fleshly desires. Every time the fire gets a little hot we will just ask for our magic wand fix and suspend the suffering. We would never really get to know God because we would have our magic wand to provide for all our needs. Oh a few of us would be grateful but most would get the problem solved and move on to the next thing. Thank GOD for suffering and refining.
I am so glad God says in His Word to cry out to Him and to seek Him. What in your life is keeping you from Him and needs to be subtracted. We face this life from the vantage of victory not defeat. GOD has spoken on this clearly.
Psalm 34:19 A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;
Proverbs 2:7 He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless
Psalm 5:12 For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
Psalm 9:9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Psalm 16:11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 42:5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Proverbs 16:3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
Isaiah 30:18 Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Hebrews 10:24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
Lamentations 3:25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
Habakkuk 3:19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.
Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Colossians 4:5-6 Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Luke 10:19 I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 12:21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 15:5 May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus,
2 Corinthians 4:16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Phillipians 3:12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Phillipians 4:13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” 6So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”
James 4:10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Life in the fast lane with a GOD who is always on time.

Living in the fast lane with a GOD who is always on time We live in an age where everything is instant. The stress of an instant life spills over onto our relationship with GOD. Christianity is not something you do! Being busy for GOD is not as important as being busy WITH GOD. In my years as church pianist, high school teacher and cheerleading coach, mom to two active sports minded girls, score keeper for 2 teams, wife, seamstress, and when I had free time, (insanity I know) but when I had free time I loved to do things with family and friends. The thing is we wear ourselves out being busy for good that we Martha right into the fast lane and forget that we are in the presence of the LORD. I love the story where Martha is just busying herself taking care of and preparing for the meal to the point that she totally missed the Spiritual blessings in just being with Jesus. Luk 10:38 Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. Luk 10:39 And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word. Luk 10:40 But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me. Luk 10:41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: Luk 10:42 But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her. Now you can just see this. Here Martha said, he’s coming to my house and I will make a meal for Him. She sent a text to her sister Mary and said, “Guess whose coming to my house to dinner, get over here now” Mary came over and it doesn’t say in Scripture that she went and even asked if she could help. From all I read here she just plopped right down at Jesus’ feet and listened to what he had to say. Martha had of course wanted to make an impression to the point she was “cumbered” about much serving. She was putting on the hostess of the year crown and pouring it on thick for Jesus. Finally, she lost focus. Here she was asking her guest to intervene. Jesus answered her I think in a remarkable way. He said Martha you are worried and anxious about many things. Let’s stop there. How many times have you been so worried and anxious when someone shared the Word of GOD with you that you couldn’t even remember what they said? Martha’s troubles were probably far more than getting another round of food on the table. She only spoke of serving but Jesus said worried about many things. He knows our heart and knows our troubles. We need to sit at His feet and hear his words. He said that very thing to Martha. Mary has chosen the good part and you are not going to take that away from her, this is what she needs. Dear ones, we need to sit at the feet of Jesus, intimately draw close to Him by His Word, leading of the Holy Spirit, and fellowship of others who worship Him in Spirit and Truth.

Whatever it Takes

I used to sing a song called Whatever It Takes. I remember a man in my church saying to becareful because God might just do whatever it takes. Within a few years I was divorced facing life alone after 20 years. That being said let’s look at this idea. Some people say after a long bout with trials and temptation that they would not have had it any other way.

Ok, honestly I would have had it a different way. My family would have been whole and my girls would have never had their heart broken. I would have never had to relearn almost my entire existence. I would have been close to God in the first place. Not that everything that has happened to me is the product of divorce.

I know our Father had in mind so many things when He revealed so much to us in the Word. I could go on and on but I want to say this with all clarity. Apart from the Word of God where He expresses His desire for our lives intimately, you will never get out of the mire.

I say that because even though I would not have signed on for this chaos I also know after regrouping and banging my head on the wall there is only one way. God’s Way. I can try my way but it always leads to destruction. Not because I lack intelligence or the determination, but because my ways do not always draw me closer to the LORD. My ways are on a good day very inadequate compared to the ways of the LORD for my good and HIS glory.

Cliche as that might sound, I have the tears and heartache to back up that what I am saying. I have memories of people telling me what I am saying to you now. God’s Word is what will bring you to a place where the storm doesn’t overtake you. Now you might say I have read the Bible and I am still stuck. You might read the Bible as I did but there came a day when I read the Bible looking for God instead of looking for bandaids  and solutions to the problems I created. Hope this helps,time to go to bed. Nothing more to say. Test me on it.  GOD bless all

We weren’t meant to survive-huh?

I know it sounds misleading but hear me out. I was listening to a message this week and wanted to share some of the ideas that it prompted in my heart.  I always have side table discussion with myself when I hear something because I am evaluating things constantly. Here’s the thing. Why do we live and cling and cower when we are supposed to live an abundant life? Did Jesus die so we could just merely survive? Was he bruised for our transgressions so that we can just meagerly make it.  What I am saying is this, the joy of the Lord is my strength. Wait, joy equals strength? I thought if you were strong you would automatically have joy because strong folks do not get run over by life and do not struggle and fail. We have to be careful in defining strong. Sometimes it is an insult to people to think they are just strong. Every strong thing in the universe becomes strong by a stressor not by just being.

 Well that is the key strong folks don’t do those things but get this, they are not strong and then have joy, They have joy in the Lord which makes them strong. Something inside is driving them like a power plant giving them energy when things seem hopeless and giving them the last mile that folks always tell us we are supposed to go. Something inside gives them joy when life is not picture perfect. That power is Christ inside. It is revealed as this world challenges and has always challenged His existence. It’s a given that Christ in us is going to be challenged.

Women of strength and valor are that way because of the indwelling of Christ and the leading of the Holy Spirit. Lesson One in moving on.

Here’s a great question. Is there anything bigger in your mind than your pain, or your suffering, or your past, or your relationship with another? Are you getting me, if there is nothing in your life bigger than your problems, then your faith is misplaced. IF your mind wraps around your pain, suffering, and trials as you emotionally curl up and think nothing is ever going to change, then your faith is in your pain.

Trust the one who for the JOY set before Him endured the cross.  Joy of the end result of doing something bigger than his pain. You heard me it was joy leading the way to the cross for Jesus who not only is the author of our faith but the finisher as well.  It was a shameful endurance all the while joyful for HIM. Wow what an example the next time I am tempted to call whine one one.

Hebrews 12:2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Help I have been robbed by two thieves.

Help! I have been robbed.

 

For years anger and fear have robbed some folks of their life. The life Christ intended for them to have. It’s not always easy to define an angry person but some of the fruits left behind by anger are clear signs a person has let a root of anger foster in their lives. I have seen this in people and learned the hard way that if they don’t see it you really have a challenge on your hands to deal with them.
Fruits of anger and fear.

Resentment, bitterness, denial, confusion, selfishness, lost opportunities, insecurity, any of these can be the ruins left by anger. None of these are productive to have in our lives.

 

Webster defines anger as a feeling of extreme hostility; rage; intense emotional displeasure; aggressive reaction to wrongdoing or injustice.

 

The word anger conjures up a picture in our minds of a red-faced person blowing off steam in a loud manner.  This is sometimes how anger is displayed. Anger can be a wider range of internalized emotions that are not as hard to define and that are also dangerous.

 

Dangers of Anger. 1. Spoiled relationships 2. ruined character 3. poor testimony  4. distrust of others 5. ineffective witness 6. broken fellowship with God and man

 

Let’s look at a well known case of anger recorded in God’s Word. Genesis 4:1-16

 

 

I guess we can see that the lessons Adam and Eve learned about complete obedience from being cast out of Eden, were not evident in Cain’s life.  Let’s look a little more closely at Cain. He worked and wanted to give the fruit of his hands to God. He wanted to give the “works” that he had done in substitution of the required sacrifice by God. He wanted his way. Maybe this was pride or maybe stubbornness. Surely Adam made offerings during his life and Cain knew what God required.  

 

Before we get too righteous we can all identify with times we have thought so much of ourselves that we challenged God with our righteousness. Have you ever said, but LORD I was serving you and this happened to me? Have you ever been rejected after you have done your best and were angry?

 

Cain’s anger led him to the act of murdering his own brother. Anger can lead and keep us in places we never want to be. Many of us would never actually kill someone, but with a war of words we may wound and damage the people we love the most. We get so concerned with the injustice done to us that we attack everyone who seems to be a threat to our point of view. We go from being angry to declaring war.

Why do you think Cain smarted off to God. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” He was very wrapped up in Cain at the moment.

 

No doubt Cain was angry with himself too. He had killed his brother and was mad because he knew full well that God was possibly trying to get him to admit this act. Instead, he chose to snap back at God. Cain’s actions show an unrepentant heart. Have you ever wondered how this story would have ended if Cain had of repented of the murder and the sin of disobedience in offering the wrong sacrifice? How many times have we done something wrong and took it out on the people around us. Scary thought. Cain represents a person who has an expectation that is unrealistic. He represents a person who thinks he can control the outcome of a situation with his actions. I am sure as Cain brought his offering he had justified his actions in his heart.  So many times we justify our anger by actually placing blame. 

 

Often we wage war on everyone in our way when we are angry. We have gone overboard over killing the action of another with bitter words and hurtful treatment.  Sadly, we will act out toward a family member more quickly than anyone else.  Anger will foster the “I’ll get you back for this,” mentality. Once anger takes a strong hold in the way we deal with others we take out all the scriptural ways God wants us to handle things and wade through the situation on raw feelings. A key principle of this study is that our heart will lie to us. Feelings are deceptive!

 

 

Have you ever been angry and God softened your heart?

Can you remember a time when you were in full-blown rage and you calmed down before disaster struck? Of course I am sure you can remember when the volcano blew and those around you were left in ruins. I know I can. Bless everyone’s heart who had to deal with me.

 

Anger is an indicator of something wrong and takes advantage of us in that it makes us focus on our insecurities and fears. When we choose the path of anger we are like a ship without a sail. Any port is fair game. Unfortunately, our families suffer while we are drifting.  We suffer while we are steeped in anger. There’s good news.  There is so much here I could just take all of this apart and expound on it. I rather not though because I believe the Holy Spirit will speak to you in the verses below without my intervention. Open your heart and read them as food to the soul.

 

Ephesians 4

 ¹I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,  ²With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;  ³Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ⁴There is one body, and one Spirit, even as ye are called in one hope of your calling;  ⁵One Lord, one faith, one baptism,  ⁶One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.  ⁷But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ.

 ⁸Wherefore he saith, When he ascended up on high, he led captivity captive, and gave gifts unto men.  ⁹(Now that he ascended, what is it but that he also descended first into the lower parts of the earth?  ¹⁰He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things.)  ¹¹And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;  ¹²For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ:  ¹³Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:

 ¹⁴That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;  ¹⁵But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:  ¹⁶From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love.

 ¹⁷This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind,  ¹⁸Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart:

 ¹⁹Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness.  ²⁰But ye have not so learned Christ;

 ²¹If so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus:  ²²That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;  ²³And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;

 ²⁴And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.  ²⁵Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.  ²⁶Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:  ²⁷Neither give place to the devil.  ²⁸Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.

 ²⁹Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.  ³⁰And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.  ³¹Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:  ³²And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

 

 

Walking Wounded, living beyond

It was so innocent. She had been sent for to care for her brother who was not feeling well. Nothing indicates it was anything other than an act of love by a sister. She arrived there to serve and help but instead found life changing violence. Regardless of how she fought, her half brother raped her and she was then discarded and even hated by him. In her day to be raped was a shame and often victims were ostracized from society. No man would want her, she was now worthless and an offense to her family.  Here this young virgin had been violated and was secluded away in her other brother’s house to live desolate and hurt. Tamar was one of the walking wounded. Her pain was immense and there was nothing anyone could do to satisfy her wounded soul.  Absalom’s interference in the matter prevented the right lawful response. His advice was to not let it eat her heart out. He promised that he would avenge the rape but regardless of what he did, nothing would ease her troubled soul.  I do know the message today that people give rape victims today will not bring them to a place that will heal them.  Telling someone that it’s not their fault is not going to take away their hurt and shame. The world is not kind to rape victims, the first thing the world looks for is how you could have deserved or brought it on. God is always kind and loving and knows the truth. The world doesn’t have answers for such a deep disturbing wounding. Only GOD was and is the answer.

 Tons of well intentioned advice comes your way in situations like this, but here’s the crux of the matter. God is our healer. Only God is able to renew the mind, heal the broken hearted and set the captives free. Anything apart from God based advice is counterfeit and can do more harm and keep you longer in pain than you need to be. Whether it’s rape, divorce, brokenness of any kind, strongholds, wounds that come from others, I don’t care what the problem is the answer is God’s Word and a right relationship with Him.  There is no magic wand, no catch phrase or clichés just plain old understanding God’s  intention and purpose for us through intimacy with Christ and by leading of the Holy Spirit though His Word. 

  Well I am sure that sounds high and mighty and you might at this point feel turned off a little. I know I was there too once. I heard the words I just typed and thought, yeah right what do you know?  I do know because I have been wounded and have felt my heart rip from my body, torn to shreds and handed back to me to put back together when the person I trusted abused me. Hang on with me and see if you find anything that might help you focus.

 From all indications Tamar was never restored or renewed. This could be due to her attitude or her inability to be led by the Spirit I don’t know because I am not Tamar. She was violated and hurt beyond words with many questions that repeated in her mind daily. Sometimes life has more questions than answers.  Sometimes consequences of another’s actions are part of our pain.

  I can encourage you in many ways and quote tons of verses to do so. I can patch you up with Scripture and even help you feel good for a moment. What I am asking you to do is turn your pain over to Christ. It’s not yours to cling to and will hinder you in everything you want to do. It will wash over to every person who is trying to reach out to you right now. Do not let your pain become an idol and your new normal.

 Pain will be like the distraction that hindered Peter when walking on the water. Get out of the boat of your own pain, keep focused on Jesus, and walk. Peter had great faith to get out and walk on the water. His faith was even greater faith when sinking not to try to swim to shore but to look at the one holding HIM up.  Are you getting that? Peter didn’t flail and slash around in the water when he began to sink he called on the Master of the Sea who can speak to the waves and say peace be still. He didn’t fight not to drown he reached to GOD to continue walking. Dear Ones, reach to GOD continue walking on the water.

What words are you hanging on to get this far into this post? When Jesus died on the cross He took, and was willing to take, not only your sin but the sins of others committed against you. If asked He would forgive those who violated you. That was so hard for me to understand, but when I did grasp it, I realized the overwhelming, powerful, great love HE has for us. His love is a love that does not violate and is safe and secure. Love that can keep my mind and heart sound when things around me are falling apart or chaotic can only come from one who can truly avenge the sin of this world.

Jesus repeated these words from Isaiah in Luke 4 of the New Testament. I want you to read them and take in what GOD is saying here.  Imagine if you will GOD who created the universe taking the mess, turmoil, things destroyed and ravaged by the world, your ashes and working in your life to do what is promised here.  Only the Creator can plant you as a tree of righteousness. That is what happened to my life. I traded my sorrows for the joy of the LORD as I let HIM bind my wounds and set me free.

Isa 61:1  The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

Isa 61:2  To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

Isa 61:3  To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified

Your life is GOD’s beauty as HE is glorified in who you become in HIM.

You can’t make God feel bad about you

I was listening to a message and this phrase came up.  “You can’t make God feel bad about you” The message was on the Lord bearing our burdens. Now I have many times in my life looked around as some of you and wondered where is GOD? There is a song “ You can’t ask too much of my God.” Beth Moore says often “tell God he can take it!” Well……………………….. lets put all that into this evenings post.

Sometimes in the midst of a huge struggle we think NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE!!! Now a few months down the road life takes turns and poof  things change and you wonder if you will ever feel something that resembles normal again.

You look around and see all the destruction and feel as if a small nuclear bomb of the soul has gone off. You wonder  if you will see past your hurt and tears to know and feel something other than empty pain.  You wonder if you will keep the cycle going that has brought you full circle to where you vowed you would never been again. I have been in those places and the new turn in my blog is me digging out from the rubble.  Rubble? Yeah, I have messed up some things, I have made mistakes and like it or not mistakes have consequences. Once they are out of the box all you feel that you can do is damage control. Damage control leads to  covering up and denial but a real life assessments are necessary and reality checks in order. David was a heart searcher. He was a man after God’s heart but he too suffered under the world’s system. No wonder God said our hearts are deceitful and wicked. It’s the tricks that we play on ourselves that deceive us from the inside the most.

So lets look at life. Is life based on what I feel or what the truth is? Well anyone honest would say it’s based on the truth.  What is the truth? God is truth. Should I expect to find life outside that fact. Nope, but ah that is where I get into trouble. My filters are not truth based they are created by me and everything that happens without God’s truth gets filtered in a way that is flawed. That creates havoc on my inside and a facade on the outside. I can’t get away with that long without a melt down. Basically, I am a “one God gal” I come running back to my Father with my bruised knees.  I can’t live very long in darkness or shaded truth. I am not talking about legalism and I don’t like folks throwing that word around as if digging for excuses. There is no such thing as legalism to the believer. God’s truth is the standard and labeling His sometimes hard word to us as legalism is a cop out. Truth is Truth.  Grace is the undeniable expression of God’s love toward us. If you were to sum up the total bridge that Jesus provides us to God it would be girded with truth and covered with grace.  Ah, what a Savior, what a great and mighty God who loves us so. What an infinite well of water that we never thirst again.

My truth filters often are not subject to God’s truth as much as I would like for them too. I can justify just about anything if I am prideful and stubborn. That is why reading the WORD of God is paramount to understanding our Maker and Creator. My ways are foolish but His ways are noble. Even when I fail, my holy Father loves me, never leaves me, isn’t surprised, and doesn’t feel bad about me. He will not love me less. All praise belongs to him

Cross Bearing, ME?

What does take up HIS cross mean?

 His is a personal pronoun, might the cross be different for different believers? If this is the case then we better be sure to not envy those who have crosses that we think are lighter than ours. Sometimes the body of Christ gets out of focus. I can look at someone’s lighter cross several ways. I may be stronger than them and can take more, or more likely I have a misconception about what they are really going through. Pride and arrogance can sometimes take the cross out of focus. It may be that I am looking at it through my pain. Regardless I have MY cross to bear and it’s my job to bear it resulting in intimacy with Christ that is mine individually.

 

 

Will people who generally reject us take our lives? Not likely, we just feel dejected. They have only the power we give them. Our flesh will make us react to them in ways that are not at all in keeping with what Christ desires for us. We have to forget selfish attitudes where rejection is concerned. No one person will ever be able to meet all our needs or validate us enough to satisfy the flesh.

 

Is there any help? Yes, your identity in Christ to the rescue. Who you are when Christ is your life.

 

Colossians 3:1-16

 1If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God.  2Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. ³For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.  4When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. 5Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: ⁶For which things’ sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience: ⁷In the which ye also walked some time, when ye lived in them.  8But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. ⁹Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; ¹⁰And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him:¹¹Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all. ¹²Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; ¹³Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. ¹⁴And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. ¹⁵And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.  16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.

VS 2 Keep your heart on kingdom things. This may seem like the kind of advice that we have a pat rebuttal of (but you don’t know my circumstances.)  Actually. there is no latitude here. It is a take or leave proposition.  Take it and you will have a daily walk that Christ intended for you. Leave it and you will always live in fear, doubt, insecurity, and worst of all in an insatiable flesh that will rob you of your peace and joy. Because you are part of the new life that Christ rose from the dead to give you where should your focus be?

 

VS 1 The word “if” can also be replaced with the word “because.”

 

Vs 7 Who are qualified to take this path in life?

 

 

 

*****Thought: Is it a rejection of Christ to think otherwise?  *******

 

Vs 4 How do we want to appear with Christ when he comes back for us?

 VS 5 Daily put on the new man

Mortify means to put to death.  Things listed here are fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Matthew Henry’s commentary summarizes this section in a way that is very enlightening and far more applicable than I could.

 

Partial quote from Matthew Henry 

 

“an inordinate love of present good and outward enjoyments, which proceeds from too high a value in the mind, puts upon too eager a pursuit, hinders the proper use and enjoyment of them, and creates anxious fear and immoderate sorrow for the loss of them. Observe, Covetousness is spiritual idolatry: it is the giving of that love and regard to worldly wealth which are due to God only, and carries a greater degree of malignity in it, and is more highly provoking to God, than is commonly thought. And it is very observable that among all the instances of sin which good men are recorded in the scripture to have fallen into (and there is scarcely any but some or other, in one or other part of their life, have fallen into) there is no instance in all the scripture of any good man charged with covetousness.”

 

We over value many things in life especially the relationships we have with loved ones. They are important but the power they gain in our lives is not in keeping with having Jesus first. That causes distraction from Him.  The rest of the chapter  in Colossians gives practical helps to daily putting on the new man. I challenge you to list them.

 

List the things we are to get rid of in our lives. Do any look familiar? Remember that “getting rid of” is killing off. Don’t resurrect the dead! Let this soak in and have fun with seeing yourself a whole new way-His LIFE.

Listen to the Rain, wash away.

Well the power is off and I am going to start this post with about 45 minutes of battery left. It seems GOD had different plans for my life tonight than I had planned. I am sitting alone in the dark. There are three candles burning but the light is very dull. Funny the light from my laptop is bright and my typing here doesn’t seem any different than usual. Yikes, that tells me something. I get here bog in and barely notice whether the lights are on or not around me. Ok, since it is so quiet I realize how much I tune out the world with this thing in my hands. Next observation, I can hear the rain. Usually I love to hear nature all around me but tonight I actually hear the roar of the thunder and the steady beat of the rain outside. I can hear the wind whipping through the trees. If one hits this house I wonder how long it would be before someone finds my lifeless body lol. (added my own drama) … The peace is so serene though even in the storm out there. I enjoy taking it all in. Ty LORD for this little stop in the road to be reminded of your glory even in things I take for granted. That brings me to a place in the road. Taking God for granted. You know, I love the LORD and have grown so much these past 3 years but I still have to be aware that it’s a daily journey. It’s not Deb on autopilot. I have grown into many things but still have to count on the grace of God daily. There are times I have to repent, times I have to grieve, times I have to restore and be restored. There are hard times when a friend tells me truth in love and I don’t want to hear it and times I myself have to speak the same to them. It’s a normal Christian life, ups and downs , ins and outs, seasons coming and going like the storms and the weather patterns. Today is much different than any other day. Why? Not because I have arrived or have infinite wisdom. I am becoming wise but acknowledge it’s a process and some final healing may take place on the other side of glory. Either way I am progressing, growing, loving life out loud, happy, free, and hope to embrace the new mercies of GOD daily as promised in HIS WORD. Especially those harder times when HE sees fit to take me through the valley, walking beside me so that I can see HE is my Shepherd and I shall not want. I am thankful that GOD sees fit to be stable, the same yesterday, and today, and forever. I am tremendously thankful that he treats each of us individually, as shown in how he dealt with folks in the Bible. What variety and surprise and anticipation we can have knowing that GOD is going to by His own divine appointment reach into our lives and fashion things for our good and HIS glory. That leads you to be careful in defining good and glory. I didn’t say it would feel good I said it would be good for you. Sometimes restoration is painful kind of like a shot at the physician. They are necessary but all the while still painful. Then there is HIS glory, we have an imaginative God who is able to use foolish things to confound the wise. How He might redeem what the locust have eaten could be so different than what you might expect. Expect with anticipation that HE will though. As I finish this last paragraph the power came on. This storm brought me a moment of peace to reflect, to rejoice in exactly what a mighty loving Father we serve. Take time to realize where you are and how deep the love of Christ is for you today. Listen to the rain, let it wash you away.

Pitching an ancient hissy fit. (nothing ever changes)

King Nebuchadnezzar was one walking talking self centered man. He has made an image to honor himself and was very indignant that anyone would refuse his command. In essence he just couldn’t believe anyone could refuse him. What pride he had. He offered three Hebrew children who had refused to bow another chance. They refused and had this wonderful answer. They basically answered that they didn’t even have to think about it. They were not going to bow whether God spare their lives or not. How many times do we bargain in our anger for an outcome? How much happier we would be if we could just trust God with the future. I am sure the king thought face to face these boys would back down. They were sure of God’s control of the situation and trusted him with the outcome. They knew one great fact, whatever happens you come out best if you chose God’s way in the final analysis. 

Well it wasn’t long before the King got word Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were not going to bow. His face literally fumed with anger and it was one sure predictable outcome, rage.  Often we wage war on everyone in our way when we are angry. The king went off the deep end. He had the furnace heated seven times hotter as if that would burn more. How irrational, fire burns flesh period. It appears he wanted the punishment to equal the anger he had in his heart. We have gone overboard over killing the action of another with bitter words and hurtful treatment. Sadly, we will act out toward a family member more quickly than anyone else.

Anger will foster revenge and that is possibly what Nebuchadnezzar might have been thinking. The “I’ll get you back for this,” mentality.

Once anger takes a strong hold in the way we deal with others, we take out all the scriptural ways God wants us to handle things and wade through the situation on raw feelings. Anger makes us an obstacle and a new facet to the problem. Now instead of one offense we have two.

A key principle of this study is that our heart will lie to us. Feelings are deceptive!  Imagine the scene, eyes glued on the three boys. They are thrown into a furnace that is so hot the men who tossed them are fried. Then, 3 boys are walking around in the fire but not alone. Here’s a thought provoking question, how did the king recognize the Son of God since He hadn’t been born yet? Have you ever been angry and God softened your heart? As quickly as the king became enraged he also calmed down. The power of God in taking care of the boys had basically been a wake up call to him. I am not sure if his actions were out of fear or respect.

Can you remember a time when you were in full-blown rage and you calmed down before disaster struck? Of course I am sure you can remember when the volcano blew and those around you were left in ruins. I know I can. Bless everyone’s heart who had to deal with me. Anger takes advantage of us in that it makes us focus on our insecurities and fears. When we choose the path of anger we are like a ship without a sail. Any port is fair game. Unfortunately, our families suffer while we are drifting.

My All In All

 

         

  When I first was saved years ago I was taken in to a family that basically exchanged my broken family for a new one. I did not understand Christ living in me and I wanted to be saved for a reason that was not only about salvation but about family.  I wanted the love people seemed to have among God’s people. I wanted a God who would love me and make all my hurt go away. I was so hungry for that I ached inside. It was great at first, but you can imagine the hurt that came with that notion which is a very faulty perception of the family of God.  I remember praying and asking GOD into my life to be my Lord and Savior. I prayed that because that was what I was told to pray.  I had no real deep clue what that meant. I spent the next two decades trying to please a GOD who didn’t seem to understand me or seem to love me. I was wrong about that but I didn’t know it.

What a cruel joke I thought had been played out on me. Here I had gotten saved and my Dad was still an emotionally distant alcoholic. My mom was still weak in my eyes at that time,  suicidal and my brother was beginning to indulge in drugs. Nothing was fixed!!! I didn’t understand. Everyone talked about how wonderful this life would be.  Where was wonderful? I then started developing in my mind that I must be doing it wrong. I watched others who seemed to have no problems and tried to copy them.

 I wrote notes during the sermons and tried my best to do what was preached. Still nothing was getting better. I went off to PCC thinking Bible College would straighten out what I was missing, still more of the same. Misery, rejection, distance, God where are you?  I met and married someone in Bible College who was supposedly my white knight. He was going to be a preacher and seemed to love the Lord. He turned out to be a carbon copy of my distant dad with a porn addiction. It took 20 years for me to stop trying to fix him. I did everything I could do and went to every how to be a good wife meeting I could go to yet no change in him. Praise God there was a change beginning to take place in me. I was not able to see his true person or strong enough to kick him out, but an affair on his part caused me to finally get that courage, I divorced him.  His betrayal was the most significant event in my life aside from salvation and my children’s births.  It wasn’t significant  because of how much it hurt, because it did hurt like crazy but because of what it started in my life.

Early after my divorce I began to chat on yahoo. I was the most hurt I had been in my life and the most confused and vulnerable.  I felt that Christianity worked for people GOD loved and I was not one of those. Ironically, I still wanted people to know him. I would say that chat was one of the most damaging things I did to myself but I didn’t know it at the time. It filled the hurt like salve to a burn but the minute you were offline you were alone again.   I was far too naïve to chat with folks who were from almost another world that was foreign to me. I can’t believe how stupid I was about people, relationships, and the games people play. I met people who were wolves waiting for their next prey. You can’t go to even Christian chat and meet a God need. 

 I was desperately trying to stop the bleeding from open wounds of a life- long rejection and shattered dreams.   This is where it gets touchy. I would love to make amends and have a do over. I would love to reconcile with some folks I hurt, to undo some of the experiences I have had and learned the hard way. I am sure I simply can’t change the past. I can’t dismiss the hurt of others, but this is where it becomes even more hard to say but necessary. Please HEAR this!

 I am crucified with Christ and all of those hurts I caused are crucified with HIM on the cross.  I have said how sorry I am to folks and I have to leave it at the person’s feet to forgive me or not and also at the throne of Grace where I am forgiven and my sins remembered no more. I still face some of the aftermath of my early healing after divorce, in lost time with the girls, lost love, hurt feelings but that I will deal with head on by God’s grace each day I am given breath and life.  I will leave that at the throne of Grace for the Lord to restore as He is willing.

That is where my life picks up today. I was taught a lot of bad religion and never taught about relationship. I don’t know how many times I have said, “it’s about relationship not religion” when I no more had a clue either.  I was taught works salvation even though I was taught eternal security. The work was that you are blessed if you please GOD and not blessed if you don’t. What a shameful condemning way to live.  

The very best part of my story is where I am now. I am totally in love with and totally crazy about God, who He is, His Word, and His pleasure to be my Father and accept me in the gift of His Son.  I have grown up to know that GOD is sovereign, holy, patient, loving, and just. I could name other characteristics and many come to mind.  

The depths of God, the riches of His Word are life and breath to me. I am totally into knowing Him and in that knowing, I might feel lonely and even ache for human companionship but I know at the end of the day when the pen is put down, I am not alone.  I am not trying to sell you on where I am or who I am.

 I have more to learn and growing to do. I am trying to say that if GOD can lead me beside still waters and restore my soul…….. He can do it for anyone. I was a prideful, entitled, stubborn prodigal who was bent on doing it my way because of lack of trust of the almighty GOD of the universe who is and was and will be forever and ever.  

Beloved, turn to Him, cry out and seek Him while He may be found. He will love you and walk with you. I am not saying it will be a rosey posey life.  I am saying you can have peace in the storm. You can be forgiven. Nothing is too much for my GOD.

Ephesians 5:8-11
8For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light:

9(For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth;)

10Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord.

11And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.

Upcoming Post

Watch for upcoming post.

1.We’ve only just begun to live

2. Living in the fast lane with a GOD who is always on time

3. Has anyone seen my car keys

4. Be the Body

5. Let your love show

Don’t take the easy way out

This is probably for me more than anyone but here goes. We are living in hard and even harsh times. Sometimes the only good thing we know is that God is in control regardless of how it seems or feels to us. For myself, being in Dallas has been a necessary wilderness. I can’t begin to verbalize how hard and lonely life is here sometimes. Being away from my girls, yet being alone with God alot is sharpening me. There are still days it’s just painful though. I know I am before a great change coming in my life and sense GOD leading me but I am still not clear what will open up. There are some wise things I have learned no matter what wilderness I am in. One of the things I feel led to say is to be careful.

 Sometimes we say or do things under high levels of stress we would not do in normal circumstances. I know when stressed I have made some of the worst decisions of my life. If a loved one is stressing you, a marriage, a job situation, the challenge of being lonely, whatever is stressing you, just be still and know that He is God. We always feel as if we have to fix or do something and I am not proporting doing nothing at all, but I am saying, wisdom seems to be a slow steady traveler not a sprinter. Hasty, pain easing decisions often lead to consequences that cost more than the problem in and of itself.

 We all want to ease our suffering, but allow it to work for your benefit instead of against you. Understand your GOD is a loving Father who even allowed His Son to learn obedience through His own suffering. The molding process is working on your behalf to make you more like His Son. I would that my words would convey this to you DO not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to GOD Phil 4:6. I remember turning in papers to my teacher and leaving them on her desk. Never once did I think to take a paper off her desk and do more to it or try to change it. It was hers once it hit her in box. What was done was done and the grade would be given. Our prayers are somewhat like that, with the exception that GOD sees them through the filter of Christ finished work which was complete.

Leave your prayers with GOD, rest, trust, have faith HE will measure out to you what is best for you. Thank Him even for the hard days that teach you to trust Him more. GOD bless you all! and I would appreciate prayers of any leading you might feel.

Healthy Things Grow

Reposted from 2008

I have been learning and growning in the Lord. It’s amazing how my past has come full circle. I would love to say that I have been on a perfect journey that has always walked toward the Lord but that would be a lie. I lived 13 years of my life in legalism that I thought would save my marriage and keep my family from harm. When I divorced, which was to me a death sentence I found myself lost in the law of God. I didn’t know how to move forward and sumarily heal when I was expected to just get over it by those who keep check list and score with the law of God. Being alone for the first time in my life set things in motion that I had never experienced. First being my determination refrain from bitterness. I remember a conscious thought that if I became bitter I would sink into a mire I could not escape. I would not grow past the pain. It was some of the hardest days I experienced and all that I could do daily to resist the oppression of my situation. Even today with my ex neglecting the needs of his children financially and with my shouldering all of the burden of helping them get on the road to adulthood, I have moments I am angry more than I like to admit. Second I remember being overwhelmed. I didn’t understand the concept that I wasn’t protected from pain because I had served God. The third I think I was the hardest and that was the reality of it all.

What a long road I traveled. I had to learn of the sufficiency of Christ and who I was in Him. I had to understand a new Grace that I hadn’t been taught before because the grace I was taught was unmerited favor with God but it was buried beneath so many laws that you felt a thimble of it once in a while. It wasn’t what God intended for me to know.

I remember feeling free for the first time in the Lord to know the liberty of Christ. I remember the first time I reckoned myself to be found wanting in knowledge of God but also holiness of my own character. I know that well of life springing up in me is still being filled but I never before understood the grace of God in light of my life in Christ.

Divorce was not in my life plan, but when it happened God didn’t say “oh no now what will we do?” It has take me almost five years to be in this place of uncertainty but decidedly committed to press on. Discontent? Well my life isn’t settled and rosey yet. It might well never be. I would never promise anyone that life in Christ is picturesque.

There are decisions to make about my future that I have to settle daily. There are lessons to be learned to continue to grow in the Lord. The hurdle of loneliness is still a constant friend and sometimes ardent enemy. This one thing I know, God’s Word is forever settled in heaven and I will follow its precepts and grow to know Him more each day. That is something I can say that I aspire to and that I also know is as necessary as air.

There has been some progress and I would love to report that five years later God has restored my life to new heights but that just isn’t so. Not because God can’t do it but because the integral part of the equation, ME, has not always been a willing participant in obedience as I should. Yes, I have slowed down some processes that should be in place. I am sure I should be more healed and more mature, yet this is the precious beauty of God. Right where I am in life right now I can grow toward that restoration.

I don’t want to lie or paint pretty pictures, I want to be real and to say what is real. The real truth is Healthy Things GROW. If you are not moving forward or are not growing, there is a stronghold exalted above the knowledge of God in your life. For me it was my own pain. I hope you are honest with yourself. It was painful but so freeing for me to admit not only that I had a problem but that I was the problem.

I am excited about the future because of the solid basis I have to stand firm in the Lord’s grace and mercy and allow myself to be molded by the potter.

God bless and be a light.

Stumbling in the Darkness

Lost at Gettysburg
I was talking on the phone to a loved one who was visiting Gettysburg and as darkness was ensuing he became lost on one side of the battleground and was struggling to find his way out. I remember hearing his struggle in the thorns and tripping over the uncertain terrain. Each time he stumbled or struggled I gasped in care and concern for his safety. It was a frantic time and of course as cell phones all do the battery began to fail. Now I was concerned me as to how he would even call for help. He finally got out of the woods and had to walk quite a way from where he parked or started his journey. Today I was reading God’s Word and it occurred to me that his experience  of being lost in the woods paralleled my life. Praise the LORD for the light of Christ in us to show us the way. Praise the LORD for all that he is, was, and will be. Lord willing tomorrow will be a day of light and clearer paths of forgiveness and grace. He promises to be a lamp unto our feet (where we are right now) and a light unto out path (where we are headed in the future)
Jeremiah 13:16 -17 reminds me of the darkness I once lived in
16 Give glory to Jehovah your God, before he cause darkness, and before your feet stumble upon the dark mountains, and, while ye look for light, he turn it into the shadow of death, and make it gross darkness. 17 But if ye will not hear it, my soul shall weep in secret for your pride; and mine eye shall weep sore, and run down with tears, because Jehovah’s flock is taken captive.

That’s the key phrase “once I stumbled” so terribly in the thorns and uneven ground. I tripped and fell in the darkness and couldn’t see. My pride kept me from being free. I was taken captive and forced to stumble when I could have been soaring with the eagles by my own foolishness.  Every circumstance grabbed my heart and attention.

 Dear one the heart of GOD does not want us stumbling in life. We are going to be tried and tested but not on shaky ground. We are on a firm foundation whose builder and maker is GOD. We can be stubborn lambs and try to lead our own way but the price is peace when you live that way. Seek Him with your heart and come out of the darkness to His light where your foot will be sure and your heart will be safe. Trust the one who died for you. Christ.
Proverbs 3:26 For Jehovah will be thy confidence, And will keep thy foot from being taken.

Rats in my Car!

I have to tell you a quick story. A few weeks ago,  I went to my car for lunch as I do each day. It’s a great time alone with the LordJ ……. It was hot enough that I wanted to turn on the air to cool the car down before turning it off. The blower motor made a horrible noise, sounded like a washing machine out of balance. I thought aaack blown bearing. I turned it off and after work I rode home with no air. Funny the little things we forget to be grateful for.

 

When I got home I called mechanics who wanted around 250 for pulling and installing a new motor. I couldn’t do that because I didn’t have the money and because I always try to fix things first before spending that kind of money.

 

So in the evening I went to pull the motor myself. I got the motor down and it was hanging by its connections, probably should have disconnected them first. I saw a little fuzz between one of the squirrel cage blades. I pulled on it and out came a leg. I screamed aaaaaaaaaaack. Then after what looked like an end zone celebration dance to the neighbors Mr. Mouse  was out. Poor thing he had been beat to death. That was probably not a fair and just sentence for eating through the leaf guard above the motor.

 

I am reminded that Eve ate Adam out of house and home and brought death upon the world.  (that was a random thought lol )

 

 

My little adventure is over and I have only to replace the screen with some ¼ wire mesh. Thank you Lord!

 

Guess my little heart thinks about things even rats. That little fellow made his way through a maze of dark vents to finally get to the end of the road. Instead of seeing the mesh as a roadblock he ate right through it to his death. How many times have we persisted the same way? Instead of turning back to where it was right with GOD and safe in the Father’s care we plow through to our own way to be wounded even destroyed by wrong things.

 

Just a thot. I have been there.

X Marks the Spot

I was on my way to work  and I dove off of Woodall Rogers freeway to avoid slow rush. I proceeded to take the route President Kennedy took down Elm Street. I have been to the Plaza several times and it’s an interesting place. The fellow who consulted on the Oliver Stone movie is often there selling books. There is an Elvis impersonator there who used to be a Baptist preacher. There is also a crippled guy there who is part of the entourage. I have talked to all of them at one time or another and tried to talk  about my relationship with God.

When you approach the landmark you are bombarded with people who meet you to shed their knowledge of the event with ins and outs you do not hear in mainstream accounts, of course they have a $5 magazine to sell to support their 6 to sometimes 12 kids with. They seem to have inside information and a willingness to just expound on the inside scoop. All of which no one knows but is printed in their magazine.

When you drive through the Plaza there are markings on the street. There is a big white X marking the location of the car when the fatal bullet hit Kennedy. There are orange markings where other shots hit the street and bridge. The entire scene is the same with the exception of a sign directing you to the freeway. All that being said, before I got to the place where I knew the X was I thought. Hmmmm Prior to this point the President of the United States was alive. When I passed the X  mark I thought, and……….. he wasn’t alive after this moment.

This isn’t monumental and is almost a duh. If you ponder it you understand this though. We circumvent the sting of death because of the cross. There is a whole lot of living from point A to point B. I have had a whole lot of living. I am amazed I did survive. What I thought would kill me didn’t. What seemed like the end was a new beginning. As I passed that X mark I thought how many plans the President must have had. Meetings that never would take place. Presidential orders he would never sign, bills he would never pay, day in and day out necessities of life and day in and day out responsibilities that take our energy and attention. How much of it is really necessary?

Then I thought……sunsets he would never see, children’s laughter he would not hear, the pleasure of a cool drink on a hot day. We really get busy on the non essentials for the sake of the wonder of life. How many times does life get in the way of living. I have come to the conclusion that life is too short to strive and survive rather than serve and sing.

Please pray for me as I grow and consider this there is a day out there Lord willing if he doesn’t return that we are done in this life. I am truly ready to embrace my latter days doing things that are more Deb friendly. I don’t want to waste any time passing up the enjoyment of what God has planned for me. I had someone tell me that God may have planned for me to suffer…… hmmm jury still out there….  I can’t believe Jesus would die so I could be miserable…… I know some things happen to mold me and frame my being and gladly welcome anything that helps me that way.

Today when you see an X anywhere…. Remember how fleeting life is and this journey here we only get one shot at. Pray and ask God to show you how to live the life he gave you..

Psalms 39   ** smile I think of Psalms as David’s Blog**

⁴ “Show me, O LORD, my life’s end
       and the number of my days;
       let me know how fleeting is my life.

 ⁵ You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
       the span of my years is as nothing before you.
       Each man’s life is but a breath.
       Selah

 ⁶ Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro:
       He bustles about, but only in vain;
       he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it.

 ⁷ “But now, Lord, what do I look for?
       My hope is in you.

Forgiveness, I thought I knew what it was…

I thought I knew what forgiveness was….until………

I had always been taught to forgive others as Christ has forgiven you. Easy enough? Boy, I was ever deceived!  Forgiveness isn’t always easy or the outcome. I had never been so challenged as I was recently when I wrote a letter of repentance to someone that I had hurt and who had hurt me. We both really did in a very serious way hurt each other. I am not talking about light offenses. I did not really bring up their hurts against me and just asked them to forgive me for my sins against them.  It was a lengthy letter trying to be honest and cover everything.  I really wanted them to know how sorry I was.

Yes, when we violate or harm another person in a disrespectful way it is a sin against them and it is a sin against GOD.  I had already talked to my Father in Heaven about it and come clean with my sin.  Praise the LORD that He does forgive.

I wrote this letter asking forgiveness and I am not sure what I thought would happen but it must have been much different from what did happen.   
My prayer was that Christ in me would come through in my words to restore what I had so badly damaged. I just knew it was something I had to face and amend but I did expect a Godly response because they are a believer.   I was surprised that not only had my letter been perceived in a way that the other person placed the blame on me but also that they took no responsibility for hurting me. They wished me well at the end of their response but respond to others regarding me in a way that is not truthful and even mockery. Ouch!  

Flesh, pride, self, all rear their ugly head when we are mocked.  Avoid the trap of allowing another person’s disobedience to be a stumbling block to you. There will be more about that in a future  article. The bottom line is once  you have asked forgivenes and made whatever restoration you can, they are responsible to God about the matter now, and I do pray for them daily. My heart hurts for them.  There must be something going on there that needs healing deeper than my saying I am sorry. God and your offender or the one you offend will need to work through it. 

This event sparked my desire to know GOD’s heart for the matter. I was hurt by the response and subsequent mockery. After a bout with bitterness in my life which distracted me from the Lord in the past, I wanted to make sure I didn’t fall into that trap.  I also wanted to be sure that I had handled asking forgiveness the right way. I felt a deep sense of responsibility to this person because I loved them regardless of all that has happened. It was very uncomfortable to face my offenses and admit to them.  The most important thing is the other person in forgiveness, but the result is you find freedom in seeing the truth of some matters and dealing with them.

That leaves us with one choice, to see what GOD says about the matter and examine our heart and die to whatever this brings up. Small order and huge task!!  Oh, my flesh wants to cry for justice, but my heart knows God’s will is that we glorify Him and that what comes into our lives is to molds us into His image even if it is those who offend us.  We can’t do that if we do not handle these issues the right way.   Lord, help me to continue to learn this. Amen.

There is an inequality in human forgiveness. We might say we have forgiven people when we really don’t.  We might ask for forgiveness just because it is the right thing to do and we are not really repentant. So what does the Bible say about forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a supernatural response to an injustice. It is not being a doormat and does not absolve the person of God’s justice.  They are still accountable to God for their actions and reactions.  It is a choice and act of the will, not a feeling.  We offer forgiveness even if it is never received.  It is unconditional and a mandate from God who is our perfect example of forgiveness.  Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32, James 4:17, Matthew 5:23-24

Col 3:13	bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you
Eph 4:32	Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
Matt 5:23-24	“Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you.
	leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

 Forgiveness can’t be neglected in light of the Bible, but what do you do when you are so horribly offended? 

James 4:17

Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin

 Well it is clear God’s desire for us is to forgive. Your heart is broken, you are sometimes confused even not sure of why the person hurt you. Do you have a right to hold that against them?  You have said you are sorry and they won’t forgive you . They misrepresent the facts and events. All of these get tangled in our  relationships and we sometimes can’t untangle them all when  another is not in agreement with us about the matter.

We can only look at the Bible and see that God’s heart for us is to be free, to worship Him in Spirit and Truth, and to not let bitterness settle into our lives as well as overcoming evil with good.  Again, tall order.

Heb 12:15	See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;
John 4:24	“God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”

 

Rom 12:14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.

 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

 16 Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly Do not be wise in your own estimation.

 17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone Respect what is right in the sight of all men.

18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.  

19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.

 20 BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.”

 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Forgiveness is as we said in the beginning, supernatural. Being a new creature in Christ, I knew it was outside of my ability to forgive.  My flesh doesn’t naturally want to be forgiving.  This is a hard task sometimes when you have been hurt. I am not talking to you from the vantage of always getting it right. In the past I have not handled myself wisely and even now confess, I am still learning and growing. I wanted to understand my responsibility to God and those I have hurt.  Because Christ is in me, the grace needed to love and forgive and release another from any debt or repayment for their offense is also in me.  I have to understand God has forgiven me, and that the other person regardless of their repentance or restoration of the matter, has to be forgiven. My Father wants me to forgive as He does.

If that person wants restoration then you can again fellowship. Do not expect anything in return for asking forgiveness.  Being like Christ, being transformed, renewed, and restored will help you release another person’s offense for their sake as well as yours.  You don’t have to carry condemnation of another’s offense. God hates all sin, and if they sinned against you, God hates that. Just as you have been forgiven though, He is willing and ready to forgive them. That should be our prayer, to reflect Christ, and love them unconditionally. Again, I can’t do that but Christ in me can. I have to say I may never understand my situation and may never be forgiven. I just have to trust the LORD in times such as these when I can’t explain. 

 Phil 2:1 Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion,

2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.

3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,

6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,

7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.

8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

9 For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name,

10 so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth,  

11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 

Revenge is not the answer. Ever.

Revenge just the word conjures thoughts in our minds that makes us immediately say no not me. Well let’s look at the thesaurus and see some of the synonyms for revenge: retribution, settling of scores, payback, retaliation, and vindication. Oh, we are more at home with revenge than we thought. We want equality in all things and feel unfairly treated or unjustly wronged when things are not made equal. How many times have we longed for that magic day when the tables are turned and justice is served?  Longing for revenge keeps us in the flesh. It requires that we continue to look at ourselves and how we are being treated. Just like in rejection we lose focus of Colossians 3 and how we stand in Christ. Maybe by now you have noticed how hampered the Holy Spirit is by the emotions that make us focus on us. 

 There are two common threads as we look at  the negative emotions. Those are, first our own heart is deceitful and will lie to us, second, we let these emotions get a stronghold when we look at ourselves and become the victim instead of the victor. We have to keep our eyes on who our God is not what He is doing and HE must be the center of our world.

 It is a fact that if you take some large species of ocean fish, some that normally grow to over 6 ft and put them in a normal desktop aquarium, they will only grow big enough to suit their environment. Although I am sure many are thankful for this fact it represents a sad larger truth. This world system (Satan)  wants to shape your thinking and the course of your life and keep you in that aquarium instead of seeing you thrive and be the new creature in Christ you are meant to be. Every time you give in to the trappings of this world, you jump back in that aquarium and are controlled by those around you instead of the GOD of the universe who has wonderful plans for your life.

 Luke 9:51-55

⁵¹And it came to pass, when the time was come that he should be received up, he stedfastly set his face to go to Jerusalem,

 ⁵²And sent messengers before his face: and they went, and entered into a village of the Samaritans, to make ready for him.

 ⁵³And they did not receive him, because his face was as though he would go to Jerusalem.

 ⁵⁴And when his disciples James and John saw this, they said, Lord, wilt thou that we command fire to come down from heaven, and consume them, even as Elias did?

 ⁵⁵But he turned, and rebuked them, and said, Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of.

The disciples wanted to wipe out those who had rejected the advance preparation of Jesus ministry in the Samaritans village. I really chuckle thinking how I would abuse that fire power if I were a disciple. It would be zap city.

 We have to look at what Jesus did when they responded this vindictive way to rejection? He questioned them to examine thier identity in Him. He said they had lost their focus on the task for the emotion of being rejected basically.

Jesus had to remind them don’t you know who you are? He rebuked them for thinking they should destroy people over trivial things. Rejection doesn’t end your life it only verifies that someone doesn’t accept you or your ideas. We don’t get our confidence from men so man’s opinion shouldn’t have life shattering affect on us. I like what happened after Jesus scolded them and refocused them on their mission. They went on to another village. WOW! If only we could just move on past things we can’t change or lessen the stronghold in our lives.

 Romans 12:17-21 

 ¹⁷Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.

 ¹⁸If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

 ¹⁹Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

 ²⁰Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

 ²¹Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

 

Once again when a sentence begins with a verb, the understood subject is you. We are warned to repay evil with good.  The phrase :as much as lieth in you” means to depend on Christ in you and do your very best to keep peace.  

Now these are hard words to swallow. Anyone divorced, or whose child has been killed by a drunk driver, or who lost a job due to someone lying, almost any violation you can think of seems to ignite a vengeful spirit in us. “I’ll get you for that!”  We can also have vengeful thinking “your day is coming.”  Do you know what this kind of thinking means in our lives? It means that we aren’t letting go of what was done and giving it residence by dwelling on it. It violates God’s best for us when he said to think on things that are lovely and of a good report.  What does God say to do with our need for revenge, allow him to exact it.

 Here’s a news flash, God knows exactly what circumstances and judgment to meet out on that individual that will punish them but in a way more like His mercy, lead them to His waiting arms.  That is what we should want for those who have harmed us. Their spiritual condition is more important than a relationship with us. 

This is where we all raise our hands and say. It’s hard to let go!

 I think God has a sense of humor, because knowing all things, He gives us a way to really get under the skin of those who wrong us. Read vs 20 and 21. He even indicates this will have an affect on them. 

I Thessalonians 5:

 ¹⁴Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.

 ¹⁵See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.

 ¹⁶Rejoice evermore.

 ¹⁷Pray without ceasing.

 ¹⁸In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

 ¹⁹Quench not the Spirit.

 ²⁰Despise not prophesyings.

 ²¹Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.

 ²²Abstain from all appearance of evil.

 ²³And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

 ²⁴Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.

 

I like this verse because it tells us something Christians too often forget. We are to never give evil to those who are not saved and just as important those who are the part of the body of believers. We are to trust Christ with the entire matter knowing that God loves that person and is working in their life. Be faithful stay the course. Expect to be misunderstood.

 

I Peter 2:23-25

 

 

So many times over my years of teaching, there were times I could have really blasted a kid caught in an offense. Yet my patience and kindness, even bearing their obnoxious attitude, always won them over. I don’t know how many in my life have later told me that they knew I loved them by my actions. I am not talking about letting someone violate you. I am talking about picking your battles with this thought in mind. How will this best glorify God and represent my Lord when I handle this situation.  This leads us to the next point. How do we handle matters that offend us.

 

I Corinthians 6:1-8

 

We have to be careful that the world doesn’t set the tone for how we handle matters with others. We live in a dog eat dog culture. The name of the Lord gets dragged through the mud every time anyone claiming anything to do with God fails to be careful in their dealings with others. How many times do we hear in the news that so and so was this or that in the church.

 

One of the first things a Christian needs to do is stop the score keeping. You will never be able to even the score by getting another person to act as you think you should. As a matter of fact this often backfires. Proverbs 26:27. Revenge really belongs in the hands of  GOD who knows mans heart and can justly give due recompense of reward. Proverbs 20:22.  Let God be your righteousness-dikaiosune.

Dear One, I love you and pray for you daily.

THE GAME NOT PLAYED

By Laura  (2001)

We’re on a team, and we must fight,

For we have a calling to do what’s right,

The Coach has faith, and He needs us,

So don’t quit and bite the dust.

Just remember players in the past,

Who didn’t quit and had a blast.

They didn’t quit, and why should we?

For I believe it hurts them, you see

For them to think that we don’t care

What they did in those games there.

And on top of all of this,

There will be a next year’s list

The players on this team need us, too,

For they will look at all we do.

God forbid if along the way,

They see a place where we don’t play!

This poem was written after she heard a message on Hebrews 12:1-2. “Wherefore seeing we are also compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily besets us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith. She sent it to her dad….. hoping he would stay on the team….. if you are thinking about leaving…. remember little girls everywhere whose hearts will break…and lives will change.

Compassion- being moved by the heart, led by the Spirit.

Compassion is when as humans we get to imitate God’s mercy. It is unmerited empathy and care for another’s distress. Compassion doesn’t keep score and never expects to be returned. Jesus left us several great examples of His compassion when he healed and also when he dealt with the multitudes. His ministry here could have been so different. He kept it personal and intimate. Compassion is an intimate act. It’s kindness with heart and feet. Let’s look at God’s Word for some great examples of compassion.

Our first example comes from Psalms 103:3-14
3Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;
4Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
5Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.
7He made known his ways unto Moses, his acts unto the children of Israel.
8The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
9He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.
10He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
13Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.
14For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

In verse 3-14 we see that GOD extends all kinds of compassion on our behalf. We are able to experience at any given time His forgiveness, healing, redemption, love, satisfaction, righteous judgment, mercy, pity, grace. In verse 7 we also see that He makes His way known how compassionate not to make us doubt the clear way. In verse 8 we see his attributes of mercy, grace, slow to anger, and mercy is mention again as being plenteous.

In vs 9 we also see that there is an end to God’s mercy

I love vs 10. This is where we really see how we are to have compassion. Ever want to get even with someone. Have you ever wanted “their day” to come? Imagine for a second if we were GOD. How would we deal with that person who hurt us or disappointed us? The point of vs 11 is that GOD’s mercy is above our understanding or comprehension. His compassion is so intense that He removes our sins from His sight.

Compassion is very much like pity. We have all been in a position in which we were furious beyond sanity with a person but for some reason we reverse our need for revenge and extend mercy to the very person who wronged us. That is compassion. A compassionate person knows the person they are extending compassion on is needy. They know their soul is more important than their own feelings.

Matthew 25:31-45

31When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
32 And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:
33And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
34Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
35For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
36Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
37Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
38When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
39Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
40And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
41Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
42For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
43I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
44Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
45Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.

We see how our Heavenly Father expects us to treat Him in verses 35-43. How do we do these things? By treating each other the same way he treats us, especially strangers. We can also see here that compassion isn’t a take it or leave it proposition. Many times we make optional things that GOD feels strongly about. Although He doesn’t say you have to have compassion He demonstrates the consequences of not having compassion. I think the premise here is that saved people will have compassion and those who have no compassion are more than likely not members of the body of Christ. An unforgiving heart is not a compassionate heart.

Galatians 6:1-2
Brethren is a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted, Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

We have to be careful of the danger of compassion. We have to be careful having compassion about sin in the life of another believer. We all know friends and family who will not confront an individual and gives way too many chances to “do better.” This is misplaced compassion and can cripple someone who should get on with the business of doing what is right in the eyes of God. The world calls this behavior a form of enabling. By extended unwarranted compassion you give a person a safe haven from the conviction of GOD sometimes. We need to be frank with others in the area of sin in their lives. Lovingly telling them in a way that helps them rather than reinforces the sin. We need be supportive with our compassion and very careful. If they are in sin, we have no choice but to speak the truth in love. That is the most compassionate way to handle them. 

The book of Jude is rich in warnings of being ungodly but also in walking in the love of GOD. Jude 22 is a beautiful verse that sums up the whole purpose of compassion.

22 And of some having compassion making a difference.

Jude 20 –25 is basically encouragement to the believers who are walking in this earth.

20 But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, 21 keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.
22 And on some have compassion, making a distinction; 23 but others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment defiled by the flesh.
24 Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, And to present you faultless
Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, 25 To God our Savior, Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty, Dominion and power, Both now and forever. Amen.

Quit You Like Men Be Strong, There’s no excuse to be a jerk.

However you were trained to be broken it will take an honest man to listen to or read the following message and be real with it. This message will be received one of 2 ways because it is true ,it will either offend you and you will despise it or, it will send you into prayer for God’s will. I am not a man and it sent me to examine even more of my life and seek GOD to help me with some more areas I am learning in. I don’t think you will be unchanged by it.

It’s time to for us all to wake up. It’s time to stop just sitting on our hands “woe is me”  Be brave, courageous, honorable to the LORD and to HIS will for your life, I dare you to hear this message in entirety. I dare you to be strong in the LORD and stop wallowing in self pity, self consumption, thinking life can only be hard like GOD doesn’t have a will, never wrote a word, and never made a promise. Sure life is hard, that is why we meet it head on with GOD. We don’t curl up, self medicate with mindless pursuits, or run away .. SOAR get out of the box, take one step toward freedom away from bondage. 

http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3789887&ct=6962121

Mark Driscoll: The first is Little Boy Larry. Little Boy Larry, he’s a total sweetheart. He’s a guy 20’s, 30’s, god forbid 40’s. Can’t keep a job. Forgets to set his alarm. He’s eight years into his undergraduate studies. Works part time because it stresses him out. Still lives with his mom. Maybe he moved out but his mom’s always worried about him so she brings him groceries and picks up his laundry and helps pay his bills. Little Boy Larry is a totally nice guy. He’s a real sweetie pie. So nobody ever kicks him in the batteries. He gets away with murder. Little Boy Larry really loves his mom because she’s always changing his proverbial diaper. And his hope is to meet a really nice gal with a good job and a house.

[laughter]

So that he can go from his mom to his girlfriend or wife. He’ll come up with dumb ideas like I’ll be the stay at home dad.
[laughter]

I’m really good with kids since I am one.

[laughter]

They really like me because we relate to one another as children. Little Boy Larry is a joke. He gets away with murder especially in the Christian church where he tends to be majority. Women who are attracted to these men say, “but I really love him.” Yes, you’re attracted to him as a mother is attracted to an orphaned child. But that’s not a marriage. That’s a mother-child affection. That is not a wife-husband affection. You don’t look at this man, ladies, and say, I respect him. I want my sons to be like him. I want my daughters to marry men like him. You say things like, “he has a lot of potential and no one understands him.” I do. He’s an idiot.

[laughter]

And, he’s fooled you.

Number 2—there’s sturdy oak, Owen. This is the dad who goes to work and comes home, pays the bills, turns on the TV and checks out. This is the dad who he is physically present but emotionally absent. He’s always working on his car, he’s always on the internet, he’s always in his study, he always in the garage, he’s always in the yard. You’ll say, “Dad, you were never there.” He’s like, “I was always there.” Yes, in a comatose state. There are some of you here your dad never said I love you. He never hugged you. He never encouraged you. And what he would say is, what do you mean I wasn’t a good dad? I put food on the table. I put a roof over your head and I came home every night and I was there. He was there. Present. Connected. Participating. That’s a coward. That guy is ultimately a coward. He’s afraid to get involved in the lives of his wife and children.

Number 3—there’s hyper spiritual Henry. This guy drives me insane. This guy drives me insane. This is the guy with Christian t shirts, Christian bumper stickers, always listening to praise music, always reading the latest trendy Christian garbage book. Everything’s about God but it never really makes any sense. He wants everybody to know how hyper spiritual he is to the point where his wife and children are embarrassed by him. Some of you had this dad. You’re out to dinner guy comes to pour the water and he’s like do you know Jesus is the water of life and he could have streams of living water come from you. The 14 year old kid grabs a salad fork and is trying to go under the table and find their jugular just to end their life.

[laughter]

Because their dad is embarrassing. Last name is Flanders. Terrible.

[laughter]
To be the spiritual leader, gentlemen, does not mean that you’re just a total freakish oddball.

Number 4—there’s good time Gary. Good time Gary. Everybody loves him. Life of the party. He is funny. He is charming. He is winsome. He is entertaining. There’s always a crowd of people around him. Everybody likes him. He gets along with everybody. And here’s the key. Everybody loves him. Nobody respects him. Because he’s a joke. That’s why he’s so funny. He doesn’t just tell jokes. He is one. Every time something happens in his life he just turns it into a joke. He doesn’t realize that his life is the joke. Can’t hold a job. Can’t pay his bills. Can’t get out of bed in the morning. Can’t follow through on a commitment. Can’t stay organized. Can’t see anything through to completion. Everybody loves him. Nobody respects him. He’ll draw a crowd but they won’t follow him because he’s not going anywhere. He’s not a leader.

A wife who is married to this guy eventually he becomes not so cute. Not so funny. Not so clever. He becomes profoundly annoying. She’s tired of the jokes and the good times and the everything’s funny and aren’t I clever and cute. She wants a real man she can depend on. She gets sick of it.

Men are prone toward chauvinism or cowardice. Too much. Too little.

Bob: I was watching you as you were listening to that. You were laughing sometimes but nodding and shaking your head a lot. You think that’s a pretty fair description of where a lot of guys are?

Dennis: I think we need to be speaking the truth in love. We don’t want to unnecessarily beat anybody up with the scripture or shame them or whatever but you know what. It’s time for men to be men who are courageous. In Joshua chapter 1 four times God commands the nation of Israel fear not, be courageous. Fear not, be courageous. And I think if there is a man listening right now and he’s going I was one of those four. Then you know what you need to find another man who is a real man. Who can help you step up and coach you out of where you are because you don’t have to stay there. Life is too short to live all wrapped up in yourself and that’s what all four of those are. Cowardly men who were not laying down their lives on behalf of others.

Bob: In that message Mark said that there is an opposite error to cowardice and that’s the error of chauvinism. It’s the error of being a dictatorial abuser. Well, he had four different descriptors for the chauvinist and not only did he have descriptors for them but he always has some strong words for them.

Dennis: And if you felt like the canoe just got placed in the white water we’re about to move into a class 5 rapids in the middle of the Grand Canyon. Now, some of you are going to recoil at the intensity with which Mark shares these points. But I have to tell you I felt like the intensity was right.

Bob: Well, here’s Mark’s description of the four different kinds of chauvinists that you find in the church today.

Mark: I’ve been dealing with men for enough years at this point and I’ll share with you some of these guys. The chauvinist don’t understand masculinity and how to treat a woman so there are four basic versions of this failure that I have witnessed.

The first is no sissy stuff Sam. This is the guy he doesn’t know what a man is he just knows a man is not a woman. So whatever a woman is he’s going to be the opposite. Right? Some of you guys have this dad. Mom hugs so he doesn’t hug. Mom says she loves you so he doesn’t say he loves you. Mom kisses you so he doesn’t kiss you because that’s girl stuff. This guy doesn’t understand that men and women are both made in the image and likeness of God. That they have the same emotions and passions and experiences and they tend to express them in masculine or feminine ways but being a man is not the opposite of being a woman that you are both made in the likeness of God and you express yourself in masculine and feminine ways. These guys tend to think that to be a man means this, you can belch the loudest, spit the farthest, and punch the hardest. That’s a man. That’s not a man. That’s a joke. That’s a joke. There is no woman here today praying God send me that. I want a real man.

[laughter]

But too many guys especially guys that a single too long and guys who put 27 guys into a one bedroom apartment so they can each spend $30 dollars a month on red and spend all their time just rocking out to guitar hero that’s what those guys think.

[laughter]

And they are idiots.

Number 2—success and status Stuart. This is the guy he defines himself the Bible says by what he has and does. He has this sort of left over hyper jock competitive mentality. Here’s how much I make. Here’s how my company is doing. Here’s my car. Here’s my house. Here’s my success. Here’s my wins. Here’s my victories. And he treats his wife just like another trophy. Her job is to look pretty and be quiet. Just make him look good as yet another notch on his belt. He doesn’t love her well. He doesn’t serve her well. He’s more worried about his income and possessions than wife and his children.

Number 3—there’s give em hell Hank. This is the guy he’s got anger, violence, short temper, rude, crude, mean. He’s harsh. He’s overbearing. He’s intimidating. He’s scary. He is scary. Are you this guy? Is your wife scared of you? What kind of man intimidates a woman?

Number 4—I’m the boss, Bob. This guy is just bossy. He thinks wherever he is that he is the king of the whole thing. He’s always telling everybody what to do. He stands back at a distance like a drill sergeant and just barks out orders to his wife and barks out orders to his children. He has a hard time keeping a job because he always is bossing around his employer and his employees and no one can stand him. He thinks that being a man means being bossy and overbearing. These guys are the worst when they show up at church. They want to be in authority not under authority. These are the guys who show up and immediately say, “I want to lead. Put me in charge of something.”

You’re in charge of shutting up. That can be your specialty. These are the guys when you rebuke them they just leave the church and they take their wife and children with them and their wife and children suffer because this is a guy who loves to be in authority, refuses to be under authority, likes to tell everyone what to do, and he himself can’t be told anything.

I’ve got a list of these guys. You can see it in their wife’s face. She’s miserable. You can see it in their children. They despise their father. And he’s oblivious because he’s an imbecile. And they go from church to church to church and evidentially it’s like well, we can’t find a good church meaning I can’t find a pastor dumb enough to take my orders.

That’s how chauvinism works itself out. Men, when you read the Bible and you read words like head of the household if you think it means something like this you’re an idiot. You’re abusive. You’re dangerous and you’re a fool.

Some of you guys. It’s so frustrating. Some of you guys have been coming here for years. You still have your hands all over your girlfriend. Some of you guys have been coming here for years and you’re still not praying with your wife. Some of you guys have been coming here for years and you’re still single and having sex. Some of you guys will even even as I’m preaching this sermon some of you will be sitting next your girlfriend, fiancé, or your wife some of you guys have already given her that look. Don’t cry, don’t let them know they are talking about me just hold it together. You’ve already intimidated her right here. Some of you guys have already whispered in her ear, “I don’t want to hear it. We’re not talking about this in the car on the way home.” Some of you have already whispered in her ear, “I’m sorry, I’ll do better. Trust me. Let’s just move on real quickly.

How dare you? Who do you think you are? Abusing a woman. Neglecting a woman. Being a coward. A fool. Being like your father Adam. You’re not god. You’re just a man. You’re not an impressive man. You’re not a responsible man. You’re not a noble man. You’re not a respectable man. You’re not a responsible man in any regard. I don’t care how successful you. In this area if you are a failure it clouds all of your dignity. It robs all of your masculinity. There is no excuse for any man who claims the name of Christ to treat a woman in a dishonorable, disrespectable way. Some of you right now you’ll get all angry. How dare he yell at me. That’s the Holy Spirit telling you it’s you. I didn’t name you He did. You change now little boy. You change right now. You shut up. You put your pants on. You get a job. You grow and maybe one day you can love a woman. It’s for men not for boys. And those of you men who are here and your wives are suffering under your folly and failure. Shame on you. And shame on you if you say you’re a Christian. And shame on you if you’ve been attending Mars Hill. And shame on you if you’ve been surrounded by good men and have pursued none of them. And shame on you if you’ve not become a member and submitted to spiritual authority. And shame on you if you’ve not joined a community group so you can walk in darkness. And shame on you if you show up to put communion in your hands representing the body and blood of your murdered Savior and then go put them on your girlfriend or download porn from the internet or raise your hand in a threat to your wife. Shame on you. You guys are a joke.

And there’s a handful of good men that are tired of picking up your mess. So you step up. You shut up. You man up. You do business with God. You use all that anger you have toward me right now to repent.

Red Rover send a sinner right over.

Has anything ever knocked you so far off balance you have a hard time finding center again. I remember a couple of times as a kid playing a game of red rover where you form two human chains of kids and call one out at a time to break the chain. I remember Coley, we affectionately called “Coleslaw” who was the guy everyone was scared of at my elementary school. He was just a big guy. When he was called I knew my arm was about to be broken. Everyone knew Deb was “the weakest” link. So of course here comes Coleslaw, the playground felt like it was booming under my feet. Yep, he was gonna take the easy route and go between me and a guy who had a death grip on my forearm. Although my heart was pounding and I knew I was going to wind up on the ground. I held on tightly dreaming to be the one who kept coleslaw from breaking through this time. Yep, you guessed it. There I was in my little plaid jumper, steely eyed and ready to rumble………… then …………BAM……… there I was looking at the clouds. ……….. Man did that hurt!!!! I couldn’t breathe …… my arm was wrenched and yikes ……..now everyone is watching me …….. why not they watched it happen. Still can’t breathe trying to catch my breath. Seconds seemed like hours. Finally, a breath, a sigh, the pain…..yep the tears……. but not boo hoo tears just something in my eye. lol…….. ok lets line up and do this again. Such is red rover……but it’s not funny when you play red rover with your life. God did not plan for us to be knocked down and the breath knocked out of us all of our lives. …….. Time to grow,,,,,,,,time for grace……… time to read the Word…….. time to live………

We will only have the intimate good shepherd relationship with God that we should have by getting to know the shepherd’s voice which is expressed in His WORD.

The worlds wisdom is like Coleslaw……. headed to knock us off our feet. God’s wisdom……found in His Word is like Life, water, bread, ………..everyday we choose life or death…………

Are you calling Coleslaw to come knock the wind out of your sails???? Are you lying on the ground wondering why relationships don’t work and why you are wounded and hurting?

Stop playing with your life…… in the playground of the world…….

PS. Coleslaw  became a great godly man and father later……. I was honored to teach with his wife at a Christian School in SC and to see such a gentle giant.

Hard Lessons In Life /Consequences

Hard lessons in life / Consequences
“He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3) “He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted.” (Isaiah 61:1)
The word heal in Hebrew is Rapha which means to heal, to sew together, or mend. Imagine if you will GOD healing me piece by piece even mending together what has been torn apart. That was like salve to my weary and broken heart that my GOD would put me back together in His way in His time.
Broken hearted is the Hebrew word Shabar which means to break into pieces, crush, maime, crippled, shattered, wrecked, rupture, to be broken, rend violently. Jesus repeated this verse in Luke as part of his mission coming to this earth. To heal the broken hearted and set the captives free. I was a captive to emotional stuff. No one held me physically captive it was all spiritual bondage. I remember when I lifted my eyes after the long nights of pain and blame and realized the chains were truly gone and I was totally free. I remember feeling as if my soul had wings because once I was blind but now I see. I have sung What a Friend We have in Jesus hundreds of times just because I now KNOW he indeed is my Friend.
Bind is the Hebrew word Cabash which means to tie, bind about like a headband or turban, bind on, restrain, bandage. What comfort that you are GOD’s child and He is waiting in the wings for you to embrace the healing he will provide and has demonstrated in first sending Jesus to die for us but, also in giving us a means to have an intimate relationship with him. Not only did GOD heal but he also bandaged my wounds as they healed. How loving and how restful that is to me. I can fall into his loving arms in prayer and as the dear and precious Father I have never had, let Him do that for me.
Wound comes from the Hebrew atstsehbeth which had idol as a root but also a pain or wound even a sorrow wound. I identify with making my pain and idol. I was so fearful to freely trust GOD with everything. I had spiritual white knuckles that if I let go of control it might hurt me how ironic. I remember when I first started studying the Hebrew and Greek and came across this it was all very hard to swallow. Now I love knowing what God is really saying. I am amazed at the lengths He goes to in order to have a relationship with us and take care of our needs and desires. We can truly trust him. I never trusted anyone before except myself which just about destroyed me.
Imagine him knitting you back together from brokenness of unimaginable proportions and binding that healing into a masterpiece that he knew in Psalms was fearfully and wonderfully made. That is what GOD has done for me. I sought Godly counsel through my Pastors wife because on my own I was unable to clearly see or progress. I was becoming emotionally and spiritually crippled and ineffective. I sought the Lord in His Word and on my knees, and I learned how to listen instead of act or react to everything. I began to see life’s lessons in it all and see how GOD works behind the scenes always on my behalf for His glory. It was like the scales from my eyes fell and as I began to become whole I feel full and have an overflow that I can share with others.
Hearing you say that your heart is broken, that you feel damaged, burned out, and that even talking about it makes you feel depressed is where I have traveled. It hurts but also shows us we are in touch with something still being not healed. How you might feel right now is a place I am very familiar with. It is the exact way I felt. I was emotionally and spiritually wrecked and very unable to admit it. I must say this to you hoping you will take it to heart because it is far more important that you understand what I am going to say more than you ever look at me. As I said that is not at all what this is about.
Feeling the way I did without dealing with it and without healing hindered me in every way spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I did that exact same thing by just avoiding it all. I spent hours pouring my life into futility of doing stuff that just didn’t provide anything valuable to help me grow. I have paid a very high price neglecting my relationships horizontally with people and vertically with GOD.
Not healing kept me in bondage to my pain until I decide to address it. It foreshadowed my witness and effectiveness as a light to the lost and dying world and kept me stuck going through the motions of life without really living the wonderful life Christ intended. I am speaking the truth in love. I did exactly that very thing.
Dear One, I know GOD is with me and that saying this is from grace He has given me to boldly let you know as strongly and lovingly as I can. I continued pouring my life into pseudo surface relationships which did make me laugh and provided numbness from it all but did not provide growth that will help a person heal or be restored. I wasted part of my life I can’t get back. I found many people there whose motives were not for my good or God’s glory.
Words that real friends tried to share with me along this line were dismissed when I was going through the same thing when I first was divorced up until this past summer when I began to deal with my life and who I was. I was so far from healthy and whole. I would feel ungrateful to GOD if I didn’t share this with you for all that He has done for me. I am still in total awe of His grace and mercy.
I won’t continue belabor this but Dear One, but you seem to be where I was and I pray you seek out God with all your heart as well as fellowship in the Lord who will stand by you in this time, seek the LORD in His Word for what is already in place to help you heal, and cry out to GOD to find Him faithful to love you through this pain you are suffering. Above all one of the biggest mistakes I made was to try to do it in my own strength but I learned how to live in Christ as my life. That is the only way to really be healed and have lasting peace.
I am tried on every front here in Dallas with great trials but I am at peace knowing my rock, my anchor of the soul, my good Shepherd, redeemer, friend, Father, is ever with me. He is fighting for me and I can keep the great faith and peace that He provides. It’s not one bit me but in and through HIM, my all in all. I pray you continue in love as the Bible says and that you find healing in HIM. This is said from a heart that breaks for you but rejoices knowing our GOD will love you to the point your life will once again flow from His fountain if you let Him.

God bless you all who read this.

Emerge a changed Woman.

My past is riddled with so many things, some drama, mistakes, pain, violence, sadness, divorce, marriage and death. I can’t begin to write all that I could say about it.  I guess I could fill this blog with it all so that you can identify with me on some of those points but lets shorten the drama to get to the heart of the matter.  Here’s the bottom line.

When I became saved I exchanged my life for the new life of Christ. I became a new creature, not the old person reinvented but a new creation. The problem wasn’t in my salvation not being all it should have been or being more complete. God just doesn’t do a half-baked job. My problem was that I came to the table with years of past rejection that had trained my mind to be rejected. Short story, I grew up with tons of rejection from my dad, married a man who rejected me, then made a series of poor judgments trying to be accepted in my career or by others so that I would mask the pain of being rejected. Something had to change and I spent the last 6 years trying to figure it out.

None of the avenues I tried worked because at the end of the day I was still the same rejected person. I finally found the answer when I was faced for the first time in my life with having to make it on my own without props. (people to support me emotionally) I started studying the WORD of GOD rather than talk or write about what I had thought I had known of His Word. Truth was that “religion” had gotten in the way of having a real understanding of who GOD is and of my identity in Christ. I began to dig and what I found out has accomplished in my life what it should have done. I have had to be changed from the inside out by renewing my mind.

When we get saved we as stated by the Lord are new creatures, all things have passed away behold all things have become new. That being said, I did get saved but never ever really took concerted time to find out about my new life in Christ. I was trying to live out life the old me way vs. the mind of Christ way.

I understand going through the motions and being indifferent to life going around you. I understand just trying to survive the pain and toil of life but not living life. I call it survival mode. When God quickens (makes our spirit alive by becoming one with it, it is unmistakable.) He says our spirit witnesses with His Spirit. As a believer I did  not accept that change as normally as I should have and fought every step of the way. I tried in my flesh to do my thing when I see that now I can’t do anything but what the Lord wills, even then it’s all Him and not me. The first change I noticed is how I view things and how I began to unravel and learn a whole new way. It’s like going from black and white tv to color. So much more sense in the life around you because you see everything as a small puzzle piece in a huge masterpiece GOD is aware of.

Old southern preachers where I used to live would say “do you know that you know that you know?” I think of the phrase sometimes when I realize that GOD has redeemed my soul through his Son’s offering for my sin. My old man was crucified with Christ on that cross and has passed away. Sometimes in this life we keep giving the “Old Man” a funeral by holding on to the mind the old man had and not allowing the renewing the mind of the “new creation” to be like the Son.

 I am a new creation that as God says is “accepted in the beloved” The good work that God began in me he will continue as he promised. God has said to “come boldly” to his throne of Grace to receive Mercy in time of need. To take his burden because it is not weighty…. over and over the theme of the New Covenant is that GOD provided a way to Him that is fool proof, I like that term meaning even I can follow his lead.  Every step of the journey is made clear to us in His Word so that we can’t possibly do it, but that we can be successful letting Him do it. He changes us we can’t change ourselves. Wouldn’t we have changed us already if we could? If we struggle with something wouldn’t we wave the human wand at it and poof we are changed? Wouldn’t we provide our own healing? Are you hearing in my statements why “we” can’t do it?

 Where would dependence on GOD be if “we” could change ourselves. Immediately we would humanize it all and forget God. That is why Paul wrote the phrases about “the things I do I would not” etc. That is why the renewing of the mind is so important. You can’t do anything you don’t believe. You might try to pretend it, copy it, squeak, squak, sqawk like it but if you are a duck you are not a sheep. I lived so many self righteous, entitled years that way to the waste of time and talents, but I was blind now I see.

 The Good Shepherd leads the sheep they know his voice and follow him. Pretending only lasts for a season but sonship last for a life. The most wonderful part is GOD loves and is jealous of the “new creation” We are accepted by him, loved by him, wanted by Him, trusted by Him (to be His representative), seen as joint heirs with Jesus by him, I could continue to list them but our identity is in Christ in the eyes of the Father who has promised that we are seated in the heavenlies blessed with all spiritual blessings. When Christ is enough everything is enough. We are sheep following our Shepherd who leads us to all we need. The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want.

Bitter? Me? *Shock Face*

I am here! I can’t believe it. I have let a root of bitterness settle in my life. I went to church today hoping to sing and lift my heart a little. It is Mother’s Day and the second one without my children. It’s been over 6 years since my family was intact as a whole traditional family. Four of those years we were surviving under the grace of God doing the best we all could to heal. Two little precious children were rocked when the “angel of divorce” ( added for dramatic emphasis) came knocking at our door. Not trying to be insensitive to divorce because it has been one of the most life changing factors in my recent life. Just able to be down the road knowing it will change your life but not end it. Pre-divorce I had a Mayberry existence and could have never entertained the idea of being single today. My bitterness came as a surprise to me. I had my own idea of who I was and how much strength I had. Never would I have admitted as a Christian that I was bitter. The connotation was one of a person who was very angry at life who didn’t have a voice in their circumstances and who now must put together what others tore apart with some of the pieces missing. Yikes! That is who I have become. My story will sound boring but you never know who is reading so I will give a brief synopsis. My Dad was distant I married a copy of him who was distant most of the marriage but I didn’t know any better because it was my normal. When he stated he was having and affair I divorced him. I haven’t had a successful relationship and don’t know if that is possible for me. That is a side issue. What I have discovered is that I am bitter from being rejected and held distant. I thought I was angry but my anger somewhere on the road turned to bitterness. I find myself angry at every person and everything. I think things I generally had a high threshold of patience for are now so annoying. My stomach is in knots and my spiritual life is AAAACCCCCKKKK!! I thought if so and so would just do this or that all would be right in my world. BUZZZZZZZZZZ nope that is not going to fix this. The root of bitterness has to go. It has to be excised. All the things that cause it have to go out the window. I had no clue it was there but now that I do, it would be pride and rebellion on my part to leave it alone to fester and infest all who are around me with my “wonderfulness” (sarcasm) I am not wonderful when I am in this shape. Never been here before but I know what wonderful is and it “aint” me. I am hard to deal with, restless, angry, short tempered, sick, hurt, frustrated. An ant crossing the 4 lane highway gets my attention just because my senses are on “full alert” Lord help anyone who gets a blast of me. It’s like meeting a flame thrower. Why would I post this? Because I want to be back to my cute and funny loving self. I don’t want to be so occupied with my pain that I forget to live the good times now. Here’s what happened at church today. I have asked God to help me forgive where needed, press the delete button on things that need to go, and to help restore what I have lost in this season of hurt and frustration. I have asked him to help me not strive, complain, and argue my way through this time of growth and healing but to put him first. I want to praise through this no matter how deep the valley or dark the storm. I am laying down my weapons and giving up my own strength to allow God to fight this battle. “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by it many be defiled.” (Hebrews 12:15)

Love from The Four Loves by CS Lewis

Lots here to ponder …………think deep folks  and God bless. I find myself in need of  your prayer.

The Four Loves

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

• Need-love cries to God from our poverty; Gift-love longs to serve, or even to suffer for, God; Appreciative love says: “We give thanks to thee for thy great glory.” Need-love says of a woman “I cannot live without her”; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection — if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all.

• Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

• Friendship arises out of mere companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.”

• All that is not eternal is eternally out of date.
  • “Charity”

• If we cannot “practice the presence of God,” it is something to practice the absence of God, to become increasingly aware of our unawareness till we feel like man who should stand beside a great cataract and hear no noise, or like a man in a story who looks in a mirror and finds no face there, or a man in a dream who stretches his hand to visible objects and gets no sensation of touch. To know that one is dreaming is to no longer be perfectly asleep. But for news of the fully waking world you must go to my betters.

 

Movin’ On

Rascal Flatts wrote this song somehow I identify with it in some ways. This isn’t the yippeee yi yo springboard I envisioned to declare my life back but it is poignant somehow to say some things in my heart. Parts I don’t agree with at all but overall it says, “enough is enough time to live!!!! ” More to come but enjoy the song because God isn’t done with me yet. My latter days are going to be great

Movin’ On – Rascal Flatts

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ onI’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on

 

TRUST, Relationships and Harm’s Way

Trust is hard to define for me but is something that I know is vital in a relationship. When it is gone the relationship is in danger.  Someone once said, “if only I were the person my dog thinks I am.” I don’t know all of the implications of trust or a lack thereof. I can only speak from a personal perspective.  So I will plod along here for a few minutes if you will allow.

If you have read any of my previous post you have seen a couple of facts about me that might shed light on this post so I will repeat them here. Basically, I was grew up in a home with a very distant father, then I became a Christian and met and married a man who was on track to be a preacher, we met at Bible college and served the Lord in the music ministry at a fundamental Baptist church until he ran off with another woman.  I know some would think, aaaack, don’t say all of that online. Well, two things to consider, one what I might say could possibly help someone which would make it all work together for good, and secondly I find I need to share it somewhere.

So maybe I will give God a break and say it here . My marriage in 1982 was I thought a time in my life that was exciting and wonderful. I dearly loved my husband and what I thought was partnership and teamwork became burden and bondage to him.  We never seemed to be on the same page. I thought if you love the Lord there would be fruit. He led the choir in our church and I taught in a Christian school.  He rarely prayed, had a desire for souls, or read the Bible, slept in church and went through the motions.

There was always a tension there but I still thought the first 10 years we were just a normal couple and that because I didn’t really know or understand the love of my father that I had to not put too much stock into the ”something” that was clearly wrong with the picture.  Unfortunately, my coping mechanism was to see reality in a light that was more of a fantasy than what was really happening. I changed the truth into fantasy. I was clueless and trying to love beyond all of it thinking love was enough.

In 1992, he had his first affair. I never saw it coming and was totally blown away emotionally. That is what happens when you believe in fantasies. When reality rears it’s head you are in shock.  I would say that day trust between us died. We stuck it out past 2 more affairs to finally divorce in 2001. I never could look at him again the same way. I couldn’t get back in the game because he became to me someone who could throw me away and put me back to remembrance of my childhood pain.

I have loved since my first marriage but found that trust again has become an issue with me. I have learned that both people have to value trust and work toward the same goal. I know that once broken I can not dream or imagine past the reality that trust is gone. No matter how much my heart might want to, my head now knows better. If someone betrays you no matter what their intention was there is no partnership, no team, no future, no hope, no value, no committment. We have to trust God with folks who are untrustworthy.

.  The truth builds a foundation that will stand the test and trials of life.  Deception is not the work of God.  So when people show you who they are you have to believe them to do otherwise is to put your emotional health in harm’s way. That being said, if GOD is truly working in a person and you are led by the Holy Spirit to stick it out, you really don’t have a choice. I have learned only the Holy Spirit can change a heart. You can’t discern this if you are in a mess and not being led. Stay in the WORD, in prayer and trust the only one who can lead you through such a hard time.

We can only trust  our faithful God in this life if we want assurance of safety.

God in a box?

From learning and first hand witness I have understood that Catholics believe God is in a certain box until he becomes flesh during the Eucharistic ceremony. Hearing it and witnessing it is unbelievable. This belief is a matter of contention among Christendom. God in a box?

Well before I get too self righteous I am convicted that often I put God in a box. How do I do that? I put God in a box by thinking with my human intellect rather than the leading of the Holy Spirit. I wouldn’t want to reside in some of the boxes I create.

I was reading about Nehemiah rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem and I saw so much there that could fill many pages. I am always child-like amazed when I read in God’s Word about things. It just blows me away seeing how God did things then. Then? What about now?

Well, here’s what I felt the Holy Spirit say to me. That might be the first time I have expressed my sharing this way. At any rate lets ponder this.

Jesus says he is the same yesterday today and forever. So I limit God when I read all the wonderful stories about renewal, restoration, healing, compassion the list goes on in His Word, but I limit God when I read those wonderful accounts and in my own understanding reason that He isn’t the same, that he will deal differently with me. Is that adding to God’s Word? Hmmm

Jesus says come unto me all ye who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Here I limit God when I keep striving in my own strength rather than resting in His. This is an open invitation to rest.

When we are told that he will never leave us or forsake us so that we can say that the Lord is my helper he means that. He says that we don’t have to fear man. We don’t have to limit God by going into the trials and troubles of life as if there is no hope. We don’t have to fear any earthly process that tries to test our foundation. There is a great abundant hope.

What am I saying? I could list hundreds of examples of what God says. Here’s the bottom line for me.

God is all He claims to be regardless of what is going on with me. His promises are true and the answer is still the same regardless of what my circumstance is.

In light of that, no matter what I have faced or will face, GOD is who He says He is. The only time God is limited is in my heart and mind!!!!!!! When I choose to keep leaning on my own understanding and choose to keep doing things my way I am saying NO to resources that God has provided.

I can do all things through Christ ………means all things. I can get through whatever is ahead……..THROUGH CHRIST……….. not through Deb.

Don’t limit God, trust Him. I have been at a state lately that has just overwhelmed my abilities. I have cried off and on because my heart has lost hope about a matter that is dear to me. The Bible says hope deferred makes the heart sick is what I am talking about. My story isn’t over and I am trusting GOD and believe HIS WORD no matter what my circumstances are or how they turn out. Sadness is a part of the journey sometimes but we have to let GOD work in those times to be who He is, to glorify Himself, and to grow us up in the Lord. Sometimes the future doesn’t turn out like we planned and dreamed, but God promises a future and hope.

Awakened Dreamer

Ever feel this way? I have no value in this life which I finally understand. No one loves me enough to love me forever except God. I resign to that fact and cease my quest for love. I have awakened from one bad dream to the next to find out that no matter how much you hope, pray, love, care, and give, folks who don’t want you just simply don’t and you can’t change that. It’s as transcendental as the love of God who won’t force someone to love him back. I should have known better but I dreamed past my head and heart.

Now they have caught up and I am a million miles from where I need to be at this time in my life. It will be a long journey back to me, the person I used to know. Praise the Lord, He will walk with me I will not be afraid. Dear Father, your child needs her shepherd to rest in the fold again and be safe. Trying to explain what God means to me and why I see His Love as an exchange which is exhibited by my submission and service. If you just hear the words to this song and let them sink in… especially the part that says……. MY CHAINS ARE GONE…. You would understand what my heart knows. I am free from the sting of death…….. Sin brings death…..physical for sure but also the death of life abundant the spiritual death.
Spiritual death is when the ravages of sin brings the death of right thinking, of dreams, of vision, of compassion, of right desires and actions.I HAVE BEEN SET FREE BY TRUTH of who God is, what He has done, and who I am in HIM. >…. Not by what others think or this world defines.

Dear One ………….. I hope and pray you know the same so deep in your soul you can’t escape it. ………all power and strength comes by the grace of GOD. It’s all yours and has been since day one.

I understand that no one will love me enough to love me forever except God and that in this life I have no value except the value He gives me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXV6HJxUebg
Chris Tomlin

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine But God,
Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

God bless those who love and encourage folks. Great is your reward.

I love this song by Casting Crowns!
She is running
100 Miles an hour
In the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyons ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadverture just to find
she’s another 2 years older and she’s 3 more steps behind
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
with all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in,to ride in and save the day
And then walks in her prince charming
and he knows just what to say
A momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeplewith all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Who can’t see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Who can’t see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her
Never even met her
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeplewith all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?

Learning to Walk

(still working on this one not complete)
I don’t remember learning to walk or talk but I do remember watching my girls learn both. They would look at me and try to take that step. Sometimes I would reach out and hold their little hand that would grip mine as they would take assisted steps. I would let go but stay near to see if they could balance on their own. Wobble, wobble, wobble, then poof right down they would go. Each time we did the exercise the wobbles were less and the time standing would increase. In my absence when I wasn’t there to offer assistance they would pull up to things but never let go to walk. It wasn’t long before they took that first step. I remember clapping and hugging and praising. We both had so much joy. Sometimes they would look at me and move that foot almost as if they enjoyed me enjoying them. I miss those days. That celebration transfered to each milestone they achieved. It was a celebration of many first to come. First bike ride without training wheels, learning to skate, academics, sports and then the best of all a relationship with God. It all was so natural to nurture and love and water their garden as they bloomed. They have bloomed to be exceptional children with room to grow as we always have. Can you imagine how their lives would have turned out if when they first pulled up to something I sat them down and scowled at them? What if I said to them, you forced your way here and I am resentful dealing with your presence. Can you imagine me assisting them then letting go and watching them fall only to say it was their own fault for trying? What if I tore up the first paper they brought home from school or analyzed it for not being what I thought it should be. Imagine that first “art project” ending up in the trash. What if their eyes longing for the natural parental relationship and love that should be there, were instead met with disapproval as if they could or had to do something to make me love and accept them? Can you imagine telling that child that the way they are makes you reject them? Even worse telling them that something needs to change to be accepted but you have to guess what that is. A child like that would feel so rejected and would eventually stop trying to gain love and acceptance. They will usually look for it elsewhere in order to get out of the house as fast as they can. They wouldn’t know how win and would lose the desire to. They might see glimpses of hope but eventually the rejection would become so painful they would shut down in that direction.It’s hurtful to even write such imaginations because it hits too close to home. I have been that child in my lifetime in a few situations. I am that child right now.

Yesteday was my birthday. I spent it in silence at work digging in and getting things done. I then went home and prepared to go to the doctor for chest and arm pain. Sitting there alone was hard but necessary. I left there to go home concerned for what my medical condition might be only to further be torn to shreds to my very core. What I started out hearing in shock ended in pain. I can’t describe it all but can say that when nothing changes nothing changes. I have to learn to walk all over again. I feel rejected, totally misunderstood, and shut down which was what I was trying to prevent. I can’t describe how much this hurts, I can’t even talk about it. My art work was my dreams and they are all smashed.

Where’s God. Well that is the good news. God is right here being the first parent, watching me fall and helping me up. Seeing me cry and drying my tears. God is there celebrating whatever I salvage from this. I can look up in any direction and God is there. I need to let him heal this because this time it’s bigger than my ability.

I have become like that child that wants to give up. I have tried to restrain myself from that but can’t. I can’t and don’t desire to continue in the vein I have been traveling. I just want to go home at this point.

I wish you were dead so I could have the girls and the money.

Whether you intend to or not you are always communicating. Some relationships fail due to communication but the reason is not that you are not communicating it is because what you are communicating conditions the person to contrive their own assessment of the “state of the union” I know in my case that was was a contributiong thing that I could point to that brough demise to my marriage. My ex communicated to me that I was not wanted and needed but necessary to “clean the house, take care of the kids” When you percieve your wife that way then it causes her to do her darndest to try to win that level of achievement of being wanted and needed. This sets up a friction that erodes the relationship because the man then feels chased and this demise begins. After 20 years of this my ex husband ran off with someone and had an affair. This was the ultimate reason I left him. Looking back is not something I want to do too often but I can see that basically he never invested in me. I was an existence in the same house with him but there was never a time when he cared about being a team or partner. I remember always waiting for that magic day but it never came. The day that did come was a day in which I could tell he was distraught and I asked what I could do to help or if he wanted to tell me all about it. We went upstairs because we never let life’s troubles worry our children. I sat on the bed and he sat there and eyeball to eyeball he told me verbatim, “I wish you were dead” I expected to hear about a job trouble or spiritual problem but never did I expect those words. I remember my heart beating so hard it hurt and I asked why on earth would he wish that. He said, “so I could have the girls and the money” I wasn’t horrified I was completely ripped down to nothing. My whole life with him culminated in this statement. It was 18 months later that he called from a business trip to say he was in love with someone else and I needed to get a lawyer. I did get a lawyer and 20 years of marriage was over. I remember thinking after the dust settled that I was relieved. I had lived most of that time trying to please someone who was never in love with me or at least that is what he said when I asked him one day what happened to make him leave. It was a hard life to live never being able to become one. Six years later I am feeling the same way again. I began thinking I could have a chance in another relationship. I know my “being distant” radar is high and once my daughter said that she didn’t want me to be alone but that someone would have to overcome alot of hurt to reach my heart again. I did try once more. I was first in the position serving and loving someone and it was my joy to, this turned to trying to please them and not make mistakes. The progression of the distance I was kept because they couldn’t embrace the idea then turned to being one of friction that has frustrated me. I have been conditioned to believe that I can’t have relationships with anyone ever period. Now instead of looking for a way to make it work most of my time is spent being conditioned that I am not wanted, not needed. Full circle except that I am not willing to stay in a relationship that makes me feel this way. Loving me just shouldn’t be so hard. I reflect the watering of my garden.
I am lovable. I am the accepted beloved daughter of a king who sees fit to mold me more like his precious Son. I can’t be sad about what has happened or give too much time to the folks who have chosen not to journey with me. Somewhere out there is man who can see clear to my heart and know I am his and he is mine. Until that day I will be joykeepin it real in love with my Savior. It’s one of my ambitions to make the devil think “Oh Lord she’s up” when my feet hit the floor in the morning and to be all that GOD designed for me to be. Humbly I know it’s God who makes me everything I am.

Water My Garden before I fade away.

Sometimes I think I am a foreigner and then I am reminded by the Bible that I am not of this world. I have by my own fault isolated myself from most of the folks I know, moved to a new town, and basically as a southerner would say “I’m whoopped” ( That is in my dictionary lol don’t bother looking it up)

I have never dealt well with rejection but have made great progress in unpacking the past and dealing with the hurtful times I have been rejected. A message by Charles Stanley did arrange the concept a little better for me but the pain is still there to some degree because it surfaces once in a while. I don’t guess that it would be an overnight event to have it poof away. I have matured past waiting for magic days when the world gets all nice again. I know there is a better city in a far country whose builder and maker is GOD. I am counting on that being the place my smile will never end.

My little head sometimes ponders things that to me just don’t add up. It never adds up to be unkind to someone. I do understand the power of words and actions.

This much I do know, I know my own limit. I am growing in the Lord, slowly but still growing, I am also a person who does try hard to be right with those I come in contact with.

I see myself as a garden of beautiful flowers. Some have glowing blooms that are steady and sure as each season passes. Their roots are deep and tap into a well-spring of life. These would be my undying love for the Lord, my joy in raising my girls and loving them, my calling as a Science teacher and loving my students, and my passion to work hard.

There are other flowers in my garden that are tender and although they have deep roots, they depend on water to sustain the best parts of me. These would be my need to be loved, hugged, and treated kindly. I need to belong in the lives of those who are closest to me. I seem to fade and become invisible for reasons I still have yet to learn.

I will just say it out loud. I just can’t stay planted where there is so much negativity directed toward me. The tender flowers of my personality just wilt and become unattractive to myself and to those I want to love and care for. I never am at my best when I have to climb a mountain of defeating actions and comments just for a crumb or two of kindness. My question is, who would be?

I hate and desperately despise it when people say things to me before considering how it sounds. Words carry weight and hurt. I have tried to be kind in return but as of late when I hear so much correction coming my way I think to myself, someone needs to find a perfect friend who can accomplish the long list of things I fail to do in a prescribed pre-ordained manner.

I am an intelligent, articulate, kind, caring, saved, sassy, simply funny ( corny) yet cute southern gal. I am the daughter of the living GOD who loves me so much He gave His Son’s life to make a way for me to be with Him forever. I can not be less than a joint heir with my adopted family in Heaven. Humbly yet with all confidence in who God is and what he promised I say all that.

There is no reason to re-invent the wheel here. If a person wants to be my friend, accept me for who I am. Respect my boundaries. I am not perfect and at my age I don’t have to explain or make excuses for that. By faith I have overcome some very hard things in life that appeared at my own hands and the hands of others. Whatever I can learn I eagerly anticipate learning with joy, what I can’t learn, eh. I know more than I will ever remember already lol. I simply am the best I can be at any given season, always seeking the Kingdom and growing to be as much as I can in the future.

This is my notice to the universe and this is my declaration incase the world missed the memo.

What you say and how you treat me does affect me period. My sticks and stones clause ran out years ago. If you want beautiful blooms water my garden. If you want weeds, beat down on me with the harsh wind and sun and more than likely the things you loved about me in the first place will turn to weeds. It’s not rocket science. It’s ministering grace as the Bible says.

I won’t let expressions stop me and if it becomes a choice between being myself or being a fabricated insecure person waiting on someone to accept me. I choose to say thank you but no thanks. Heaven is my home and I am eternally secure in God’s love for me. I can make it on my own but I would love to grow in grace with those I love.

I am going to love you instead of tolerate you by the way so to the world. Bring it on. Christ in me knows how to hug you through me.

How does a Christian have a bad day?

There are some days that are just not what you want them to be. As a matter of fact to be honest, some days are plain rotten. Today was one of those days. I woke up with a fever and was trying to figure where it came from, a bad tooth, earache, bronchitis? All of them could have been a viable possibility. To top it off my tendonitis had flaired up and was giving me a hard time. I wrestled with going to the doctor and missing work or just sticking it out. These are the choices you have to make when your livelihood is totally dependent on you working. My job has been tenuous, being in a new city, learning the ropes of something I have a hard time grasping.

Seventeen years of teaching in a Christian school setting didn’t prepare me for the secular business world. I am ill equipped but catching up. I decided at lunch to possibly go home. That’s when a kinda eh day started to sink. I found out I needed to stay at work and so I decided to get some things done and kept at it. My fever broke at about 3:30 and I figured I had avoided a visit to the doctor which meant less money I had to pay out. That didn’t disappoint me but I still had to finish my day.

I have never been able to be heard in a particular situation and it presented again today. Somehow I have an ability to articulate the things I want to say but still be dismissed. I try to figure out if it’s a lack of respect or if I am portraying a run over me essence. Either way it made the end of my day emtionally draining. I seem to try to explain my position but without fail wind up being told I am manipulative or wrong. Sometimes I am wrong, I don’t have too much pride to admit that but manipulative is so far removed from my head. It actually hurts me to be accused of being manipulative because that would indicate that I want to cause harm and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I don’t want to do that. Maybe my definition of that word is the problem. To me, manipulative is when you trick or cajole someone either honestly or dishonestly into doing something for your own advantage or gain without considering how it affects them. I was manipulated by guilt placed on me all my life and it took a lot of work to heal from that. So it would be far from my mind to do that to anyone. I guess I am venting my frustration but it seems so aggravating to me to say something and be dismissed or judged for it or to not say something and be scolded for silence. How do you accomplish anything when both streets are dead ends.

I know something new clicked with me today. The first thought I had, and I know this is the first time I have ever thought this, that I am a victim. But the further thought was almost an ephiphany moment. I don’t have to be. Before when I became a victim I thought I was being tolerant or meek and I stayed in the role and just took it as it came.

Today, I looked around me and said, I did nothing wrong. Yes, I was emotional after I saw I didn’t matter, but I expressed myself, was told I was wrong and manipulative and I know I was just expressing a need the same as a person would say I am thirsty. I came to the conclusion. If you are a victim it’s because you allow it.

People on a day in and day out basis without words do treat you the way they want to. I used to think love would win the day but now I know it doesn’t. Some people don’t care if you love them or care about your contribution to their life. They make that clear when the me’s and I’s come out.

There is a limit. I have reached mine. From this day forward, rotten days are behind me if they are the product of someone else’s issues. Time to sing of the great faithfulness of GOD who knows me and my widdle heart.

I know God loves me and I will be sure to remember what is true, lovely, and of a good report.

God bless Thanks for hearing.

The Reckoning

(note this was written for a loved one but there have been times it applied to me, nothing to hide)

The depths of my soul were in despair I framed excuses for my life everywhere

It`s not very hard if you`ll look you`ll see My life is just not what GOD meant it to be

Wandering and drifting at every turn Never making a change from lessons learned

Putting off the things that I should do With the false idea that God will see me thru

Sure He can, He has has my heart, But it`s so overwhelming, how do I start

I`ve been on the mountain and seen Him work  Why am I whining and being a jerk

Cause it1s easier to give up from deep within, Than to let Him work and overcome my sin

It`s easy to give in to my weak weary ways Than to start redeeming the rest of my days

Just keep telling myself there`s too much to overcome Look around at the chaos and get nothing done

Will this tortured and battered lifestyle ever end Yes! The day I stop breathing as a slave to sin

How horrible the sound, there must be a better finish Than to watch my dreams, soul, and spirit diminish

Sure there is, but I have to cry out loud This is not for someone who is lofty and too proud

I must allow GOD to do what only HE can And stop letting my life drift like grains of sand

Surrender and stop doing what I think is best I will follow after GOD and truly be blessed

There is never a peace apart from His will Either I make the change or keep doing the drill!

Joy Keepin’

As my life began to unravel, and my heart began to break.
Things were changing fast around me, and my soul began to shake.
The hurt over ran all reason, and my eyes began their weeping.
My father in His loving care, taught me joy keeping.
Many things I can never change in this journey now so hard.
So much damage was brought our way, as choices left their scars.
Two little lights once innocent, now know new hurt and pain.
What should’ve been a precious love, has now become a drain.
I kiss the tears and share the loss, as best a mom can do.
I share the blessed belief I have, that GOD will see us through.
When sorrow mounts and overwhelms, and trouble comes a creeping,
We hit our knees and pray out loud, ‘cause were joy keeping.
It’s all very simple you see, based on child like trust.
My Father wants the best for me, keeping joy is a must!

Yikes, Elijah!

Elijah Syndrome, lol. I thought the name was original with me. A quick web search proved me wrong but I am going to share this with you in that vein. I have been studying alot lately. I enjoy learning many things. One recent wow moment was when I looked at the phrase “as a man thinketh in his heart so is he” that Biblical phrase has so much truth. What we believe forms our actions. I am not talking about something mystical in mysticism or name it and claim it jargon. I do know that what we believe does determine our course. Look at Elijah, after an incredible victory he was reduced to fear, doubt, loneliness, and near death by an evil woman’s words. He has seen with his own eyes the work of God and knew God to be truthful and faithful but was afraid of a woman! Our thinking/beliefs do shape alot of things for us. If I believe I am a failure, I fail. If I believe I am hopeless, I become depressed. If I believe I can’t be loved, I attract people who won’t commit and love me. Are you getting the picture? I have seen this in my short 46 years played out over and over. No wonder God says to think on things that are lovely, of a good report, to take our thoughts captive, to cast down imaginations. The key is believing. We have to be careful what we say to others and to ourselves. Many things that stress us and down us are not of God. We can’t fix the world but we can be in a healthy relationship with GOD that is able to bring joy admist the storms and that brings us to a place where we grow past some of the immaturity that is part of our problem. We can also learn to walk in the Spirit and study to know God. God has announced to the world in His Word who we are in Christ. We have to believe it and live it. NOTE to self… lol this is a note to me too.
Take stock, ask forgiveness, ask for wisdom and understanding, but above all believe GOD who is true. Life won’t be rosey but it can be real, true, and in the grace of God headed toward the prize. GOD bless ………

Being Me is Not Easy

Sometimes being me isn’t easy lol.

I asked a question recently of some of you. Do you really love God and how do you know?

I pondered that with my finite brain for a few days and although this isn’t a definitive answer I do believe it approaches the subject.

My first thoughts were about the power of words. I decided long ago in my teens that I wanted to be an encourager. I had grown up with so much negativity I didn’t want anyone to be reduced by my words. I know the power of words because I have been damaged by some things said to me.

God says so much about words.
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.
Bridle the tongue
Iron sharpens iron
But exhort one another while it is called today.
Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you should answer every man.
Be ye doers of the word and not hearers only
There is safety in a multitude of counselors
Speak the truth in love

The list is much longer, but this will become a book instead of a little bit of sharing.

Here’s where my brain went with this.

Words are powerful
The Word was in the beginning, The Word and the Holy Spirit to interpret that Word, is what God left us until the end.

I know lately I have been greatly affected by words. I guess because I do try to be very careful what I say to others and I try to be careful how I treat everyone. I try to make sure what I am saying is something I can back up with my actions. I watch for that in other people too. I know we all fail sometimes.

There are many catch phrases in life, such as someone can’t make you happy, or sticks and stones blah, blah, blah, actions speak louder than words. I really don’t wholly accept these phrases because God admonishes us to be careful with our words. A person can with words hurt you. In 46 years I have been told and reinforced of all my short comings. Lol. I can long remember the hurtful things, and cherish the few nice things said to me.

Words do shape our courses just as the tongue is compared to the rudder of a ship. Such a little thing can steer our thoughts and actions. It is up to us to weigh and place value or power if you will into what others have said, but we are also responsible for what we say. Believe me ACTIONS do SPEAK. Remember conversation in the Bible is translated, manner of life, or if you will actions.

So where am I today? Well in light of some things said to me I would have to say I am being reinforced and trained at least by words I am hearing and have been even distracted with the message I have been receiving lately. I know we all say things we don’t mean, but a consistent message does get conveyed when it’s repeated. What message are we giving God if we truly love him? What message are we giving others if we love them?

Please think about it. I am saying this. You can tell by a persons words, how they feel about you, if they respect you, if they want you, if they value you, if they cherish you, if they love you, if they hate you, if they are annoyed with you, if you mean anything at all to them. You have to know that your words are a revelation to a person just as God’s words are a revelation to us. All of his intentions and longings and desires for us are in His written word.

People act on what they believe. What do you believe?

My well has been dry for a while and I can say hearing anything nice would be a drink of refreshing water.

God bless you all. Treat each other with charity.

Square peg in a round vacuum

You might remember being a little kid and getting a wooden bench with a hammer and several different shaped colorful pegs to hammer into the bench. I have such a fond memory. I had my little multi-colored pegs and would find the exact shape to hammer them into. The round one fit the round hole and the square one fit the square hole. Of course being the little thrill seeking kid I was I would try to hammer the square one into the round hole. It didn’t work but I would try. It wasn’t long before my hours of pounding away bored me. Because to a 4 year old with a hammer the entire universe is a nail, I tried to make other connections with my hammer. I found that although the square peg didn’t fit in the round hole of my workbench it would fit in the vacuum cleaner hose. I also found that it took about an hour to drive a nail into the floor with a wooden hammer. I must have hit it a gazillion times. I remember resting my arm thinking that I was doing real important work that had to be finished. Nothing else existed in the world but my mission to get that nail secure. After the nail was safely driven into my Mom’s hardwood floor behind the recliner I went on in search of bigger and better things. My next stop was to make a connection that would shock me into reality. I found that a slotted screwdriver and an electrical outlet are compatible in shape only. The sparks are neat but the bite was a note to self. “whew, that was scary but I liveded” Yeah I said lived-ed. That was how I said it cuz I was a widdle kid.

Even to this day sometimes that little chubby legged, wide eyed girl still tries to fit things in life where they don’t belong. I can only speak for myself but I pray this doesn’t fall on deaf ears. My sincere desire is to share things to spare people the pain of my mistakes and to shine the light of God’s grace so bright He is seen clearly for who He is and will be.

As a creation of the Master we are not made to be isolated,individual, islands to ourselves. It doesn’t take a stretch of the imagination to rationalize that. You can see it evident in the fact that God communed with Adam each evening in the Garden. It’s evident that God saw the longing in Adam and created Eve. Now get this, God walked with Adam daily but still saw a human need in him that he knew he had to immediately meet. So he created woman. Now before you run with this because I don’t want to add to the Word of God or take away. My point here is that God met the need not that for every man there is a woman. I guess you would have to take that up with the Holy Spirit. So I won’t add that further on God said it is not good for man to be alone and that He also said He who finds a wife finds a good thing. Ok off the rabbit trail back to the point.

The little girl in me tried all my life to fit those pegs into places they didn’t belong. The first time I remember trying to make something work was trying to win my Dad’s approval. I always thought Dad shouldn’t have had kids. He was distant, critical, and not touchy feely. I always thought he was unapproachable. I wanted the kind of Dad that I could crawl up into his lap and feel strong arms safe arms around me that loved me. I went on to try to fill the empty space with accomplishment. For years I tried everything. I took dance and music lessons, was president of several clubs in high school and college, excelled at most things I tried. Whatever career I chose I found a way to make it work for me and did my best. Disappointing anyone was rare, extremely rare. Still I was invisible to Dad, so I moved on. My heart got to a place that it could no longer seek his love.

The next peg I tried to fit was marriage. This peg seemed to fit but something was different. I didn’t choose to be my Dad’s daughter, but I did choose to be my husband’s wife and he chose me. I thought the peg finally fit, I thought I had a win win situation. Marrying my college sweetheart, thinking he didn’t do the things my Dad did and to top it off was going to be a preacher. How could this not fit. Unfortunately I spent the next 20 years being invisible to my ex. It was Dad all over again. How ironically cruel. During the marriage I tried another peg. Children!!! Oh my, what a fit. I had two precious girls who are human like me but still on a good path in life. They have been my joy and privilege to raise for God. Still the fit was good but not complete. Something was missing. My marriage finally came to an unexpected end after 20 years and here I was. Damage was done that I had to work and am working hard to rise above. The future presented new spaces to fill, but with what peg?

The five years since my divorce have been bittersweet. They have been filled with my first experiences at failure, deep depression, intense hurt, and regretful mistakes that have wracked my heart and mind to utter exhaustion. They have also been growing years. I can still hear my pastor back home say. “Healthy things grow” I have found friendship in unlikely people and places and have gone outside my box to grow and become who I am becoming. (How deep is that?) Mistakes and all I am a more blessed person today than I was five years ago and have still a future to become more for the Lord, Lord willing. My situation right now is heart breaking and stressful at times. All my choices for remedy or relief are not very appealing and downright painful. I didn’t come to Texas to fail. I know this and I believe with all my being, there is a day out there if I trust Him that the Lord will restore what the locust have eaten. God will use his hammer to fill the pegs in my life. Cramming anything into a God only vacancy will lead to pain.

God according to Jeremiah 29:11 has a plan for my life, but I have learned something so significant this is what I want to share.

God has a plan for my life and satan has a counterfeit plan. Satan’s plan produces pegs that never quite fit. He has waged spiritual warfare against us to try to insure we miss the right pegs. It is warfare that is ugly and strategically planned. God’s plan produces pegs that fit and are permanent.

God’s grace separates us from the imperfect law in a way that gives us permission to grow and to understand complete forgiveness and imputed righteousness. God can’t and won’t love me less or more based on my circumstances or decisions. There are always consequences for what I allow or decide, but ultimately my justification is settled. Out of love and a thankful heart I serve and want to hear well done from a Father who loves me and covers me with his safe wings. He is there daily to give good gifts to His children.

God will never go against His Word to accomplish anything through or for me.

When I am doubtful, fearful, stressed out, overwhelmed, mentally exhausted and physically weary, I can be sure that behind those strong emotions there you will find my own flesh and the devil having a tea party at my expense. My bank account becomes empty and can’t keep writing those checks. I become overdrawn. When nothing changes nothing changes. People around me miss the best I have to offer. So I pray what David prayed, Create in me a clean heart (cuz ya don’t want sin to be in the way) and renew a right spirit within me (cuz the above is not right spirited thinking) cast me not away from thy presence (ok, this brings tears, I can crawl in Abba’s lap and be safe) take not thy Holy Spirit from me (I am never alone!!!) Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation ( God is about upward and forward!!!)

I am not defined by a mistake, a moment, a failure or success, by anyone who loves or doesn’t love me, or those who stay or leave my life, no one gets to write my story but the God who saved me. I am defined by the pages in His book and what He has written to me and about me will be forever established as my story. I am His purchase and the price He paid I could never repay. I can only pray I grow and that His relationship with me will define me to others as a light.

So where do I go from here? Yikes what a novel. Well I am me, a dreamer, a happy ever after kinda gal. So I have to be careful with my life and set boundaries that don’t get me in so deep in the miry clay. I have to have feet free to move so I can soar like the eagles as God said. When I get away from reality I chase after pegs that for one reason or another do not fit my life. Then I sink. Please pray for me. I want to make the best of what time I have left. I know only the wisdom of God will lead me on the rest of my journey. I know there is pain around the bend before the next happiness.

Love you ALL!!!

Books I recommend @ Amazon

Strand Study Bible- 27 Features, color coded Trinity in OT and NT